There's No Place like "Home"

We pulled into New Town on July 31st, 2018. Today is August 31st. One month! It honestly still feels like we "just" got here. I think it may feel like that for a very long time! There have been some really good days, and there have been some really hard days. In fact, I can't even really define life in terms of days, but really more in terms of "moments". We really are doing ok, more than ok! But there is often heartache in the midst of all the excitement. Sometimes I can sense it coming, and sometimes it sneaks up on me and the next thing I know, I am deeply saddened and longing for the life we left behind. I heard this Casting Crowns song on the radio this morning after dropping Derrick off at school, while I was crying because I felt so lost and alone:

"Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down."


My first thought? Oh, my soul, actually you ARE alone! Sometimes I do feel forsaken, and that is silly because of course I know that God will never leave or forsake me. Ever. And He has brought us here, I am very sure of that! But in that moment, I felt alone. And it's not the first time over the course of the last month that I have felt that way, and I'm sure it won't be the last! Yet, I'm also constantly reminded of the fact that I have felt very alone even when my surroundings were familiar and I had friends and family nearby. Location does not dictate those feelings. It comes from inside of us, and it has to do with our view of God and ourselves. Is He enough, is He a close enough Friend, a strong enough Father, a wise enough Guide when there are no people right beside us filling those roles? Of course! He is all of those things whether we live in the same place we have lived our whole lives or if we've moved across the country or the globe; whether or not we live in our "dream" home, and regardless of how many relatives or long time friends we have physically present. He is with us wherever we are in life and that can and will always be enough. 

But, oh, sometimes I do long for a sense of "home". I have said it to Derrick a few times, usually with tears...."I want to go home." He gently reminds me each time that we are home, this is where God has us right now. He says this to help me focus on the present, not to wish for the past or wait impatiently for the future. I need to live in this moment, the one God has clearly planned for us in this stage of our journey. But there is another aspect of this that God has been trying to gently remind me of as well. In one sense, this may be home because my husband and children are here. But in another sense, it is not home at all. And neither is Berlin, NH. In fact, neither is any place on earth! I will always be homesick no matter where I am, because heaven is my home. And whether I consciously realize it or not, I will always have that longing in my soul to be someplace that feels easier, more comfortable, and without pain and tears. But that will not exist for me here, even if I did seek out the most "perfect" house, with every creature comfort I have ever desired, in the most beautiful place on earth. That comes when I am HOME with God, my Father, who has prepared that place for me someday! And it won't feel great because of the ease of life, it will feel great because I will be in His presence, experiencing Him in all of His glory, for eternity. Until then, nothing will feel quite right. No place will fit just perfectly. And that is ok with me. This lack of earthly satisfaction is there for a reason...it is there to point us to the One who truly satisfies, and who we desperately need for every single breath. Every ounce of strength. It all comes from Him. He is the One who Created all things, and He holds all things together. 


And through all of this, I'm also reminded that we can be at home here in one sense, and that is with other believers. We have found a church body here and as we begin to form relationships and connections, we are reminded of those same familiar feelings that we associate with "home". Belonging. Purpose. Fellowship. Community. There may be no perfect place here on earth, but as part of a body of believers, we can once again experience the joy and peace that comes through sharing life with God's people. We can be at home wherever we find others with this same mission in life of following Him. God is truly here with us, and I am more confident of that as time goes on. 

 Also, I think it's pretty safe to say that God has been talking to me through worship songs lately! I feel like K-Love is my direct line from Him sometimes! 🤣 Because, while I was wrestling with all of this later in the day, I heard another song by Building 429:

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes 
I wanna be found in you
When the lights fade 
I wanna be found in you

Let me tie this all together by telling you all how the rest of the day went. We headed to the library for story hour, and I truly almost burst into tears while we were there. I am desperate for friendship and being surrounded by a group of mamas who are not yet "my people", is really hard. I sat with Chloe during snack (who is also struggling a little with not having a group of friends yet) and she was talking with a sweet lady who volunteers for story hour. She started asking Chloe about homeschooling and then asked me about Derrick's job. She suddenly said, "Was your husband invited to a cookout this evening?" I said, "Yes! His teaching coach invited him over." She said, "Is he coming?" "Yes, I think so." "Great, that's my house! You should come and bring the kids!" They were thrilled. I was, too. I was also struggling because I really wanted to attend a ladies' meeting at our new church that evening, and wasn't sure I'd have time for both. But I knew this is what God wanted. So we went. They have this beautiful lake house, right on the edge of the water. We had a wonderful time and the kids and I were invited back later this week to hopefully get a little swimming in! We felt at ease because Derrick knew her husband and everyone else there from work, and we knew her from the library! She sat with the kids, talked with them, and helped them with their food, and Derrick and I got to relax and chat! Such a nice treat for us! And we still ended up getting back in time for me to go to the ladies' meeting. I was grateful to be able to start connecting with these women a little better and start getting involved with children's ministry there! We'll be helping out with music soon, too!

Our God is GOOD. Even when things are hard, even when we can't see what's ahead of us, He is working. I know a lot of my friends from back in NH are going through tough times right now. I just want to encourage you. Following God is tough sometimes. Trusting Him is even harder. But I am finally beginning to see that there is no other way to live. We have to trust in all circumstances that He is working! He is working on us, in us, and through us for His glory! We are going to grow through these experiences and we are going to be able to recognize more quickly that He has got an awesome plan! Just keep trusting Him. Even when it feels like you are following blindly. Even when it seems as though He's abandoned you. Cling to His promises and keep on trusting. I will say it again...our God is GOOD. He won't forget about us, He won't forsake us. He knows exactly what He is doing.

Isaiah 12:2
Behold God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD God is my strength and my song,
and He has become my salvation.