Philippians 2:1-11 - The Ultimate Example

I am really enjoying typing out my thoughts on Philippians! I also find that it really helps me to focus as I'm reading each passage. Instead of just reading it and moving on, I'm reflecting and trying to organize my thoughts. There is so much we can learn from God's Word. If I did this study 3 more times, I'm sure I could pick out at least that many more topics to write about! And then a year from now, I would probably see completely new things. The Bible truly is alive and powerful!

This passage is definitely one of my favorites. I am just so blown away by what Christ has done for us all. And I love the mental picture I get when I think of seeing "every knee bow" in worship of our great Savior!

In Chapter 1, Paul talked about how there were some who were preaching the gospel out of rivalry, and not out of the right motivation. He went on to say that he wants the Philippians to be "standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel" (1:27).

In Chapter 2, he tells them how they can achieve this unity in spirit: through following Christ's example of humility--

"Do nothing from rivalry of conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (vs. 3-8)

I have always had a longing deep within me to be a part of something bigger than myself. I believe that this is something most people desire, and that God wired us to want to be part of a community. We need each other! However, too often I have allowed myself to build walls, to remain distant, to just be an "island" and not be truly unified with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The reason? Pride. Exactly the opposite of what Jesus has done. Instead of counting others more significant than myself, I have put my own needs and wants first. Because of that, when those requirements were not being met, I decided that being part of a body of believers was not worth my time and energy. I nursed my wounds and hid in the corner, playing the victim and blaming others for my loneliness. The reality is, I wasn't willing to obey God's Word in this area. I didn't want to put others first. I wanted everyone to put me first! The thing is, we can't read God's Word in order to fix everyone else. James says that it acts like a mirror, by which we can see our own reflection. It is not our job to make sure everyone else measures up, but that we ourselves are obeying and following! This is why obeying requires TRUST. Because we must do as He asks, and recognize that His way is always best, whether things turn out the way we would like or not.

Hmmm, that may have been a bit of a tangent.

Anyway, my point is, I needed an attitude adjustment (and still do, from time to time!). And on a daily basis, I need a reminder to put others before myself. To look at their interests and needs as more important as my own. How do I achieve this? This is not easy, because as humans, we are naturally very selfish. The answer? Jesus. It's always Jesus. His example is so incredible. He IS GOD. That is not something to be taken lightly! He gave up position in heaven to become a lowly human on earth. And, that kind of humility is just unthinkable...but it doesn't stop there. No, he didn't just walk the earth for a few decades, being subjected to sickness, grief, hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. It goes far, far beyond that. You see, He allowed Himself to be put to death by us. The same people who He counted as more significant than Himself. The ones who He came to rescue. We crucified Him and He still did not fight back, because His death is what would save us, and He was putting us before Himself.

So, if you are desiring to be truly connected with the body of Christ, follow His example. And in those times when it seems like you're on the outside looking in, take a look at how you're viewing others. Are you seeing their needs? Are you truly reaching out, asking people how they are doing, and praying for others on a regular basis? Are you inviting people into your home, participating in times of study and prayer? I promise you, if you are doing these things, you will be unified with other believers. It will just happen naturally. And, in the process, you will think less of yourself and more of others, just like Jesus has done when He came to live on this earth. And the next time you struggle to sacrifice yourself for others, think of all He gave up for us. It may change your perspective.

Just another Crazy "Crunchy Family"..or Are We?

Disclaimer: This is long. If you read the whole thing, thank you!! But whether you do or not, would you please share a comment below (even something as simple as a smiley face)? I've had some issues with people not being able to leave a comment so I'm hoping to get everyone who reads this to at least try to leave one, so I can figure out where the problem is. Thank you!!

I've been thinking that I wanted to write a post to share more about who we are, for those who don't know us, or at least...don't know us very well. But I wasn't sure where to start until yesterday, after a conversation with a dear friend. We were talking about how it's easy to look at how someone chooses to do something and feel like in order to measure up, we need to be doing the same. It's so hard not to compare ourselves to others sometimes, isn't it? Truthfully, I really struggle with that. It's gotten better lately but especially as Chloe gets older, I find myself more and more influenced by what other parents think and do. It's really kinda ridiculous, because we're all in different places and no two families are alike (or two people for that matter!), which means that no one strategy is going to work for everyone. I'm not sure why we have this whole "Keeping up with the Jones'" thing going on. It's always been a pet peeve of mine when people care so much about living up to someone else's standard....why in the world do we succumb to that? Well, because when we're honest with ourselves, we're all a little bit afraid that we might not be doing things in the best possible way 100% of the time (who does?) and so when we see someone who appears to be doing a better job, we take a mental note and vow to strive to be more like that person. Or we shower ourselves with guilt for not being that person. Or....we justify why we don't do it like that person, better or not, and ignore all the feelings of inadequacy that may come along with it.

Well....this is what I do anyway....hopefully I'm not alone?!?! :)

ANYWAY. I believe there's a better solution. Being realistic and honest with yourself about who you are, and focusing on what God has you focusing on....not what He's trying to teach every single person around you. Because that can be really confusing and I have already lost enough brain cells having 2 babies....so I don't need any more confusion in my life, thank you very much!

Most of you know that our family chooses to go against the grain for a lot of things. Home birthing, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding, natural cleaners, homemade personal care products, building up immunity naturally, home remedies for illness prevention and treatment, chemical-free living, gluten free, food-dye free, (mostly organic) whole food eating, homeschooling (in the future) etc etc etc! I've heard it all....from being told we're crunchy, asking if we're going to ending up being one of those families who use "family cloth" (nope, that's too far even for me!), being told we don't use soap (we definitely DO), and a few variations of "I could never do THAT"  complete with raised eyebrows and perplexed looks.

OK YES! We are that family. We are sooooo weird, based on most people's perception of normal. I used to think people like us were total wackos. Well guess what...."Hi, my name is Melyssa, and I'm a natural living wacko. OH, and I love Jesus, too!!!" But the question that I really want to address in this post is...do these two things go hand in hand? Do we believe it's necessary to do all these things to be a follower of Jesus...and therefore think that all other Christians should be just like us in order to show they really love Him, too?

Nope. Not at all.

These things are not what I call "gospel issues". They don't save a person. They don't make someone better than anyone else. They are mostly lifestyle preferences. They should have absolutely no power to cause division among believers (though sadly, they often do). It's just stuff we do (or don't do). You wash your clothes with Tide? Cool...we are sensitive to the chemicals and scents of commercial detergent so we use soap nuts. You love ice cream sandwiches and brownie sundaes? ME TOO. But I can't have dairy right now because of my nursling and I'm trying to avoid gluten as well. So....we make frozen banana, chocolate, peanut butter, and almond milk smoothies instead. Life is just life and we all make different choices....that's the beauty of the minds God gave us to think and choose and decide for ourselves. He didn't spell it out in the Bible so....as long as we're not blatantly opposing Him, we have options. Side note: This goes both ways....no matter what choices we make, it never makes us better or smarter than someone else or a better Christian (if that's what you're striving for)...it just doesn't work that way.

However, having said all of that, I must add our own personal experience and why we do believe that our choices are an important part of our relationship with God. I tell you this, not to say that you should do it, too, but simply to explain where our hearts are at. Like I said before, we're all in different places.

I could give you a long list of all the benefits we have experienced from changing our lifestyle...but I won't go into that in this post. What I want to do is highlight a few key points to hopefully provide some clarity on where we stand:

1) Natural Living Can Totally Be an Idol (Just Like Anything Else)

If something completely consumes us, we can't stop thinking about it day and night, and we freak out if we can't have it the way we want it...it's an idol. God is clear in His Word that we're to only worship HIM. As believers, we struggle all the time with putting things or people before Him. It's our natural selfish tendency to want to do things our way.  Here are a few questions I try to ask myself to help me refocus:

1. Am I doing this because it's what I believe is what God wants me to do or is it because I want control?
2. Am I stressed out or upset if something doesn't work the way I want it to?
3. Do I care more about the spiritual condition of those around me than I do about this?
4. Do I take it personally if someone disagrees with me or thinks I am wrong?

I read this post on the Passionate Homemaking blog a long time ago before we even started on this journey and I love it. It describes my feelings so well! I encourage you to take a few moments to read it!
 Can Natural Living Become an Idol?

2) Natural Living Is Not Without Its Flaws

It's not a perfect system. Nothing is on this side of eternity. There are natural things that can be harmful (though it is very rare and usually you'd have to consume a LOT before it's even a remote possibility), or that just don't work as well as a conventional method. Case in point, we were having issues with ammonia build up with Chloe's diapers. We did everything naturally to try to "strip" them, and nothing worked long term. We finally broke down and used a little bit of bleach....problem gone. Another example is when I was sick with Hand, Foot, and Mouth at the beginning of June. I had a very high fever...and I know that it's better to leave fevers alone and not try to lower them because it slows down your body's ability to fight the illness. But you know what? It was 85 degrees outside, my temp was unbearable, and I needed to care for 2 kids. So, I took ibuprofen. And it helped me be able to function. So, while I will always go to the natural method first, I'm willing to admit defeat if we have exhausted every option and use a man-made chemical or medicine. If I or my kids are sick and nothing I do helps and we are truly very sick, I will go to the doctor (hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't mean it won't!)....because I'm not anti-doctors or conventional methods or commercial products. I just believe there are a lot of better, safer, non-toxic options that I want to try first. I see all that other stuff as having its place, for sure. And that place is to use sparingly, if completely necessary. Same goes for labor and child birth....but that's another post for another day. ;)

3) Natural Living Is not a Savior

Some people look at doing things their own way because they are hoping it will protect them...that if we take care of our bodies and eat the way God intended (whole foods the way He created them) we will have a long life and never be sick. I am sure that in general, a healthy lifestyle (good diet, avoiding harmful substances, and adequate exercise) causes a person to have a better chance of living longer. BUT, this is not why we do it. Because we believe that God has already decided long ago exactly how many days we have on earth and no amount of worrying or striving can add to that. (Matthew 6) I could have a completely healthy body and die in a car accident. I get that and I am totally fine with it. Because I don't look at this as having some sort of power to extend my life. Instead, because I know that eating and living this way makes me feel better, I want to make the most of my time and energy for Jesus by feeling up to the task. I don't want my love and cravings for junk food to become an idol to the point where I'd rather have that than feel well enough to serve Jesus in any way He wants.
People question why I bother to avoid toxins when there are so many unavoidable ones all around us. "Well, the air we breathe can be toxic, so what's the point of worrying so much? You can't escape everything, you know." I agree, it is impossible. We'd literally have to live in a bubble and this would not be what God would want believers to do. How could we reach out and build community with others if we are afraid of any possible exposure to something harmful? This is where the rubber meets the road....following Jesus is more important that natural living. Here are some "rules" in our house:

1. Food and drink are not issues that should be divisive. So when we are out with others, at someone's house, or at a church function, we don't stress out about what we eat or what chemicals we come in contact with. Fellowship is more important than our preferences. Unless it's dairy or gluten, because those things are specific health issues for us. We usually have something packed for the kids as a backup, but if not, it's not a big deal.

2. We don't argue or debate with people on why we've made these choices. It tends to stir up a lot of emotion and we just don't think it's necessary. If people ask me for suggestions, I am happy to give them. And I am passionate about all the things I'm learning so you'll see a lot of articles and blog posts shared on FB about these topics. And, if you or your child are struggling with a health/behavioral issue and you mention it to me, I might casually hint at a few natural/diet remedies...because I really do believe that a lot of things can be fixed that way. But, I don't want to upset you and I definitely don't want you to feel judged if you disagree (and vice versa)...so I'm willing to avoid that topic in the future. I'd rather have your friendship than convince you why I believe what I believe (except when it comes to Jesus....because this is a matter of eternity, and that's important enough to be willing to lose friends over, as hard as it would be).

3. We focus on what we can do and we don't worry about what we can't. Sometimes, I have a bite of cheese or gluten. Occasionally we go to a restaurant and let Chloe eat breaded chicken or fish. Once in a while (though it used to be a daily thing and I'm over it now), I get an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. And often we're so busy throughout the day that at night we're too tired to think about dinner so we order out something that's not all that healthy. My point is, we're not obsessive. We "cheat", and we don't beat ourselves up for it. Because once again, if you get that focused on something, it's clearly an idol, and then, instead of glorifying God, you're putting something before Him. That's the last thing we want to do.

Conclusion: I know this was long, but I'm really hoping that it gave you a better picture of our family, and where we are on the "natural living scale"...if there is such a thing. I'd like to see ourselves somewhere in the middle.  I don't think this stuff is more important than fellowship, commanded by God, or is going to give our family a perfectly healthy, long life. BUT, I do believe that the Bible is clear on how we should take care of our bodies to the best of our abilities, and should be willing to give up anything and everything (gradually, one by one) that we are holding onto simply because we want it. Life is so much bigger than us, and it is a lie from the world that says we should make the most of this short time on earth by pleasing ourselves. Instead, we need to make the most of this time by being willing to sacrifice our wants and desires on a daily basis...to bring God more glory in and through each of us.


Our trust is not in how "crunchy" we are.....it is in Christ. We seek Him and He guides us through all of these decisions....and we place our faith in Him. It's so easy to think we have control....but while I struggle with this at times, I am usually just so relieved that I don't!

My "Total Mom Fail" of the Week (times two)

Do you ever have days where it feels like everything you do as a parent is just...wrong? I do, all the time. I really want my kids to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable human beings and I don't want to pass a single one of my negative character traits on to them. So when I inevitably let them see a side of me that I don't want them to take after, I think, "Oh no, I'm going to ruin my kids!" As if I alone am the only human being in the world who will have an impact on them and shape who they are.

A good example of this happened yesterday. We decided to get up early and go on a nice family hike. It was a trail that I have been requesting to go on many times over the last few months and we finally had the perfect day to do it. We remembered everything, got the kids all set with their long sleeves/pants and hats for protection from bugs...got Elijah on my back and Chloe on Derrick's back, put our awesome natural bug repellent on, and set out for our walk. I was feeling pretty good about it. A nice day, kids were happy, we were adequately prepared....the perfect scenario. We set off down the trail and everything was fine except for Elijah deciding he didn't like the carrier and wanting to kick and squirm...but I figured he'd settle down eventually. Then, all the sudden I noticed there seemed to be a lot of bugs around us. Then I said to Derrick, "Was there something hovering over there?" At first I thought it was a giant spider, but it flew away. Then, a few seconds later, I noticed another one. "What IS that?" Derrick tells me it's just a horsefly. "A horsefly? They are not THAT big, right?"

This is basically what we were seeing....hundreds of them. I found this pic on whatsthatbug.com  because there was no way I would have stopped long enough to take a picture of the ones we saw!! 

Now is probably a good time to tell you how much I hate bugs. I really do enjoy the outdoors but I really, really hate insects, especially anything that bites or stings. Especially anything that is GIANT and bites or stings. So, when I noticed that these enormous hovering creatures were, in fact, horseflies, I was pretty freaked out. I now noticed that there were not one or two in front of us at a time, but dozens. They would kind of play "chicken" and wait for us to come at them, then start swarming all around. I tensed up, and started walking faster, which did not help Elijah to calm down, in fact, he got more agitated. Then, it got even worse. I felt like I was in some sort of movie with mutant killer bugs. I wanted to scream, but instead I started hyperventilating. I know, what a loser, right? At this point Elijah was full out wailing, and I was done. So, when Derrick finally gave me the out and said we could turn around, I did not even hesitate. "I don't even care what's at the end of this trail anymore, it's not worth it!" So we headed back. Actually, we started jogging back, because now not only were we being swarmed by bumble-bee sized horseflies, but now we were being eaten alive by the most hungry mosquitoes I had ever seen! Needless to say, I was not acting calm. I was upset....I was disappointed that we weren't going to get to finish our hike, and I was feeling guilty for being so freaked out by bugs and being the reason we had turned around. Then, it happened, the toddler spoke up with words that shattered my spirit:

"Daddy....Mama sad!"

So, for the rest of the walk back (which seemed like it took forever), all these thoughts were racing through my head. "I hate that I'm scared of everything! Great, now I'm going to make Chloe scared of bugs, too. I want her to be a kid that's not held back by fear like I was! I want her to grow up and be able to do things and not have a million anxieties about them! Why am I so good at ruining our kids?" And all of these thoughts just made me more upset so by the time we got to the car, all 4 of us were agitated. Elijah mostly because he still did not want to be in the carrier and was not about to settle down since he was clearly feeding off of me. Chloe because she loves hiking and did not want to get back in the car. Derrick because he just wanted me to calm down and I didn't want to. And me because....well all of that. 

As we started to drive away, they both relaxed and Chloe said, "That was fun!" And I instantly realized I was beating myself up unnecessarily, for the millionth time. And we both calmed down too, and just agreed to try going there again in the fall when there are no bugs. Then we headed out for a grocery trip where I brought Chloe in with me and she helped me put things in the cart...then off to a toy and book shop where she had a blast. So all in all, a pretty exciting day for her, the hike (or lack thereof) being long forgotten. I love that about her, she just lives in the moment and enjoys every experience, and lets go of the past. I need to learn a thing or two from my two-year-old. 

This was perfect timing for me because tomorrow, the 13th, I'm starting an online Bible study that goes along with a book by Lysa TerKeurst called, "Am I Messing Up My Kids?". I read the first chapter about how her first daughter was 14 months and in a store with her being a totally crazy toddler, all while she was like 8 months pregnant. It brought back memories of some interesting moments in public places with Chloe while I was pregnant with Elijah! The embarrassment, the feelings of inadequacy, and basically just feeling like your kid just totally schooled you. Yep, been there! I'm so excited to learn from her wisdom as a mom of 5, and am thankful she is willing to be honest about her own struggles as a parent. If you'd like to join the online Bible study, it is done by Proverbs 31 Ministries. You can sign up here. I bought my version of the book on Amazon and I'm reading it on my laptop with Kindle Cloud Reader. They also have paperback available.

My lesson for the day was that, I'm giving myself too much credit if I think I'm the one who can either make or break my kids. They are God's, not mine. He is shaping them and He gave me to them as their mom for a reason. I will make mistakes, I will show weaknesses, and I will return to bad habits that I should be giving up. And yes, they will probably get some of their sin struggles from me. But, what they will learn the most from me is how I handle it when I do mess up. Do I stay in it, or do I let it go and move on? Do I hold onto wanting to be "right", or do I admit I was wrong and apologize? Do I say, "Well, this is just how I am", or do I open up my heart to grow and be changed by God, no matter how hard it is? This is where my example will really matter...not how messed up I am, but how willing I am to grow. 

Growing Together.....I think that really IS the perfect title! :)

P.S. Tonight, after writing this, Chloe fell out of the car while trying to climb out. She's done it by herself a bunch of times and has gotten really good at it so I stopped standing right there every time...and this time I was getting the screaming baby out of his seat. Watching her fall head first was terrifying...I was praying nonstop as we went inside so I could assess the situation. I'm sure all you veteran moms of toddlers are chuckling to yourselves but I seriously considered taking her to the ER since I was alone and couldn't get ahold of Derrick. But, this girl amazes me. She came in, requested to watch Pooh, then asked to use the potty (all while still crying), sat down and peed while asking for a snack. Crying stopped, and she was all smiles, knowing she was getting chocolate chips for peeing on the potty (I may have given her a few extra!). Oh, and, I learned from yesterday. I stayed totally calm and normal on the outside (while inwardly spazzing)....and this helped her to relax really quickly! When I finally reached Derrick, he talked to her and asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Talking on the phone!" (duh, daddy...lol) He concluded from that response that she is most likely ok....haha. Since coming home he has reassured me about 10 times that it's not my fault and that she will be ok. Once again, I am reminded that she is in God's hands, and He is in charge of every step, every fall, every breath. He knows her every need....and even in this, there is no need for mom guilt to overtake me.

Still kinda dreading what that bruise will look like in the morning, not to mention all the people at church asking what happened...oh well, with this independent girl, it's bound to happen again. Might as well get used to it!

Choose Your Identity...

I just signed on to start working on a blog post, and found a post by a friend that I wanted to read first. When I went to leave a comment, there were these words: "Choose your identity". So really, it wasn't that deep, it was just asking me what name I wanted next to my comment, or if I wanted it to be anonymous. But it was perfect timing because I was going to title this post.....

"Who am I?"

 I am in a lot of different roles right now. Wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher, mother....the list goes on. I have spent a lot of time thinking of who I am in light of these titles. It's gotten to a point where if people disagree with how I do things, I take it personally. Because if all I am is a mom, and someone thinks I'm a bad one, then where does that leave me? Or if I don't measure up to the kind of wife I think Derrick wants me to be, then am I a total failure? I guess I would be, if those were my true definitions. Thankfully, there is only one role that matters and it is the only one that has nothing to do with my performance.

"I am a follower of Christ."

What Should Worship "Services" Look Like?

So I was just watching two different worship services on Roku...one was a college service and the other was a Sunday morning worship. Here's my random thought.....it's all so.....showy. Is that a word? ugh. Well, it fits whether it's a word or not. I am not a fan of the stage, microphones, rehearsing, performance, etc. I mean, I get WHY the church has moved more and more in that direction (want to be heard and seen easily, help teach new songs to congregation, etc), but I think it has become something other than that for a lot of worship leaders and musicians. I've been a part of a lot of worship teams and it was always about looking "worshipful" (which is what I saw in these videos today). I don't get it. If you look at it objectively, it kinda looks ridiculous. I have crazy stories, from being told how to dress in order to play music to being chewed out by a pastor for not playing "background music" behind his closing prayer to get people in a worshipful "mood". Too many other examples to list.....if it's about Jesus, make it about Him. Otherwise, don't call it a worship service. The end....of my thoughts, but feel free to share yours! :)

Elijah's Debut Story

As this was my first experience with homebirth, I wanted to make sure I documented this wonderful testimony of God’s faithfulness, love, and perfect timing. I know I will tell this story a hundred times and I’m not likely to forget it, but I still want it in writing, to share with others or to read over myself, and be reminded again and again of how God has blessed and cared for us. Now where do I begin? 

I found out this little bundle was arriving at the end of March. I somehow convinced myself I was further along than I was with Chloe, so when we settled on a due date of November 23rd, based on the EDD chart, I just told myself it would be sooner. We had also opted out of ultrasounds for this pregnancy, and so I never got that early “sneak peak”. But again, this didn’t matter to me because I was “sure” that this child was coming when I wanted him or her to come. Even though I have been pregnant before and know how unpredictable it can be, I still wanted to plan and be in control. And yet on the other hand, we made a very deliberate choice to be as natural as possible with this pregnancy and birth. We began seeing a wonderful midwife and planning a home water birth. We were thrilled to have an alternative to all of the invasiveness and “control” that the medical world offers. It has become so standard and normal, but we wanted to leave as much up to God as possible. It was a wonderful feeling. A very easy, laid back, and healthy pregnancy ensued. I really enjoy being pregnant and now I can say with confidence, after having two children, I would be overjoyed to do it all again! I also loved the anticipation and excitement that came along with not knowing the gender and now I know that from this point on, we will never “find out” before hand. It is just way too awesome of a feeling to experience right at the moment of birth, I never want to miss out on that again!

It only got tough towards the end, because as I said before, I did think my due date was a little off and that I would have this baby early. I am blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful group of women who have had lots of babies, most of which had come early, that I convinced myself I wanted to be part of the “early baby” club. I never really conversed with God about this but it was in my head and my heart, I would hit that lovely 37 week mark and then BOOM, the baby would appear and all would be right with the world! 

So God taught me a lesson, in both patience and trust. Each day that got closer to my due date, I started to feel like my body was less and less ready to give birth. The baby just seemed at home in there. I was still feeling great and active, so it wasn’t a huge deal. Then my due date came and went, and that’s when the agonizingly long days started. I began to realize that I had been right about my due date being a bit off, but just in the opposite direction. There had been signs, but I had ignored them because I had trusted in my own wisdom and understanding and “knew” how it would all play out. The “10 day overdue” mark arrived and on December 2nd, my midwife set up an ultrasound just to make sure all was well. I felt like each day was lasting a week and my mind was growing weary of all the questions (both from myself and others) and wondering. At this point, the ultrasound was the best thing that could have happened to me. Even though we wanted to avoid them, we know they can be very useful tools and this was one of those times where it was really helpful. So we took that LONG drive to Littleton (It felt very long, trust me), and I cried and prayed the whole way. I was convinced that this baby would never come out on its own. I was SURE that I’d end up having a hospital birth after all this time. Once again, I started telling God what was going to happen. I was terrified. And then the most beautiful thing happened…..that baby popped up on the screen in the ultrasound room and everything was….PERFECT. Not a single thing wrong. Absolutely normal. Not even showing signs of being “overdue”! That day, we left pretty convinced that the baby was right around 40 weeks. It was a moment of elation for me. I finally was able to let go of my fears and rest in the God who had created both me and the little wonder inside of me. He had orchestrated it all, and He would continue to do so. 

And, even after all that, there was still more waiting to do! But it didn’t seem quite so agonizing anymore. The ultrasound was on Monday, and after that I went about my week, stayed busy, and tried to keep up the routine as much as possible. Thankfully, I didn’t need to do this for long! On Wednesday I started feeling lousy and tired. Not labor yet, but just not myself. In the middle of the night (early Thursday morning), I started having regular contractions that lasted several hours...but they were only 10 minutes apart and not that strong, so when we got up that morning, we decided to do our regular thing. Derrick still went to work, and I still watched Evan (though I did send him home early so I could nap in the afternoon). I just didn’t want to get too excited if it was a false alarm. By the end of the school day, my contractions had slowed way down and weren’t very regular. Again, frustration set in. Would I really have to go through another day like this, waiting and wondering? Praise God for the answer to that question! My midwife came to check on me at 9 pm on Thursday and said I was 3 cm dilated, 100% effaced, and ready to go..just needed to dilate more. So she told me to try getting some sleep and see what happens. She left, and I did sleep for about an hour or so...until 11:30 pm and BAM! I woke straight up with a real contraction! I’ve never been so happy to feel pain in my life. 7 minutes later, another one! I got Derrick to wake up because I didn’t think it was fair for him to sleep if I couldn’t. :) This continued for a while, we even tried to sleep some more, but I would doze off between them and then wake up for every one. So eventually I gave up and tried to stay awake. At around 3:30, they were really in full gear, but STILL only 5-7 minutes apart! I thought it was going to be the longest labor of my life. So I asked Derrick to update my midwife and since we all thought there was still plenty of time, we didn’t ask her to rush out. She decided to come anyway and arrived by 5:00 am. I had just taken a shower (not easy with bad contractions, but it did feel great!) and was sitting on an exercise ball which is now my “favorite” laboring position, if there is such a thing! I was pretty comfortable and able to relax between contractions...but they were still like 5 minutes apart, and each one seemed to last such a long time. She checked on the baby and his heart rate was awesome. They set up all the birth things, got water boiling for sterilization, set up the tub for the water birth, and then were just going to lie down and rest a bit and wait for me to progress further. She offered to check me and I gladly accepted! I wanted to know how much longer this was going to take...I was really starting to hit that point of losing my resolve. And wow, was I surprised when she told me I had reached 8 centimeters! The end was in sight, and she wanted to get me in the tub. So they began filling it and getting it the right temperature while I sat back down on the ball to wait. Derrick even got the camera ready! :) Turns out, this little bundle, who had made me wait SO long for his arrival, decided to make a very sudden appearance! After about 2 more contractions, I realized that the sharp pain I was feeling was actually the baby’s head bearing down! So I decided to go with it instead of fighting it and, instantly, my water broke. At the time it was kind of shocking and startling to me and I said “Ow!” only because I had no other word to describe that feeling. So no one knew right away that was what happened, because I thought it was obvious and didn’t require an announcement. Derrick realized it quickly afterwards (because he was wet, haha) and then it became much more urgent to get me in the water. Praise God, it had just finished filling! I protested to moving, because I could feel the baby coming and didn’t think he’d stay in if I got up….so my midwife replied, “Well, then you’re going to birth this baby right here!” And instantly I remembered how MUCH I wanted a water birth and I gathered up the nerve to move (with lots of help, of course!). By the time I got comfortable, the next contraction hit and that was all it took. I don’t remember exactly how many pushes but, I can say with confidence that the entire delivery lasted 1-2 minutes. It was without a doubt, the most intense feeling I’ve ever experienced! I wouldn’t say it was agonizingly painful, but it was overwhelming, to the point where I am amazed I didn’t wake Chloe up with my wailing! And then there he was, in my arms, just as perfect as could be, all nice and cozy and warm in the water and both he and I were totally and instantly relaxed. It even took me a few seconds to ask his gender because, it truly wasn’t even my first thought when he arrived. All I could think of was how happy and overjoyed I was to be holding this amazing little person, who I had waited SOOO long to lay eyes on. I finally said, “Oh, what are you, I didn’t even look!” And of course, as most had suspected and guessed all along, he was a beautiful, strong, healthy, little boy. And I loved him instantly. 

So he arrived at 6:23 am. And even more great and wonderful things came afterwards. Like, only 10-15 minutes after he was born, I was walking to my couch, getting nice and comfortable and holding him. Soft worship music was coming from our tv, Derrick was right here with me, Chloe was still sleeping away upstairs, and the sun was just rising. What an incredible, glorious time to celebrate Elijah’s birth and God’s grace and mercy on us! I was just soaking in each and every wonderful minute as I began nursing him for the first time.. By around 8:30 am, Chloe was out of bed and sitting on the couch with me, watching while they did all the newborn checks, got him weighed and measured, put him in his first diaper (cloth of course!!), dressed him, swaddled him up and laid him back in my arms. And here we were, this new family of four, sitting together in our living room, just 2 hours after Elijah had come into the world! By that point, almost everything had been cleaned up, things looked pretty normal in our house, I was feeling amazing (definitely not like I had just given birth!) and by around 9:00-9:30, my midwife and her assistant left. We had the whole day to just quietly rest, enjoy new babyhood, and reflect on all that God had done. 

Turns out, Elijah probably was a few days “overdue”. We could tell by how super LONG his fingernails were and that most of the vernix babies are born with was already gone! But when we saw how healthy and strong he is, what a good eater and sleeper he is, we knew that God had once again proven Himself to be faithful and sovereign. And I had once again proven myself to be a worrier and untrusting. I have since repented of that and praise God for all that He has taught me through this wonderful experience. It’s still a battle for me to keep trusting Him daily, but I have to remember that He has carried me this far and will continue to do so throughout all of my days, and all of the days that I am caring for these beautiful children. There are probably a whole list of other reasons why Elijah’s birthday, December 6th, 2013, was the most perfect timing, but I won’t bore you with those details. In fact, I am sure I don’t even know all of the reasons why God chose that day, and I’m sure I never will! Elijah’s middle name is “Job”...I wanted this name because it is a reminder to me of all that Job went through and how when he questioned God, he was brought to his knees by the realization that God is completely sovereign, and does not owe any of us an explanation for anything He chooses to do. We can “wonder” all we want about His ways, but in the end, we have no right to question Him. He is our God, our Creator. We are His children, and we can rest in knowing that He will always do what is best. In every situation, no matter how we think things should go, He always knows infinitely more than we ever will. Someday, I will get to teach Elijah about how he got his middle name, and I pray that He will grow up trusting in His sovereign Father in heaven who loves him in a greater way than I could even fathom. Here is a passage in Psalms that brought me comfort as I anxiously awaited Elijah’s arrival, and I will always associate it with the lessons God taught me:

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength[b] of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28 But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.
Psalm 73:23-28