Monday, August 7, 2017

Thoughts on These Last Few Weeks

I haven't blogged in almost 2 years! I think it's time to start using this place to put my thoughts into writing. I benefit from it and I don't have to feel bad about writing too much for a Facebook post. :) I realized just now that I have never really journaled any of my thoughts about the upcoming arrival of a baby. Lots of times I've talked about the birth experience, but I think this is important to record and remember, too. I pray that this is encouraging to some of you, as I process through these feelings in the last weeks leading up to the birth of our sweet little baby #4. 

I'm feeling a bit like I'm treading water and starting to sink. God's been teaching me so much, but I am struggling to sort through the lessons and apply them! My prayer is that I will trust Him completely, rest on His goodness and faithfulness, and believe that His timing is perfect.

We are about 3.5 weeks from my due date, and I feel "done" in many ways. My body is not keeping up with my brain and my "to do" list! I did some baby prep this morning for 2 hours and could hardly move afterwards. I'm not sleeping well, for various reasons (not all pregnancy related), so I'm needing to nap daily. I'm trying to plan out the beginning of our school year all while planning for baby and making list after list of things for Derrick to do that I physically cannot do. They are doing renovations on everything but the kitchen sink inside and outside of our apartment building this summer, and I have no idea if/when it will be all done and whether or not they will be in the middle of things when my baby decides to be born (at home). Because she doesn't care if there are workers on staging outside of my front window or if there is a giant hole outside my front door that day, or closets being ripped apart, she's going to come when she's ready! ;)

But PRAISE GOD! He knows all those details. I CAN trust in Him. I don't want this to be a complaint, but rather a true request for prayer that I will lean fully on my Father who knows what I need. That I will realize it will all get done, and we will find our new groove with a baby, 2 homeschooled students, and a toddler. That yes, noisy construction equipment might be right outside (or inside!) during those first few days of newborn fog and that it will all be ok. That this is the life God has given me and He has equipped me to do it...and what I'm not fully equipped for yet, He will prepare me for.

I think I have always worshiped "comfort" and God is truly stripping that from me. And to be honest, He could make things a LOT more uncomfortable if He wanted to, and this stuff is all minor in the grand scheme of things. I can make plans, but I submit them to Him for approval, and He gets the final say. In fact, He already planned my days before I was even born. So it's gracious of Him to even allow me some sort of opinion at all. I defer to my Daddy, the God of Heaven who also created me and knows me perfectly. Having said all of that, it's still a daily struggle to do this.

It may sound strange to say but the fire and great material loss that our dear friends experienced a couple weeks ago has given me this amazing amount of comfort. I can see more now than ever that with Christ, we can literally lose everything in this world, every comfort we enjoy, every keepsake we hold dear, and be completely fine. The temporary is just that...we are not guaranteed that anything will be permanent. Our lives are even fleeting and fragile, so we submit to His infinite wisdom and know that just like He knows the details of our lives, He also is the one who numbers our days.

On another note, related to the idea of comfort...I have always considered myself to be an introvert. I am pretty sure I am, because I have all the classic signs of being someone who is drained easily by spending time with people, especially in groups. I don't like crowds, I like quiet and peace, and I like to be alone to recharge. However...just because these things are true of me, does not mean I need to use them as an excuse! Just because it's how I'm most comfortable, doesn't mean I always get to choose that comfort! I live in a place where there are always people outside. People at our door regularly. Construction workers or other types of workers in and out of our apartment. I don't have the option of peace and quiet all that often anymore. I also don't get to be alone or secluded much, either. But you know what? That is perfectly ok with me! It's fine to acknowledge characteristics that are true of me, and make up who I am, but it doesn't mean I NEED all of those things to happen. I can be pushed out of my comfort zone to spend time with people, even if it tires me out. I can let it go if I don't get the alone time I need to recharge for a few days in a row. Because people, relationships, community...those things are way more important than my comfort. And God has put me here, it's where He wants me to be...and so I had better not just sit around and shut the rest of the world out for the sake of my own preferences! Plus...I'm about to have 4 kids. Who actually thought I'd be able to maintain "me" time with that many little ones around? Haha, I sure didn't! I needed to get this point or I'd be in for quite a disappointment very soon!

These are the things God is working on...see why I'm having trouble sorting through it all and applying it at the same time? I want to learn and grow, but I also keep getting hit over and over with these things. So hopefully I get it together and realize this stuff in the moment. So that when the next "inconvenience" comes my way, I'll be ready. And rejoicing. :)