How God Changed this Heart of Stone

     

How do I begin...where do I begin? It's so hard to know. I have been wanting for about a week now to sit down and share with you all my learning and growing process and where God has brought me at this season in my life. I want to be open so that He can work in and through me, and maybe encourage some of you where you are at right now. But openness is hard...it's easy to be misunderstood, especially in written word. It's also easy to be afraid of what people think, but that is becoming less of an issue for me these days. So I will start with a prayer in my heart that God will give me the words, and we'll go from there.

 I think it may appear to many that I seem a bit "extreme" when it comes to my walk with Christ. I assure you that over the course of my life, I have looked at people who were sold out for Him and thought the same thing. "Wow, they are really taking this a bit far." And, well, if you think that about me, you'd be right! I'm taking it as far as I possibly can...because my walk with God should encompass every part of my life, every nook and cranny, every single moment. 

The newsflash about this is......I didn't get it until about 3 or 4 years ago.

I don't know if I ever truly grasped what it meant to be a follower of Christ before this. And yes, I do wonder if I was one of the people Jesus was talking about in this passage:

"And someone said to him, “Lord, will those who are saved be few?” And he said to them, “Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the master of the house has risen and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then he will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from.’ "

Luke 13:23-25

So, how does this happen? How does a girl who has been raised in the church hearing the gospel message from the age of 4 grow up to be an adult who just plain doesn't get it? I have wondered this myself, more times than I can count. Whenever I saw someone who truly desired to walk with Christ, I just figured they must be faking it. I really did not understand what it meant. Now, after all this time, I finally realize that the answer is simple. I missed out on Christ being my LIFE because I was taught to obey a set of rules. Man made ones, yes, but also God's. Rules aren't bad at all, especially if they are from the Bible. But when we are taught the rules but never the reason; or the fact that it's about the heart, not about performance, we are dangerously wrong. Like pointing-people-straight-towards-hell wrong. We often go about our lives like there is no eternity. Like life does not carry on after these bodies expire. I assure you, it does carry on, and our bodies will expire. And where will that leave us? Will our education, career, good works, possessions, friends, or family matter in light of eternity? Once again, I assure you that it will not. None of it. When this life is gone, it's gone....and I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be serving the King of the kingdom that is to come. The one who sent His only Son to die to pay the ultimate price for my sin so that I could spend eternity with Him.

I was talking with a friend many years ago about this topic. We were both very young, and neither one of us were taught well enough, or our conversation would have had a different outcome. I told her that I often think about eternity and want to focus more of my time and energy on things in light of the fact that life is temporary. Her response was something along the lines of, "Well yeah, that's good, but don't let yourself get consumed by it." I had no idea how profoundly wrong she was, but I often remember that conversation and wonder what would have happened if she had said something more like, "Well, of course! Living for Christ is all that matters, we should be focusing on serving Him every day!" Anyway, I guess it doesn't accomplish anything to do hypotheticals like that, but I do wonder at times if life would be different.

Recently I rediscovered Psalm 119. Basically the writer is just writing this long poem devoted to how much he loves God's law. Here is a passage that stood out to me:

(Psalm 119:33-37)

"Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes, and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways.

I think one of the reasons it stood out to me was how differently I was looking at it. As a young person I would look at stuff like this and wonder what was really so great about God's law? I get that I'm supposed to follow it, but why should I love and desire it? That just didn't make sense to me. Especially since I had always believed that following God's ways meant a life of blessing and protection. So of course, when I went through a really low and dark time in my life, I felt like God abandoned me. Like Job, I felt like I had been treated unfairly. When he lost his children and just about everything he owned, all he could do was go on about how righteous he had been and how he didn't deserve this. I felt similar feelings. "How could You do this to me, God?" I wanted to cry out. "I have tried so hard to follow You....You're supposed to keep me safe!" For a long time there just didn't seem to be answers. So I did what made the most sense to me. I just started giving up on doing things His way. It wasn't an obvious change, more slow and gradual, but my heart was hard. This went on for most of my adult life, up until a few years ago. I found myself broken before God, as I finally realized that doing things my way had done nothing but turn me into a depressed, anxious, angry, bitter, selfish mess. I remember literally crying out to God to do whatever it takes to bring me back to Him. I was done with my old self and my old life and wanted to be made new. And boy, did He answer! A month later, I heard this song for the first time:

Come Home Running

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?

From one so fair you run away

And one more time you have to pay

The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home

You've been too long out on your own

And He's been there all along

Watching for you down the road

So come home running

His arms are open wide

His name is Jesus

He understands

He is the answer

You are looking for

So come home running

Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved

And ransomed by the Savior's blood

And called by name, daughter and son

Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

Suddenly God wasn't this domineering tyrant watching over my shoulder and waiting for me to mess up anymore....(and yes, I laid awake at night many times as a child trying to remember everything I had done wrong so I could ask forgiveness and make sure I was truly "saved")....He was a loving Father, who had been there all along, watching and waiting for me to come home. And so I didn't just walk back into His arms.....I ran.

I think....well I know this is when the change began. But growing in Christ is a process, and I definitely didn't get it all right away...I still haven't gotten it all, and I'm sure I never will until I'm with Him. But it was the start. This morning I heard this passage and I just saw it in a completely new light. I realized that this was not just meant for the nation of Israel, but for all believers, and it just rings so true in my life, as I can now truly say that I love to obey Him and it is all because of His Spirit within me! 

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

(Ezekiel 36:26-27 ESV)

See, I had it all backwards. I was trying to serve God on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to keep living for myself. But what I needed was a new heart, one that can only come from God, that would cause me to desire to obey! I can't do that myself, and that is why I always found the Christian life oppressive and frustrating. But now, as someone who has been changed from the inside out, I can truly say I LOVE to follow Christ, and His rules. In fact, just as the Psalmist said, I even delight in them! 

Let me just end for now by saying that this is not the end..... it' the beginning! The beginning of the rest of my walk with Christ on earth. I am excited to see what He will do in my heart and life, now that I am sold out for Him. And I have to say, because my citizenship is in Heaven, I am just not concerned with things on the earth. I pay attention to what is going on around me, I am aware of other people and their physical needs as well as spiritual. But I don't worry about the things I used to worry about. I don't stress out about who is in leadership positions in our government, or about laws being made. Why does it matter? Do these things change hearts? Of course not! Believer, we are too often consumed by these "issues" that just really aren't issues. Let's get to know people, and love them where they are at, just like Jesus, and let God do the work. I also no longer think about having enough money. God has always provided, and will always provide. In this country we are way too comfortable anyway, and even though Derrick and I choose to live a very simple lifestyle (some would even probably consider it extreme, which is just silly to me, when I think about how people in 3rd world countries are forced to live), we are learning all the time that we could be just fine with even less. Not to mention the fact that less is MORE, oh it's so much more!! Less "stuff" means less distractions....and more time to focus on what truly matters. More time to invest in people's lives; to learn, study and grow, and to enjoy each other's company. I'll take these things any day over all the material wealth the world can offer!!

I could go on, but I won't. I think I will write again later and give some details on how this is all playing out in a practical way. But I am too tired to keep writing, not to mention you are probably getting very tired of reading! :)

I'll leave you with another passage of Scripture. I pray that you all have been changed from the inside out by the Holy Spirit and that you are standing firm in Him!

For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved.

(Philippians 3:18--4:1 ESV)

Less is More

 
 So it's been a while! But I'm ready to get back into this writing thing. I really want to share my thoughts with those who care to read, and maybe it will open up some discussion about some pretty cool things! I realized recently that I am being convicted about something. I guess it sort of crept up on me slowly, over time, as God changed me and showed me things...then one day I woke up and BAM, the world seemed different!

 We've been doing a lot of talking and making a lot of changes in our day to day life. We live off of a low income and need to make it work, so we made ourselves a strict budget and got a LOT simpler than we already were. Cut back on little extras, and the more we did, the more we found we could live without! Now we're in the process of weaning ourselves off of using our dishwasher, because let's face it....it's a huge waste of water and electricity, even if it is "energy efficient". There's nothing more energy efficient than elbow grease, and it's definitely cheaper! haha. So we are going to close up the dishwasher for good pretty soon...or maybe just break it out for special occasions when we really feel lazy. OK, that's a tangent. I was basically using that as an example of what God's doing in our hearts right now. Not that I think He is necessarily convicting us about the dishwasher (though I do believe it's Biblical to live simply and work hard, and live within our means, all things that will be helped by cutting back on the use of appliances).....but I think it's just another manifestation of the simplicity in which I believe we should be worshiping and serving our Creator. Now here's the real story....

This has actually been something that's been going on in my heart for....years. And Derrick too, although I think he got it before I did. Well, I know he got it before I did. :) I've been convicted after reading in Acts about the beginning of the early church, that American Christianity is a far cry from what life looked like for a believer then. It's just so easy to be complacent here. We're comfortable, it's not dangerous (usually) to go to a place of worship, so it's easy to just go and not really care about worshiping God. In countries where there is real persecution going on, this is not the case. Believers don't beat around the bush, there's no option to be "luke warm", as Jesus says in the book of Revelation. Either you love Christ and you're willing to die for Him, or you don't. It's that simple. But here, you can go to "church", sit around and sing songs that make you feel all warm and fuzzy, or really excited and emotional, about Jesus. Then you can just sit there silently and listen to a sermon, and act like it means something to you. Then you can leave without talking to single person (especially in a big church), or you can chat about surface things that don't matter. But then what? You go back to your life. Because Sunday morning is separate, somehow. It's "God's time", but the other 6 and a half days of the week belong to you. I'm saying this because I've done it...all of it. Not only that, but I've avoided church all together, because I didn't want to talk to anyone about what was going on with me, or I just plain didn't feel like giving my time to God. Either way, it was complacency. I was acting like I had an option. I didn't. And neither do you, if you claim to follow Christ.

 Last year God convicted me even further that the way we do church gatherings needs to change. We sit passively and act like we're supposed to just be filled up by those leading the service, then we leave. Never once actively participating. Just sit facing forward, chat with people about stuff, then leave. It's good to worship God as a body, but are we really doing that if we aren't connected during the time? If we're not sharing Scripture and what God is teaching us, and praying together.....are we really truly gathering in the name of Christ, and seeking to learn and grow together? Or we just checking it off our list, doing it out of obligation, and leaving without really unifying as the body of believers that we are? Not to mention the pressure we put on the leadership to plan, study, organize....shouldn't we all be contributing and make this time more interactive? The concept is often referred to as "organic church". I like that concept, to me that means simple, unaffected, and in its purest form. Hmmmmm....

Fast forward to this week. I learned that the Passion conference in Atlanta was live streaming their sessions for free. I went on their website and saw Francis Chan and John Piper as two of the speakers. I thought, "Well, I agree with the way Francis Chan looks at things, and with Piper for the most part, so this should be good!" I turned on the live stream and within minutes I was sickened. There was so much flashiness and worldliness, I felt guilty just watching. I really felt like I was watching a bunch of people make fools of themselves, all in the name of "God". Famous Christian musicians, dancing all over the stage and rocking out, people in the audience cheering and clapping, all excited. What were they excited about? Was it worship? Were they in awe of their Creator? Or were they thrilled to be seeing one of their favorite musicians a few feet away, singing a catchy tune that they really like? Then I hear a "commercial" by the guy who I think runs the conference. He was talking about how they are raising money to fight human trafficking, which of course, is a cause that should be on all of our hearts. But then he proceeds to advertise the digital media that you can purchase so you can hear your favorite songs from the conference. I thought, why not give all the money to those who are truly in need? And what about all the show and fluff? How much did all those bands cost? And speakers? Do you really NEED all that? Anyway, long story short, I turned it off. Sickened, and really sad. Sad that God's name got dragged through the mud like that. Sad that Christians in America just don't get it. Sad that I'm lumped in with the rest of them most of the time, when I desperately want to disassociate myself with that kind of worldview. And just plain annoyed that so many people don't get it.

 Then today I wasn't feeling well so I had a sick day and was flipping through channels on Roku, just checking out different church services. I couldn't turn a single service on for more than a couple minutes without feeling guilty about watching it, it was that bad. A lot of them had that soft, "prayerful" music in the background.....you know, I actually got scolded once by a pastor, when I played the piano at a church in Lancaster, PA. I thought it was absolutely nuts even then, before I realized a lot of this stuff. I was part of the worship team and we had a song at the end so we were sitting on stage waiting to play after the pastor finished praying. When he was done, he came right over to me and whispered in my ear that I NEED to be playing the piano in the background when he prays, to set the "mood". He was dead serious, and kinda mad at me that his prayer was accompanied by silence. I remember I finished playing with the team and went and sat in the pew....all I could do was cry. I was brand new to the church, excited to get involved, and my enthusiasm had been squashed by a man who wanted to create the perfect atmosphere for his prayer. I don't think I ever went back after that. Around that time, I visited another church and was literally stalked by them when they found out I play the piano (they had no musician at that point)....I didn't want to attend there, because the message had lasted about 10 minutes, and it was literally about nothing, I don't even think the Bible was opened. Later on, I was employed by a church in York, PA. I attended there sometimes, but it was so surfacey and fluffy, I couldn't stomach it. Not only that, but it was just way too big....it was run like an organization, not a body of believers. It had more staff than my current church has members. It was very political, and all about the numbers, getting people through the door. When my time at LBC was over, I knew that I would NEVER be employed by a church again, I just hated it. It felt so wrong to me. Little did I know that Derrick would come to the same conclusion a couple years ago (I was sad at first because I felt afraid about losing the income. Now, I am SO glad he is no longer employed by a church). It just shouldn't happen. The office of pastor has been misconstrued and shouldn't even exist the way it currently does. If men who follow Christ would step up and lead, there would be no need to hire one person to do all the work of leading the body. It would happen naturally.....organically (there's that word again)....and we all would be closer to God and each other as a result. And we wouldn't see one man (basically anyone who has been or is a pastor) slowly waste away with the burn out and exhaustion that they all experience....that is another topic for another blog post, it just devastates me to watch men of God lose their spark and enthusiasm little by little. There is a better way....if only we all could see it and work together to make it right!

 So what is that better way? I've said a lot about what I don't like....what is the "ideal"? Well honestly, I think starting a home church would be awesome. BUT, that's not possible since we're already a part of a church body that we really love serving and growing with. And we're not about to sacrifice that for a dream. So maybe someday, if we live somewhere else. But for now, I think I just need to keep sharing, keep speaking the truth, keep talking about what's in God's Word, and keep loving believers and unbelievers alike. And reminding those who follow Christ, that when we gather, all we really need is our Bibles, and each other. We could sit on the floor with bare walls and no musical instruments, and it would be just amazing, because God is there in the midst of those who gather in His name. I think people would be surprised to find that when all the distractions are stripped away, it is much easier to draw close to God and our body of believers as a unit, all with the single purpose of giving Him all the praise and glory He deserves!!

See....less really is more! Less of us, and more of HIM.

Thoughts on a Birthday and a New Decade

I have been reflecting this week a lot on my life thus far. God and I have had a few conversations about my feelings on turning 30 and I thought maybe I could share some of what He has shown me as I reach this milestone of age and close out three decades of existence. :o)
 Derrick gave me a letter today and it echoes my feelings so perfectly that I want to share some of it here:

"So I began to think about what we are actually celebrating. Why do we celebrate the fact that we entered into the world? It’s not like we did anything to make that happen. We did not accomplish any great feat in being born. Rather just the opposite, we were completely helpless and useless when we came out. Yet we celebrate ourselves like we did some great service to the world by being born.

So thinking about this I think we can come down on a very basic and seemingly obvious point. That birthdays should be a celebration of God. He was the one who brought us here. He is the One who has guided you and brought you to this point. This should be a celebration of God’s plan for your life; an opportunity to look back at where He has brought you and to see what He has taught you along the way. God has brought you through so much and has brought you exactly to this moment in time, where He is bringing about His will in your life."

I can't even explain how much I loved reading this, because it is EXACTLY what God has put on my heart. I really don't like the concept of birthdays much. That's something that's changed about me recently, probably in the last year or so. We started talking more about birthdays when thinking about what we would do with Chloe. We talked about how our own experience with birthdays growing up was that there was a sense of entitlement and "the world revolves around me" associated with becoming a year older. I really don't know who came up with that idea but I am personally not a fan. So as we discussed how we would teach her, it made me cringe at the idea of my own birthday coming up. I would have been content to let this day go by and not have anyone know about it, but of course I knew that wasn't possible. So then a friend asked me today if I was 30 and at first I said something to the effect of how I was sad to be leaving my 20s. But my very next thought, which I know was from my dear Father, was this: "Look at all I brought you through! Look where I have you now! Start this new season in your life with joy, because it's exactly where I want you. And I'm using you right here, right now." Then a few minutes later, I read the letter Derrick wrote. And I was just overwhelmed with how God was speaking to my heart. 

I've been struggling for 3 years with this. For a long time I honestly did NOT want to be here, and sometimes I still don't. I'd really love it if we just sold everything and moved to another country, preferably in South America, and just served God there for the rest of our days. Derrick and I both dream of that often, but realistically it won't happen anytime soon. Maybe someday, but what about now? Do we just wait it out, "get by", until God brings us this desire of our hearts? Of course not! What a waste of the time He has given us right NOW. And now is the most important, because it's all we have been given with certainty. Tomorrow is an unknown, because we have no idea what direction our lives will be taken in. But today is tangible, and we CAN serve Him in the moment. 

 So today IS a celebration. But it's not for me. It's not my life, my accomplishments, or my abilities. Today I celebrate my GOD, the one who has given me 30 years of life. The ONE who has been my only constant, and will remain my only constant for eternity. He alone deserves praise and recognition for the way He has loved me, and extended to me His unending grace. I celebrate the way He has never left me alone, never given up on me, never failed to provide for my needs. Thankfulness overwhelms me for the way He has just taken hold of me and has promised to never let go. 

So if you wished me a happy birthday today, thank you!! I do appreciate it. It is a good day, because ultimately I know where my joy comes from. And the life He has given me is something I can celebrate every single day. And if I am still on earth for another decade, my prayer is that I spend every single moment of it bringing glory to the One who made me. 

Learning to Live Simply and Naturally...One Day at a Time

So this post is just as much for me as it is for anyone else! I made all these new things and realized I need to keep a record of where I got all my info so the next time I need to make it, I won't have to search the internet again trying to remember which recipe I used for which thing! So far I've made homemade shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hand soap (same as body wash), face wash, deodorant, all-purpose cleaner, laundry detergent (which I had already been making for quite a while now), insect repellent, glass cleaner, and toilet bowl cleaner. So many things, I know I'm going to forget what I did! So I'm going to try to list everything on here including any tips or tricks I learned while making them, for my own reference, and for anyone who wants to try as well. :o)

• Homemade Non-toxic Liquid Soap


• This one was the easiest liquid soap recipe I found. It is also extremely cheap and works great! The site I used is:  http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/homemade-non-toxic-liquid-hand-soap-2
• I did exactly what she did and mine came out more on the watery side, which I think is great because it would probably be awesome in those foam pump dispensers (which I don't have, so the regular ones work fine, too). It still cleans fine, and smells really good! Just a bit runny. If you wanted it to be thicker, you could just add more soap or use less water in the next batch. But my goal is to save as much money as possible so I really didn't think that was necessary. I used a 4 oz bar of natural glycerin soap that I got for $2.09 at The Healthy Rhino in Littleton. So, I made mine for less than this girl did, and I think this stuff is actually even cheaper than the really harsh, horrible name brand soaps! Whoo hoo! Success. :o)


• Homemade Deodorant
• Also very easy and in my opinion (and Derrick's) works far better than any other deodorant I've ever used! And without the aluminum, what a plus!!! It is not an antiperspirant so it won't keep you from sweating. I never thought about it before but, why would I want to prevent my body from being able to sweat anyway? It's a normal and necessary function. The awesome thing about this recipe is that the baking soda not only absorbs the odor, but it also absorbs a great deal of moisture. So I actually feel much drier using this than I ever have before with "antiperspirants" that really didn't do what they promised.  http://www.squidoo.com/homemade-deodorant-recipes
• The only thing I did differently is I didn't have arrowroot powder/flour so I just doubled the baking soda. I also read you can use cornstarch instead of arrowroot, which I may try next time! Coconut oil melts at 74 degrees so if it's a warm day you may want to store this in the fridge. Otherwise it's fine to leave out. The great thing about this is you only need a pea-sized amount so it lasts a super long time! And I put a few drops of lavender oil in mine, smells awesome. I think next time I'm going to try a little peppermint instead, though, just to change it up. :o)


• Homemade Shampoo & Conditioner
• This one takes a bit more of an adventurous spirit but it's worth it. :o) It is so cheap, better for your hair, and works really well. C'mon, give it a try! And please, if you have any ideas on how to make it thicker, please share. Cornstarch didn't really help. I put lavender oil in the shampoo, but you don't need it. Also we use a squirt bottle and spray bottle to reduce waste, as both are very watery. Don't let that keep you from trying it! Things don't have to "lather" to be effective...that is a common misconception!
• http://www.diynatural.com/homemade-shampoo/
• http://www.diynatural.com/homemade-conditioner/
• 
  
• Homemade Facewash
• I got this recipe right off the baking soda box. It's just 3 parts baking soda to 1 part water. Works very well, though it is a tiny bit drying so I recommend going easy and just using it in the most oily spots on your face. I didn't find it nearly as drying as some commercial products though, so maybe it won't bother most people. And follow it up with a good natural lotion. I buy the big 4 lb. Arm & Hammer box in the laundry section at Walmart. I think it's $2.14. That is great and super cheap! And you really can do ANYTHING with baking soda, besides baked goods! :o)
• 
  
• Homemade All Purpose/Glass/Toilet Bowl Cleaners
• Distilled white vinegar and apple cider vinegar are also great products to have on hand that are really cheap. This one uses a combination of baking soda and vinegar. It works, but I am going to keep searching for a cleaner recipe that I LOVE. I did read about one that uses oranges and vinegar....I really want to try that! When I do I'll update this. :o)
• All-Purpose Cleaner: Mix 1/2 cup vinegar and 1/4 cup baking soda (or 2 teaspoons borax) into 1/2 gallon (2 liters) water. Store and keep. Use for removal of water deposit stains on shower stall panels, bathroom chrome fixtures, windows, bathroom mirrors, etc.
• Window Cleaner: Mix 2 teaspoons of white vinegar with 1 liter (qt) warm water. Use crumpled newspaper or cotton cloth to clean. Only use the black and white newspapers, not the colored ones. Don't clean windows if the sun is on them, or if they are warm, or streaks will show on drying. Be sure to follow the recipe, because using too strong a solution of vinegar will etch the glass and eventually cloud it. 
• Toilet Bowl Cleaner: Mix 1/4 cup baking soda and 1 cup vinegar, pour into basin and let it set for a few minutes. Scrub with brush and rinse. A mixture of borax (2 parts) and lemon juice (one part) will also work.
• Homemade Insect Repellent
• I haven't tested this one more than once yet...but plan to do it again tonight! Easy. Just get peppermint oil! I read that mosquitos HATE it so I just put a drop on my wrists and rubbed them together. You can put another drop on your ankles, too, but I didn't. I saw a few mosquitos come towards me, then fly wildly away. I think they really did get freaked out! I only got one bite after being out for a few hours. Derrick, too, and usually he gets a ton. Anyway, it's worth a try, it certainly smells better than Off! Also, Derrick suggested putting 1-2 drops in a spray bottle of water and spraying that all over. I haven't yet but when I do I'll post my results. :o)
• Homemade Laundry Detergent
• I've been using this for a while for Chloe's diapers and I recently just switched over to using it for all our laundry because it cleans so well! Three ingredients, all equal parts: Borax, Washing Soda (different than baking soda), and Oxyclean. All three can be found in the laundry section. The only one that's a bit pricey is the Oxyclean. The other two are cheap! And it really does clean much better than any other detergent I've used. I use a little scoop (about 2 tbsp) for a diaper load, but I could probably use less for clothes that aren't as dirty. 

There ya have it! My list will be growing as time goes on. :o) And if anyone has any ideas or suggestions for me, please comment!!! Thanks!!! 

Come Home Running

This morning I was reflecting on all that God has saved me from. It's just incredible to me to think back to where I was just a few short years ago and where He has me now. It's all Him. As I was thinking about this and praising God, I started hoping that Derrick would pick the song "Come Home Running" to sing this morning when we met for church. I was happily surprised when the lyrics popped up on the screen! I love that song....it was introduced to me at the lowest point of my life, and God really used it as a way to remind me of His love and show me that He had not given up on me, even though I wanted to give up on myself. Now I just feel so blessed to be where I am, loving Him and serving Him. I'm married to a godly man who loves Jesus and me so much, I get to do a purposeful job that I love, and I'm part of a church family that encourages me to grow more and more every day. Yep, I'm really glad that I "came home running". I love that the song says, "Come home running just as you are." I keep thinking about a little child who is being stubborn, not listening to his father, and then suddenly he can't resist a minute longer...the rebellion just melts into sorrow for his disobedience and he turns and runs full force into his father's arms, crying all the way with tears of remorse and joyfulness to be back with his daddy. This is exactly what happened to me! I am so glad that He accepted me "just as I am"....or as I was....with open arms. He is such a loving and wonderful Father! I deserve wrath and judgment, but He gives me joy, peace, and comfort. Thank You, Jesus! :o)

Come Home Running    By: Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?

From one so fair you run away

And one more time you have to pay

The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home

You've been too long out on your own

And He's been there all along

Watching for you down the road

So come home running

His arms are open wide

His name is Jesus

He understands

He is the answer

You are looking for

So come home running

Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved

And ransomed by the Savior's blood

And called by name, daughter and son

Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

Reflecting on Lessons Learned

Wow, it's been 4 weeks since I last blogged.....I can't believe how fast time is going by right now! Literally the weeks just tick off like days. Soon I will be starting my new life as a mommy, and I can't wait! But in the meantime, trying to prepare mentally, physically, and spiritually for this new chapter in my life. A lot of the physical stuff is mental for me. What I mean by that is, if I feel tired and like I just want to lay around all day on the couch, I make myself get up and do something. This past week we had beautiful weather, so I was outside with the children all morning every day this week, working in the yard and playing with them. It really increased my energy level, and it's helping me to avoid gaining too much weight now that I'm nearing the end. Honestly, I think I've been more active lately than I was before I was pregnant! And it feels really good, despite the few aches in my feet and legs at the end of the day. It's still worth it. :o)
 The spiritual aspect has been a bit more difficult. As the time gets closer, it's also harder to trust God with everything and easier to start letting the doubts creep in. I've always had a struggle with anxiety. Some of it when I was younger, but it mostly started around the time I graduated from college, about 7 years ago. (Wow, I've been out of college for 7 years!) Anyway, it's been a roller coaster ride. But for the past 3 years, it has gradually been getting better as I have learned to turn over fears to God and remind myself over and over that He is in control. I always hesitate to tell people about this struggle because for some reason people think it's something I can just snap out of. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've heard people say, "Just trust God!" or "You need to relax!" Seriously...I wish those people could just be me for one day. It is not that simple, nor is it that easy! Of course I believe God is in control, and I do trust His ways are best. But after years of my body physically reacting and turning stress into anxiety...well, it's kind of on auto-pilot. I often get to anxiety level before I even have a chance to think and pray about what my fears are. Basically, it's a lot of work. I was complaining to Derrick about this the other night, and he has said this to me before, but it hit me in a different way this time. I guess I was just ready to hear it. He told me I need to stop "fleeing". You know the whole, "fight or flight" thing? Well, I'm not a runner in real life (nor will I ever be), but when it comes to dealing with my issues, my first instinct is to run far and fast away from the problem. This usually happens by doing whatever I can to distract myself....and I have figured out lots of ways to accomplish this! Instead what I need to do is face it head on. Pray, cry, scream if I need to! But just deal with it instead of waiting until the feelings build and build and suddenly I am physically incapable of calming down. I had a panic attack a week ago, the first one I've had in a few years. It really scared me, because I've been doing so much better! And made me realize I need to take advantage of the victory I already have in Christ, and go to Him with this. Not just on a daily basis, more like on a minute to minute basis! God reminded me of this verse yesterday and it really sums up how I feel about this struggle. This is written by Paul, and though he never says what his weakness is, he mentions that there is a struggle he has that he wishes would go away, and even asked God to take it away. These verses are God's answer to his prayer, and Paul's response.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I am having a hard time imagining being "content with weaknesses"! But Paul learned to be. And I can, too. It doesn't mean I am content to let the struggle overtake me and turn me into a basket case. It means, I am content to deal with this, to fight daily, and not to complain about the fact that it's there. Trials make us grow, that is just a simple fact, and one that gets pointed out in the Bible many times! If I want to grow, I can't just sit back and whine about my situation. I need to fight. So that's what I'm trying to do now. For the past couple of days, whenever potentially anxious thoughts creep in, I just immediately pray about it and ask God to help me fight my fears. Because they are still going to be there...I have an incredibly active imagination and  my dreams are becoming more and more vivid based on things I'm afraid of. But rather than complain, or hide, or distract myself, I'm going to meet them face to face and talk to God about them. I think that's the hardest part....talking to Him about it. When I'm afraid I usually just want to keep it in my head and not say it out loud, not even to Him. But that's the worst possible thing to do! I need to go to Him and just lay it all out, no holding back. There are a lot of fears I have that are related to having a child. I won't go into them, but I'm sure many of you who are parents can relate! Still, this child is not mine, she is God's....so I need to remember that it's not ultimately my job to protect her, especially from things I have no control over. She is in His hands, and I need to leave her there daily. It is so hard for me to think of trusting her with anyone else, even Him, after my body has literally been supporting hers for so long. She is physically part of me, and sometimes it's hard to not freak out about any possible harm that could come her way. But I can't let myself. It doesn't matter that I have carried her....she is still not mine. He is the one who is truly carrying her. He is just using me as part of the process. And I am thankful and blessed to be used in this way....but in the end it's not about me as her mother. That is not where my identity lies. I am a servant of Jesus, and exist to bring Him glory in whatever way He chooses to use me. That is what life is about. Becoming a parent does not change that! I'm sure I will struggle with this and at times forget what is truly my purpose. But for now as I'm writing it out, it is helping me to remind myself that while this is an exciting time, it's just another way of being used by God to worship Him with my life. :o) And my biggest hope and prayer for her is that she will grow to do the same.
 OK, enough about me, time to get going on my day. I'd like to enjoy this weather before it starts raining all week! 

Accusations

So, this amazing Psalm popped into my head this morning. And it was totally from God. I am really thankful for all those years of verses being drilled into me, because they come back often, and it's usually exactly at the time I need to be reminded of that verse. And, I might add, we didn't have Awana where I lived growing up....so I memorized these verses with no promise of candy, stickers, patches, or whatever kinds of prizes await Awana club members! haha. Although, most of these verses were memorized for school, so I didn't really have a choice. It was either memorize the verses or get a bad grade. And I was really afraid of bad grades. So on second thought, I guess I did get a reward for my efforts! haha
 But I'm digressing. The point is that God is using these verses buried in my brain to work on my heart. This is what I awoke to this morning, going through my head. Really it was just the first couple of verses, but I liked the whole Psalm so much that I ended up reflecting on the whole thing:

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
(Psalm 46 ESV)

Let me just tell you, there are so many awesome things about this Psalm! But a couple stand out to me. I don't think this will be a long rant like I usually write, but you never know, so please bear with me! :o)
 The first thing I realize is that we have literally nothing to be afraid of. God is the one who we turn to in trouble, and He is the one that created the earth, the mountains, the seas...basically everything we see as great, powerful, and majestic. All those things are no match for His greatness. This gives me comfort, because no matter what happens, I truly have nothing to fear because my trust is in God.
 Then I love the verse about the nations raging. We look around us and see lots of unrest between nations, and within countries as well. And what it all come down to is a hunger for power and greatness. Of course, all this strife and unrest causes people to have fear. But this is a fear of man, not of God! This is what Jesus said about fearing man:
“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

(Luke 12:4-7 ESV)

  And then, Psalm 46 goes on to say, "He utters His voice, and the earth melts." Think about that for just a moment, it's totally mind blowing! All He has to do is speak, and this huge planet and everything in it would melt. And we fear what humans can do to us? Um, that is totally backwards! And yet, I fear man just about every day of my life. It's so easy to fall into this trap, because we are bombarded daily with tons of reasons to be afraid of man. But even though man can do some awful things, he can never have the kind of power that God does. So why do we wrap ourselves up in anxiety about people? Why do I worry so much about what people think of me, or what they say about me, or what they try to do to me? Why in the world does it even matter?
 One of the biggest things I worry about with people is them falsely accusing me. I hate it so much...it feels so unfair, cruel, and spiteful when people purposely try to make me into something I'm not, especially if they accuse me and then spread that around to others without ever confirming any of their ideas about me. This has happened to me several times in the last few years (that I'm aware of, and there are probably more times that I'm not aware of!) I let myself get wrapped up in anxiety about this, to the point where I've been afraid to trust and open up to anyone. It's a really bad place to be. I'm not there right now, thankfully, but I've been there many times and it really just stinks. I have let those accusations sink in to the point where I start to believe them myself, and then I heap guilt on myself for things that aren't even my fault. Then, when I'm feeling especially depressed, I start blaming all of those people for making me feel like this, and before I know it, I'm turning legitimate hurt into sin by harboring anger and resentment towards these people. And it makes me want to gather all of the people I can who will take my side and stand up for me, because it makes me feel better about myself to have them fighting in my corner.
 But while I was reading this passage this morning, it dawned on me that there is only ONE person who has the right to accuse me. And that is God! It might sound weird to think of Him as my accuser, but He is the only one who has the right because He is the only perfect, completely righteous judge. So he absolutely has the right to call me what I am, a sinner. He knows my heart and can see every single evil thought and attitude I have. Yep, He definitely has the right to point that finger of blame right into my face, and I'd completely deserve it. But the great thing is that I also have Jesus, the only perfect man who ever lived (who is also completely God) who took that accusation and paid the price for it on the cross! He is the perfect advocate, in fact the only one I really need. I don't need people on my side, just like I don't need to be afraid of people who aren't. God is the only judge whose opinion matters, and Jesus is the only advocate who I need on my side. It's all really that simple. Psalm 46 goes on to say, "Be still and know that I am God." And that sounds almost too simple sometimes, but really, if I truly let that sink in, then who cares what people say about me? Let them think what they want, let them say what they want, and let them spread it to the world! The only thing that would destroy me is if I was rejected by God. And that is never going to happen. So I can rejoice, when men bring their worst. Because God is still God, and while He is my judge, He has also extended His grace and mercy to me through His Son. So there's no blame or guilt on me. People are always going to misinterpret things, or just plain make things up about us. Sometimes it will even come from other Christians, or at least those who claim to be. But so what? We have the Creator of the universe-- the one who can make the earth melt just by talking--on our side.
 So, if you feel like accusing me of something in the future, or if you have in the past....let me just tell you this. Yep, you got me. I'm a sinner. I mess up. And get this.....sometimes I don't even realize it!  But, before you "crucify" me, just remember someone already hung on a cross in my place. And it's the same guy who hung on a cross for you. We all deserve the same blame and accusation, but praise Jesus, we don't have to face that condemnation because God looks at what Jesus did and declares us righteous. That's what I'm going to focus on the next time someone starts trying to point out my faults and criticize me for them. And when someone just completely makes something up and it's completely false, with no one taking my side, it won't matter. Because the entire world could turn their backs on me tomorrow, and it still wouldn't even make a dent in the magnitude of His love for me. :o)