Esther's finally here! She is 8 days old and I still haven't written about her birth yet! I'm not sure why. I've had a lot of crazy emotions and thoughts surrounding her arrival and it's been difficult to process. But I'm ready, I think. :) I want to share her story and I also want to have this here to remember, once things start to get foggy and events begin to blur. Because that happens after four kids turn your brain into something that doesn't quite resemble what it used to be. OK, it's complete mush. haha.
I'm going to be honest here. When I found out I was pregnant, in December, I was actually a little sad. I cried a lot. Please don't get me wrong, I celebrated and valued this life more than my very own, from the second I knew she was there. But, it didn't happen on the timeline I was hoping for. I wanted a longer break between kids, and I wanted it to be after Derrick was done with grad school. He graduates in May of 2018. This just seemed like the WORST possible timing. She was due September 2nd, after he started his student teaching. Right when we were officially starting up preK/K with Elijah and Chloe. Right when I wanted to be doing so many things that didn't involve babies and post partum recovery. I could go on....
But God's voice was clear to me. This is "perfect" timing, because here she is, growing and arriving on the timetable that He had chosen. It felt more and more purposeful as my pregnancy went on, not because I had a plan but because I knew that God did. It took a while to sink in, but it finally did, especially when we found out we were having a girl. Chloe really wanted a sister, and I truly was rooting for a girl, too, though I would have loved a boy just as much. Deep in my heart, though, I had known she was a girl and she would be named Esther, because in the Bible, the story of Esther is about a woman who God put in just the right place at just the right time, to be used by Him for a great purpose. That's my girl, destined to arrive "for such a time as this". I don't completely know her purpose yet, but God does. She has already taught me so much about trusting in His timing and plan. We had so many unknowns surrounding her birth. She was my third homebirth, and I truly wanted to have her at home! But with unending construction work inside and outside of our apartment, all of which we had zero control over, I found myself needing to surrender on a daily basis. I had more than a few panic attacks, something that hadn't happened to me in years. But I finally realized that trying to figure it all out was not going to change a thing. There was construction equipment outside our building all week leading up to her birth, including the two days before. And it was ok. It really was. In the end, it didn't even matter to me. I realized that comfort is just that...a luxury. Not something I'm entitled to, and not something I'm guaranteed. Thankfully, they ended up working around us and staying away from our building for a day or two when she arrived. I was so grateful, but I truly didn't expect them to do that for us. It was a gift and a blessing to have peace and quiet the day she arrived, so we could rest and recover. But if it hadn't happened that way, that would have been ok, too. Women have babies in a lot more difficult situations than that...and they don't have the option of comfort. It really struck me that I was blessed to even have a clean, private, peaceful place to bring my child into the world...I have a new sense of appreciation for that, one that I will never forget.
OK, on to the actual arrival story. :) She was in no hurry, so of course my due date came and went. But by the next day, I knew it was imminent. For about 2 days off and on, I experienced early labor contractions. But they were not consistent and even though some were strong, they weren't doing anything. Then Tuesday morning I woke up with regular ones for a couple hours, so Derrick stayed home. I really thought I'd do early labor all day, it would pick up in the evening like it did with the last two, and I'd have her in the middle of the night. WELL, this girl decided to make things interesting. We got to 2 am Wednesday (the 6th), and I still didn't have contractions any closer than 10-15 minutes apart, and I was going crazy. I checked in with my midwife (for the millionth time...she is so patient!) and she told me she was coming over. It was then that I found out she knew I'd be in labor and had already driven to Berlin! I was so relieved! After about an hour of talking with her and evaluating the situation, she determined that Esther's head wasn't quite in the ideal position for dilation and I just needed to get that fixed. This just involved a simple laboring position during contractions. It was easy, just arching my back and leaning backwards during a contraction... and actually made them hurt less! Yay! Derrick and I went upstairs to try to get some sleep and she decided to stay to check on me again in a couple hours. I truly thought I'd fall asleep, and I accepted that this could go on for another day. I got comfortable, dozed off, and suddenly, the contractions got a LOT stronger and a LOT closer together. It was literally like flipping a switch. But poor Derrick couldn't stay awake after all these hours of early labor, so when I finally had real labor start, he was passed out! I couldn't get him to stir, even when I told him they were suddenly back to back and keeping me from being able to lie down, sit, or even walk. I'll never forget his words, while talking in his sleep..."Can't you just fight through it?" Oh man...he's so wonderful, I didn't even feel annoyed. I think I laughed at him, then just somehow got myself down the stairs and sat with my midwife for an hour or so. I felt so much better, now that labor was finally here for real. I was still talking in between contractions, and aware of my surroundings. Which is why I felt like I still was going to have all day! But around 5:15, I knew I had dilated a lot more and we decided it was time to set up the birth tub. It takes about 45 minutes to inflate and fill it, and I kept saying that I wasn't sure we'd have that long! So she set up a spot on the floor just in case I ended up delivering "on land". :) It was funny to me, because I love water birth, but this time I just kept thinking that I really didn't want to be in the tub. I don't know why, and I'm still not really sure. But when she got Derrick up and they got me into the water around 6 or 6:15, I realized right away that it just wasn't going to work. I couldn't get into a good position and I started feeling frustrated and overheated. At this point, the kids started waking up and Derrick needed to occupy them. He put a video on in Chloe and Elijah's room, gave them a box of cereal (yes they ate the whole thing) and they were totally content. Judah was still in his crib, blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. :) Derrick came back downstairs just in time to find that I had moved to the bathroom...and was kinda freaking out about not wanting to have her on the toilet! 😅It took both of them to get me back to the living room. I fell onto my knees and there was a baby! She was out in a matter of 5 seconds or less. I yelled pretty loudly and it was 7:08 am, so I'm pretty sure some neighbors heard me, but that's ok. She was out and crying! I was crying and praising God that it was over! It was a bit intense and probably my most difficult labor since Chloe, mostly because it felt SO long. But real active labor only lasted three hours! So I can't complain.
It ended up being so perfect...everything just fell into place. And the kids got to meet their baby sister when she was less than one hour old! Now here we are just over a week later and I feel like we've already begun to find a new normal. My recovery is going slower than I'd like it to, but I'm so happy to not have that huge belly anymore! I'm so overjoyed to be holding her in my arms. To watch her big sister hold and sing to her. To see all of the many people who loved her before she was born, hold and love on her. To feel the support of a wonderful community of friends and family who see children as a blessing and are doing so much to help us as we navigate through this newborn fog. We've had so much encouragement from so many. It's not easy, for sure! Four kids, ages 5 and under...that was definitely not in my plans, especially when we got married! Derrick said that if he told me when we were first together that we'd have four kids by now, I would have laughed at him. The truth is, I would have freaked out on him! I truly love children but I was terrified of the birth process. Now I want to be a doula. Life is funny and God has a sense of humor! Back in December, I was scared of the unknown. I wish my present self could go back and tell the 3-week-pregnant me that it was all going to be ok. Crazy at times, exhausting, overwhelming, but ok. Actually, much more than ok....absolutely beautiful. There's always beauty in the chaos, just gotta learn to look for it! Esther is my lesson on God's wonderful, crazy, beautiful, wild, overwhelming, chaotic, perfect timing. I'm incredibly thankful. I can't imagine life without her. She fits right in like a puzzle piece, one I didn't even know I was missing.
And that ends my WAY TOO LONG story! If you read this long, you must have really been bored and had nothing better to do! haha! Seriously though, thank you to all who have offered help and support in so many different ways. You are all part of this story as well. We love you all!
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