My "Total Mom Fail" of the Week (times two)

Do you ever have days where it feels like everything you do as a parent is just...wrong? I do, all the time. I really want my kids to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable human beings and I don't want to pass a single one of my negative character traits on to them. So when I inevitably let them see a side of me that I don't want them to take after, I think, "Oh no, I'm going to ruin my kids!" As if I alone am the only human being in the world who will have an impact on them and shape who they are.

A good example of this happened yesterday. We decided to get up early and go on a nice family hike. It was a trail that I have been requesting to go on many times over the last few months and we finally had the perfect day to do it. We remembered everything, got the kids all set with their long sleeves/pants and hats for protection from bugs...got Elijah on my back and Chloe on Derrick's back, put our awesome natural bug repellent on, and set out for our walk. I was feeling pretty good about it. A nice day, kids were happy, we were adequately prepared....the perfect scenario. We set off down the trail and everything was fine except for Elijah deciding he didn't like the carrier and wanting to kick and squirm...but I figured he'd settle down eventually. Then, all the sudden I noticed there seemed to be a lot of bugs around us. Then I said to Derrick, "Was there something hovering over there?" At first I thought it was a giant spider, but it flew away. Then, a few seconds later, I noticed another one. "What IS that?" Derrick tells me it's just a horsefly. "A horsefly? They are not THAT big, right?"

This is basically what we were seeing....hundreds of them. I found this pic on whatsthatbug.com  because there was no way I would have stopped long enough to take a picture of the ones we saw!! 

Now is probably a good time to tell you how much I hate bugs. I really do enjoy the outdoors but I really, really hate insects, especially anything that bites or stings. Especially anything that is GIANT and bites or stings. So, when I noticed that these enormous hovering creatures were, in fact, horseflies, I was pretty freaked out. I now noticed that there were not one or two in front of us at a time, but dozens. They would kind of play "chicken" and wait for us to come at them, then start swarming all around. I tensed up, and started walking faster, which did not help Elijah to calm down, in fact, he got more agitated. Then, it got even worse. I felt like I was in some sort of movie with mutant killer bugs. I wanted to scream, but instead I started hyperventilating. I know, what a loser, right? At this point Elijah was full out wailing, and I was done. So, when Derrick finally gave me the out and said we could turn around, I did not even hesitate. "I don't even care what's at the end of this trail anymore, it's not worth it!" So we headed back. Actually, we started jogging back, because now not only were we being swarmed by bumble-bee sized horseflies, but now we were being eaten alive by the most hungry mosquitoes I had ever seen! Needless to say, I was not acting calm. I was upset....I was disappointed that we weren't going to get to finish our hike, and I was feeling guilty for being so freaked out by bugs and being the reason we had turned around. Then, it happened, the toddler spoke up with words that shattered my spirit:

"Daddy....Mama sad!"

So, for the rest of the walk back (which seemed like it took forever), all these thoughts were racing through my head. "I hate that I'm scared of everything! Great, now I'm going to make Chloe scared of bugs, too. I want her to be a kid that's not held back by fear like I was! I want her to grow up and be able to do things and not have a million anxieties about them! Why am I so good at ruining our kids?" And all of these thoughts just made me more upset so by the time we got to the car, all 4 of us were agitated. Elijah mostly because he still did not want to be in the carrier and was not about to settle down since he was clearly feeding off of me. Chloe because she loves hiking and did not want to get back in the car. Derrick because he just wanted me to calm down and I didn't want to. And me because....well all of that. 

As we started to drive away, they both relaxed and Chloe said, "That was fun!" And I instantly realized I was beating myself up unnecessarily, for the millionth time. And we both calmed down too, and just agreed to try going there again in the fall when there are no bugs. Then we headed out for a grocery trip where I brought Chloe in with me and she helped me put things in the cart...then off to a toy and book shop where she had a blast. So all in all, a pretty exciting day for her, the hike (or lack thereof) being long forgotten. I love that about her, she just lives in the moment and enjoys every experience, and lets go of the past. I need to learn a thing or two from my two-year-old. 

This was perfect timing for me because tomorrow, the 13th, I'm starting an online Bible study that goes along with a book by Lysa TerKeurst called, "Am I Messing Up My Kids?". I read the first chapter about how her first daughter was 14 months and in a store with her being a totally crazy toddler, all while she was like 8 months pregnant. It brought back memories of some interesting moments in public places with Chloe while I was pregnant with Elijah! The embarrassment, the feelings of inadequacy, and basically just feeling like your kid just totally schooled you. Yep, been there! I'm so excited to learn from her wisdom as a mom of 5, and am thankful she is willing to be honest about her own struggles as a parent. If you'd like to join the online Bible study, it is done by Proverbs 31 Ministries. You can sign up here. I bought my version of the book on Amazon and I'm reading it on my laptop with Kindle Cloud Reader. They also have paperback available.

My lesson for the day was that, I'm giving myself too much credit if I think I'm the one who can either make or break my kids. They are God's, not mine. He is shaping them and He gave me to them as their mom for a reason. I will make mistakes, I will show weaknesses, and I will return to bad habits that I should be giving up. And yes, they will probably get some of their sin struggles from me. But, what they will learn the most from me is how I handle it when I do mess up. Do I stay in it, or do I let it go and move on? Do I hold onto wanting to be "right", or do I admit I was wrong and apologize? Do I say, "Well, this is just how I am", or do I open up my heart to grow and be changed by God, no matter how hard it is? This is where my example will really matter...not how messed up I am, but how willing I am to grow. 

Growing Together.....I think that really IS the perfect title! :)

P.S. Tonight, after writing this, Chloe fell out of the car while trying to climb out. She's done it by herself a bunch of times and has gotten really good at it so I stopped standing right there every time...and this time I was getting the screaming baby out of his seat. Watching her fall head first was terrifying...I was praying nonstop as we went inside so I could assess the situation. I'm sure all you veteran moms of toddlers are chuckling to yourselves but I seriously considered taking her to the ER since I was alone and couldn't get ahold of Derrick. But, this girl amazes me. She came in, requested to watch Pooh, then asked to use the potty (all while still crying), sat down and peed while asking for a snack. Crying stopped, and she was all smiles, knowing she was getting chocolate chips for peeing on the potty (I may have given her a few extra!). Oh, and, I learned from yesterday. I stayed totally calm and normal on the outside (while inwardly spazzing)....and this helped her to relax really quickly! When I finally reached Derrick, he talked to her and asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Talking on the phone!" (duh, daddy...lol) He concluded from that response that she is most likely ok....haha. Since coming home he has reassured me about 10 times that it's not my fault and that she will be ok. Once again, I am reminded that she is in God's hands, and He is in charge of every step, every fall, every breath. He knows her every need....and even in this, there is no need for mom guilt to overtake me.

Still kinda dreading what that bruise will look like in the morning, not to mention all the people at church asking what happened...oh well, with this independent girl, it's bound to happen again. Might as well get used to it!

Choose Your Identity...

I just signed on to start working on a blog post, and found a post by a friend that I wanted to read first. When I went to leave a comment, there were these words: "Choose your identity". So really, it wasn't that deep, it was just asking me what name I wanted next to my comment, or if I wanted it to be anonymous. But it was perfect timing because I was going to title this post.....

"Who am I?"

 I am in a lot of different roles right now. Wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher, mother....the list goes on. I have spent a lot of time thinking of who I am in light of these titles. It's gotten to a point where if people disagree with how I do things, I take it personally. Because if all I am is a mom, and someone thinks I'm a bad one, then where does that leave me? Or if I don't measure up to the kind of wife I think Derrick wants me to be, then am I a total failure? I guess I would be, if those were my true definitions. Thankfully, there is only one role that matters and it is the only one that has nothing to do with my performance.

"I am a follower of Christ."

This blogging thing is starting to take shape!

.......I think. 

I have a plan, which is....to write about whatever I feel led to write about. So that's easy. 

I have a format, which is me writing and Derrick adding his thoughts, either all the time or just on whatever topic he feels led to share on. I'm really excited about this part, I think it's going to be fun to do this together!

I have a blog name but...I'm not satisfied with it. Based on what you know about us and the whole joint-blogging idea, what comes to mind? Something short and catchy would be great. :) 

I've also joined a few networks, and my next task is to start connecting with people, then start a FB page, get a Twitter account, and then share share share any blog post, article, photo, product, or idea that I think is awesome. :) The social media part should be easy since I already do some of that anyway! 

I have a lot of things I'm passionate about, and Derrick has a lot of the same passions. So I think we will make a good writing team. But where to start? Well, you'll find out soon....a very open and honest confession from me is coming up in the next day or two, followed by my co-writer's thoughts (which he hasn't let me read yet, so I'm waiting with anticipation!). Looking forward to this new adventure!

If you have tips for me, ideas, suggestions, I want to hear them all. :)

Milestones: Baby-led Weaning and a Toddler's First Pet

A lot has been going on around here lately! I can't believe how fast these children are growing and changing. When Chloe was a baby, I remember meeting a lady who had just had her third child. She said to me, "Kids are a time warp." I keep thinking about what she said as I've watched my life change so drastically in just 2 years. At this time in 2012, I was in New Momville, exhausted, overwhelmed, and completely obsessed with my newborn. Fast forward to last December, and I found myself a mom of a newborn yet again, except this time with an 18-month old in the mix. Two babies....18 months...whew. Now, here we are in June of 2014. I have this crazy beautiful, wonderful, enthusiastic 2-year old who talks in intelligible language about 90% of the time, and an amazing, strong, funny 6-month old who now sits on the floor and plays. By himself. I mean, I just took apart the Jumparoo because we don't use it with him anymore. What?

So, with every new phase comes new adventures. And since Chloe is obsessed with animals (I think that may be an understatement), we have been talking for a while about getting her a pet. But neither one of us are keen on having a high-maintenance critter. So, when a friend posted on Facebook the other day that she was looking for a home for a sweet little bunny, I thought, "This is perfect!" I think Derrick was surprised that I suggested it to him, because he always thought he'd be the one convincing ME to get a pet. But I knew how happy Chloe would be and that a rabbit would be easy to care for. So, long story short, we welcomed "Bunny Rabbit" (Chloe's term of endearment for her) to our family. :)

(Bunny was not harmed in the taking of these photos. :) )














And if this change wasn't big enough, Elijah decided he wanted to start eating food! I wanted to do "baby led weaning" with Chloe but I was too much of a whimp to give her anything but the mushiest of mushy food. So we did the puree thing and it was fine but, I wanted to go back to my original plan with Elijah, now that I am a braver mom. :) If you haven't read up on BLW, basically, it means just putting food in front of them in pieces they can hold in their hand and letting them play with it, smoosh it in their faces, lick it, throw it, whatever they want. If they swallow some, great, if not...no big deal. Very casual. We've started off with avocado, sweet potato, and banana. He liked avocado until he tasted the sweeter things, and now he doesn't like it as much. Crazy kid...craves sweets just like his momma. :) Here's the Baby Led Weaning website I used to get us started, but it really is just that simple. Messy, yes, but....it is more about the process and the experience than it is about actually eating right now. And I was one of those kids who hated getting my hands dirty so I'm trying to ignore that part of me and let him just dig in and get covered...that's what the bath tub is for, right?

His bib says, "Who put my cape on backwards?" hehe. And also, it did nothing to contain the mess...but like I said, I'm not gonna freak out over a little sweet potato on his clothes. :)

You don't need to put your leg behind me, Mama, I got this! 






These are just a few changes going on right now.....there are a lot of other things that I'll share in the near future! What is new and exciting with you all? :)

Being Ambitious

Hey everyone, I know it's been a long time since I've written on here! I guess I've just been a little bit busy um....being a mom!

So, I have a quick thought to run by whomever may read this. I'm thinking about becoming a blogger....like a real one, for a side job. But there are so many  different directions I could take this that the idea is a little daunting! I'm hoping for a little help deciding what my focus should be. I don't want to be just another natural, cloth diapering, homemade cleaners, real food recipes blog. Because there are like 50 million of those...but it would include those things, too. Thoughts?

My other thought is to just write about whatever I want and see where that takes me......

What Should Worship "Services" Look Like?

So I was just watching two different worship services on Roku...one was a college service and the other was a Sunday morning worship. Here's my random thought.....it's all so.....showy. Is that a word? ugh. Well, it fits whether it's a word or not. I am not a fan of the stage, microphones, rehearsing, performance, etc. I mean, I get WHY the church has moved more and more in that direction (want to be heard and seen easily, help teach new songs to congregation, etc), but I think it has become something other than that for a lot of worship leaders and musicians. I've been a part of a lot of worship teams and it was always about looking "worshipful" (which is what I saw in these videos today). I don't get it. If you look at it objectively, it kinda looks ridiculous. I have crazy stories, from being told how to dress in order to play music to being chewed out by a pastor for not playing "background music" behind his closing prayer to get people in a worshipful "mood". Too many other examples to list.....if it's about Jesus, make it about Him. Otherwise, don't call it a worship service. The end....of my thoughts, but feel free to share yours! :)

Elijah's Debut Story

As this was my first experience with homebirth, I wanted to make sure I documented this wonderful testimony of God’s faithfulness, love, and perfect timing. I know I will tell this story a hundred times and I’m not likely to forget it, but I still want it in writing, to share with others or to read over myself, and be reminded again and again of how God has blessed and cared for us. Now where do I begin? 

I found out this little bundle was arriving at the end of March. I somehow convinced myself I was further along than I was with Chloe, so when we settled on a due date of November 23rd, based on the EDD chart, I just told myself it would be sooner. We had also opted out of ultrasounds for this pregnancy, and so I never got that early “sneak peak”. But again, this didn’t matter to me because I was “sure” that this child was coming when I wanted him or her to come. Even though I have been pregnant before and know how unpredictable it can be, I still wanted to plan and be in control. And yet on the other hand, we made a very deliberate choice to be as natural as possible with this pregnancy and birth. We began seeing a wonderful midwife and planning a home water birth. We were thrilled to have an alternative to all of the invasiveness and “control” that the medical world offers. It has become so standard and normal, but we wanted to leave as much up to God as possible. It was a wonderful feeling. A very easy, laid back, and healthy pregnancy ensued. I really enjoy being pregnant and now I can say with confidence, after having two children, I would be overjoyed to do it all again! I also loved the anticipation and excitement that came along with not knowing the gender and now I know that from this point on, we will never “find out” before hand. It is just way too awesome of a feeling to experience right at the moment of birth, I never want to miss out on that again!

It only got tough towards the end, because as I said before, I did think my due date was a little off and that I would have this baby early. I am blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful group of women who have had lots of babies, most of which had come early, that I convinced myself I wanted to be part of the “early baby” club. I never really conversed with God about this but it was in my head and my heart, I would hit that lovely 37 week mark and then BOOM, the baby would appear and all would be right with the world! 

So God taught me a lesson, in both patience and trust. Each day that got closer to my due date, I started to feel like my body was less and less ready to give birth. The baby just seemed at home in there. I was still feeling great and active, so it wasn’t a huge deal. Then my due date came and went, and that’s when the agonizingly long days started. I began to realize that I had been right about my due date being a bit off, but just in the opposite direction. There had been signs, but I had ignored them because I had trusted in my own wisdom and understanding and “knew” how it would all play out. The “10 day overdue” mark arrived and on December 2nd, my midwife set up an ultrasound just to make sure all was well. I felt like each day was lasting a week and my mind was growing weary of all the questions (both from myself and others) and wondering. At this point, the ultrasound was the best thing that could have happened to me. Even though we wanted to avoid them, we know they can be very useful tools and this was one of those times where it was really helpful. So we took that LONG drive to Littleton (It felt very long, trust me), and I cried and prayed the whole way. I was convinced that this baby would never come out on its own. I was SURE that I’d end up having a hospital birth after all this time. Once again, I started telling God what was going to happen. I was terrified. And then the most beautiful thing happened…..that baby popped up on the screen in the ultrasound room and everything was….PERFECT. Not a single thing wrong. Absolutely normal. Not even showing signs of being “overdue”! That day, we left pretty convinced that the baby was right around 40 weeks. It was a moment of elation for me. I finally was able to let go of my fears and rest in the God who had created both me and the little wonder inside of me. He had orchestrated it all, and He would continue to do so. 

And, even after all that, there was still more waiting to do! But it didn’t seem quite so agonizing anymore. The ultrasound was on Monday, and after that I went about my week, stayed busy, and tried to keep up the routine as much as possible. Thankfully, I didn’t need to do this for long! On Wednesday I started feeling lousy and tired. Not labor yet, but just not myself. In the middle of the night (early Thursday morning), I started having regular contractions that lasted several hours...but they were only 10 minutes apart and not that strong, so when we got up that morning, we decided to do our regular thing. Derrick still went to work, and I still watched Evan (though I did send him home early so I could nap in the afternoon). I just didn’t want to get too excited if it was a false alarm. By the end of the school day, my contractions had slowed way down and weren’t very regular. Again, frustration set in. Would I really have to go through another day like this, waiting and wondering? Praise God for the answer to that question! My midwife came to check on me at 9 pm on Thursday and said I was 3 cm dilated, 100% effaced, and ready to go..just needed to dilate more. So she told me to try getting some sleep and see what happens. She left, and I did sleep for about an hour or so...until 11:30 pm and BAM! I woke straight up with a real contraction! I’ve never been so happy to feel pain in my life. 7 minutes later, another one! I got Derrick to wake up because I didn’t think it was fair for him to sleep if I couldn’t. :) This continued for a while, we even tried to sleep some more, but I would doze off between them and then wake up for every one. So eventually I gave up and tried to stay awake. At around 3:30, they were really in full gear, but STILL only 5-7 minutes apart! I thought it was going to be the longest labor of my life. So I asked Derrick to update my midwife and since we all thought there was still plenty of time, we didn’t ask her to rush out. She decided to come anyway and arrived by 5:00 am. I had just taken a shower (not easy with bad contractions, but it did feel great!) and was sitting on an exercise ball which is now my “favorite” laboring position, if there is such a thing! I was pretty comfortable and able to relax between contractions...but they were still like 5 minutes apart, and each one seemed to last such a long time. She checked on the baby and his heart rate was awesome. They set up all the birth things, got water boiling for sterilization, set up the tub for the water birth, and then were just going to lie down and rest a bit and wait for me to progress further. She offered to check me and I gladly accepted! I wanted to know how much longer this was going to take...I was really starting to hit that point of losing my resolve. And wow, was I surprised when she told me I had reached 8 centimeters! The end was in sight, and she wanted to get me in the tub. So they began filling it and getting it the right temperature while I sat back down on the ball to wait. Derrick even got the camera ready! :) Turns out, this little bundle, who had made me wait SO long for his arrival, decided to make a very sudden appearance! After about 2 more contractions, I realized that the sharp pain I was feeling was actually the baby’s head bearing down! So I decided to go with it instead of fighting it and, instantly, my water broke. At the time it was kind of shocking and startling to me and I said “Ow!” only because I had no other word to describe that feeling. So no one knew right away that was what happened, because I thought it was obvious and didn’t require an announcement. Derrick realized it quickly afterwards (because he was wet, haha) and then it became much more urgent to get me in the water. Praise God, it had just finished filling! I protested to moving, because I could feel the baby coming and didn’t think he’d stay in if I got up….so my midwife replied, “Well, then you’re going to birth this baby right here!” And instantly I remembered how MUCH I wanted a water birth and I gathered up the nerve to move (with lots of help, of course!). By the time I got comfortable, the next contraction hit and that was all it took. I don’t remember exactly how many pushes but, I can say with confidence that the entire delivery lasted 1-2 minutes. It was without a doubt, the most intense feeling I’ve ever experienced! I wouldn’t say it was agonizingly painful, but it was overwhelming, to the point where I am amazed I didn’t wake Chloe up with my wailing! And then there he was, in my arms, just as perfect as could be, all nice and cozy and warm in the water and both he and I were totally and instantly relaxed. It even took me a few seconds to ask his gender because, it truly wasn’t even my first thought when he arrived. All I could think of was how happy and overjoyed I was to be holding this amazing little person, who I had waited SOOO long to lay eyes on. I finally said, “Oh, what are you, I didn’t even look!” And of course, as most had suspected and guessed all along, he was a beautiful, strong, healthy, little boy. And I loved him instantly. 

So he arrived at 6:23 am. And even more great and wonderful things came afterwards. Like, only 10-15 minutes after he was born, I was walking to my couch, getting nice and comfortable and holding him. Soft worship music was coming from our tv, Derrick was right here with me, Chloe was still sleeping away upstairs, and the sun was just rising. What an incredible, glorious time to celebrate Elijah’s birth and God’s grace and mercy on us! I was just soaking in each and every wonderful minute as I began nursing him for the first time.. By around 8:30 am, Chloe was out of bed and sitting on the couch with me, watching while they did all the newborn checks, got him weighed and measured, put him in his first diaper (cloth of course!!), dressed him, swaddled him up and laid him back in my arms. And here we were, this new family of four, sitting together in our living room, just 2 hours after Elijah had come into the world! By that point, almost everything had been cleaned up, things looked pretty normal in our house, I was feeling amazing (definitely not like I had just given birth!) and by around 9:00-9:30, my midwife and her assistant left. We had the whole day to just quietly rest, enjoy new babyhood, and reflect on all that God had done. 

Turns out, Elijah probably was a few days “overdue”. We could tell by how super LONG his fingernails were and that most of the vernix babies are born with was already gone! But when we saw how healthy and strong he is, what a good eater and sleeper he is, we knew that God had once again proven Himself to be faithful and sovereign. And I had once again proven myself to be a worrier and untrusting. I have since repented of that and praise God for all that He has taught me through this wonderful experience. It’s still a battle for me to keep trusting Him daily, but I have to remember that He has carried me this far and will continue to do so throughout all of my days, and all of the days that I am caring for these beautiful children. There are probably a whole list of other reasons why Elijah’s birthday, December 6th, 2013, was the most perfect timing, but I won’t bore you with those details. In fact, I am sure I don’t even know all of the reasons why God chose that day, and I’m sure I never will! Elijah’s middle name is “Job”...I wanted this name because it is a reminder to me of all that Job went through and how when he questioned God, he was brought to his knees by the realization that God is completely sovereign, and does not owe any of us an explanation for anything He chooses to do. We can “wonder” all we want about His ways, but in the end, we have no right to question Him. He is our God, our Creator. We are His children, and we can rest in knowing that He will always do what is best. In every situation, no matter how we think things should go, He always knows infinitely more than we ever will. Someday, I will get to teach Elijah about how he got his middle name, and I pray that He will grow up trusting in His sovereign Father in heaven who loves him in a greater way than I could even fathom. Here is a passage in Psalms that brought me comfort as I anxiously awaited Elijah’s arrival, and I will always associate it with the lessons God taught me:

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength[b] of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28 But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.
Psalm 73:23-28