Overcoming or Being Overcome?

 So much has happened since the last time I wrote, I am not sure where to begin. 

When I was first pregnant with Eliyanah, I thought I knew what I was in for. Sleepless nights, nursing, diapers, baby wearing, etc. Been there, done that. But then she arrived and nothing was like I expected at all. It was a period of confusion and sadness for me. I honestly felt that the baby I was pregnant with was not the baby I got. Like someone had switched babies on me somehow (pretty hard to do with a home birth, huh!). I grieved the loss of the baby I didn't have and tried to grasp the reality of the baby I did have. I am not going to lie...it was painful.

I still have my days where I feel this in a very intense way. I cry tears of wishing for what I had wanted. I ask God why He chose to do things this way. I fear the future and wonder what trials are ahead. Those are my days where my faith is weak and I am like Peter who stepped out of the boat and then took his eyes off Jesus and sank. I'm like the person without faith that James talks about who is blown and tossed by the wind. I cry until I have no tears left and I am a pretty pathetic version of someone who is supposed to believe that God is good all the time and that He is faithful and trustworthy. 

ALL those things are completely true of Him. I know this. But I feel like the disciples must have felt when He asked, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" 

And the answer is deep and has brought up all sorts of things that I thought I had worked through years ago, especially over the last 10 years. I thought I had grown in a lot of areas....and perhaps I have. But now God has been saying, "That's great! You've grown so much. Time for the next level." 

Yes, I'm comparing my walk with Jesus to leveling up in a video game. It's a silly analogy but it is absolutely how it feels. We never achieve perfection. We are always growing and maturing, always improving in little ways. Then God works on us to refine us even more. Thus, trials. Challenges. Ways to cause us to step up our game. 

I'm not calling my sweet baby a trial. Not in the least. She's a pure joy and I love her to pieces! She's this amazing little person who looks into my eyes and I am convinced she can see right into my soul. Which is quite a feat for a 3-month-old! She smiles and almost laughs and there's something about her little face that heals the brokenness I have felt over the past several weeks. She brings so much light into our family. But to say I haven't been hurting would be a lie. I want better for her. I want her to be well, and I know she will never be completely well this side of heaven. It is heart breaking and at the same time, when she achieves even the most basic milestone (and she's on track or ahead with every one of them so far!), it's a thrill that I have never experienced before, not even with my first baby. It feels like we have been graced with a real live miracle. I witness this daily!

Recently I read some incredible insight about Down syndrome. It changed my perspective and brought me one step closer to the peace I have been longing for. It basically said that it's a scientific mystery how people with DS are even alive, let alone walking, talking, and learning! This little baby had a 20% chance of surviving the initial egg release. Only 20% of those eggs survive fertilization, and only 20% of THOSE even survive the first cell division! I'll let you do the math, but those are some pretty incredible odds. And not only do they survive, they are able to learn and grow and have a happy and meaningful life. How is this possible? My only answer is that it is all God. And yes God sustains all of us, He gives us the ability to take every breath. But most of us aren't a scientific wonder. Our cells are in order and everything makes sense. But for people with DS, their cells are basically in a constant state of chaos. And yet.....they are ok! More than ok. How do we explain this but that a loving, faithful, kind, compassionate God has chosen to work miraculously to make it this way? 

I re-listened to an old sermon from Paul Tripp the other day. It was from I Peter 1. I remembered that I had listened to it when I was pregnant with Esther, and I knew the general topic, but I didn't remember any of the details. It was like he reached into the future and preached it directly to me. He spoke about how we are to rejoice in suffering. My biggest question about this has been, How? How in the world do I rejoice when everything I expected for life has been turned upside down? I felt this sermon was the answer I had been searching for. He shared that when we are upset about the things that happen in life that go against our plans, it's because are not thinking about giving God glory. Instead, we are thinking about our own glory. Our own comfort. It's so true, though it was painful to hear. If I was really all about God's glory, I'd be thanking Him for this little miracle that I get to raise and love and watch what He does in her and through her! But I've been wallowing in self-pity and doubt, wishing she was more like my other kids, wanting her to be able to do all the things they did. Is it for her that I wish this, or for me? I already know the answer. I want her to be successful in the only ways that matter. Knowing Jesus, following Him, and sharing His love with others. This is all I want for my other kids, too. At the end of my life, I won't be wondering if I was smart enough or achieved enough by human standards. I will only be hoping that I lived this one life well. Just longing for those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant". Looking forward to an eternity of praising the One who deserves all the honor and glory. 

I have had so many moments of God speaking to me, but it feels so hard to grasp what He is saying, I told Derrick that I have always heard Him loud and clear in the big life-altering events, but this time He feels more distant. Like I am under water and can't make out the words. Derrick so profoundly said that it's because all those other times, I was experiencing changes that I wanted...but this time it is painful and not what I wanted. So it is harder to hear His voice. And this is where I am reminded that my faith can't depend on my feelings. They will lie to me and make me think I am alone, forgotten, and abandoned. I need to remember God's faithfulness. The times He came through when it seemed that hope was lost. This is what I need to inform my faith with. Facts. Why is it so hard to remember truth when we are sad and hurting? 

All this is to say that I have a lot of work to do in order to get where I want to be. I am trying to embrace this new path we are on as a family, but I have not done a very good job of it thus far. I am thankful that God is patient with me, and that He is forgiving and gracious. I have experienced that in a very real way many times in my life, and even more so now. I know He is near. I do hear His voice, sometimes a little more clearly, sometimes less...but He IS there. Each day I believe just a little bit more that things are going to be ok. And on the tough days, I still WANT to believe it.  So at least that's something!

As for updates on how Eliyanah is doing, she is doing amazingly well. I still can't quite understand it. She's eating well, no more bottles needed! She is strong, in some ways even stronger than my other kids were at this stage. I smile when doctors tell me she has low muscle tone. They didn't feel her move every minute of the day like I did when I was pregnant! She is determined to crawl. It's pretty amusing to watch her push her legs up underneath her and try to lurch herself forward, which she now does regularly. Once she figures out the arms are a necessary piece, I think she will be going places! She loves for us to hold her in a standing position and she works so hard that her little muscles sometimes start to shake...and yet she doesn't quit. She is a fighter for sure! She "talks" to us with all kinds of sounds. Sometimes it seems like she's singing, other times she mimics what we say to her. She makes the sound "hi" and it sounds like a perfect little greeting. She smiles and almost squeals with excitement sometimes. Not laughing yet, but I think she will soon. She is doing so many things that she "shouldn't" be doing right now. And that reminds me that God is the one who decides every detail of her life. And every detail of each of our lives. We can fight Him if we choose, but we will be so much safer and happier if we just let Him take the reins and follow His lead. I have a lot to learn from this little miracle!

I titled this, "Overcoming or Being Overcome?" because sometimes I'm not sure which one is my reality. I know Jesus has already won the victory and He gives me the strength to overcome. But I still have to choose to fight. We love the song, "You've Already Won" by Shane & Shane. The chorus says, 

"I'm fighting a battle You've already won

No matter what comes my way, I will overcome

Don't know what You're doing, but I know what You've done

I'm fighting a battle You've already won."

I still have to make a choice every day to fight. And that goes against who I am in my sinful nature, which is basically the opposite of a fighter. I like to give up when things get tough. I want to run away and hide. But that is not an option this time. My little girl needs me to be strong and I have Jesus who has already won so that I CAN be strong. It's one day at a time, but my prayer is that I will become a fighter just like Eliyanah, who defied all the odds to be here. She certainly is overcoming, and I pray I can follow her sweet little example. 

Until next time, please keep us in your prayers and please keep on fighting, whatever your battle may be!