Finding a Way to Praise

 It was Wednesday afternoon. We were getting loaded up to leave for New Town to bring the kids to their practice for the FLL State Competition. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and they were excited to work on some new ideas and improve on how they performed at the qualifier.

I put the key in the ignition....nothing. Tried again....nothing. "Well, guys, I guess this isn't happening." I put my head on the steering wheel and let the tears fall. My desperate prayer was more of a complaint. "Why is there always so much stacked up against us, God? Why is life so HARD?"

Let me back up a week or so. After weeks of not really being around people at all, we finally got out of the house and enjoyed some time with people over the weekend. Two days later, we were dealing with yet another bug in the house. Elijah was miserably sick with a stomach bug. This is the fourth illness we have had in the house since Thanksgiving, and all of them have been back-to-back. I was hoping and praying it was just short-lived, but by Friday, we were still trying to decide if he should even attend the Lego Robotics competition. He just wasn't back to himself. Everyone else had experienced mild symptoms and it was still life as usual. But he wasn't bouncing back. I agonized over it, but we finally decided he should go. I was going to stay home with Eliyanah and drive over the next day, just to keep from having to pack up ALL her equipment, supplements, etc. Friday night, Elijah was still sick at the hotel. But Saturday morning, had a miraculous recovery and was fine all day. I, however, started feeling extra exhausted and not my best. I decided, reluctantly, that I needed to stay home and not try to drive over there by myself. It was a heart breaking decision, since I have been coaching for the past few years and did not want to miss anything! I was thrilled that they did so well, but felt defeated as a mom that I couldn't be there for them. 

Saturday night, Esther woke up shaking. I thought it was just maybe she got jolted out of a sound sleep, but instinct told me she was probably coming down with a fever. I realized when we put her back to bed that I was actually feeling shaky, too. By Sunday morning, we realized that both Esther and I were coming down with what Elijah had. I'm so glad he was back to himself, because we needed his energy to help with all the things around the house! Oh, and did I mention Sunday was the day we needed to pick up the puppy? Yep. 

Derrick left with the boys, and Chloe stayed home to take care of me, Esther, and Eliyanah. She is such an amazing young woman. Sunday night, I was as sick as ever, so we had new puppy, sick mommy, and Derrick trying to take care of all of the things, including feeding the healthy ones. It was extreme chaos and I wondered if maybe we had made the wrong decision to add another pet to our already stressful and overwhelming life.  

Monday, though Esther was much better, I turned out to be very weak and exhausted. Derrick stayed home because I could barely even get out of bed, let alone take care of Ely. We thought I was on the mend, but we were wrong. By Monday night, I was much worse and ended up being awake all night long. I truly thought I might end up needing to go to the hospital. Nursing a baby and losing fluids, all while being unable to eat, was taking its toll. Derrick stayed up all night with me, trying to figure out how to help. We prayed. We pleaded with God to heal my body. It was a long, long night. By God's great mercy, Ely slept through the night for the first time in a while, which gave me a break from nursing. And shortly before the kids got up on Tuesday morning, I finally got to a point where I could keep water down and sleep. Again, Derrick had to stay home because I was even weaker than before and could not stay awake. 

Tuesday was a day of healing. God had answered our prayers and I was getting hydrated and building strength. All while being able to still feed Ely enough to keep her hydrated. This is nothing short of miraculous, as sick as I had been all night long. Finally, Derrick could go back to work! 

Wednesday morning, I was still so weak and exhausted, but was determined to get out of the house. The kids needed me to get them to their practice. Honestly, I wasn't well enough and should have been in bed, but Derrick needs the little sick time he has left after all the struggles we have had over the past year and I needed to tough it out. I prayed. I got protein into me and lots of water. The kids did everything to pack up the van, all while taking care of the dog completely on their own. They have been AMAZING with this! I am so impressed with their ability to step up. They know I don't have time to take care of him, so they have done all the potty training, all the walking, all the feeding. They were definitely ready for this! It was for sure a good decision. He is therapeutic for all seven of us and has adapted really well to our routine. 

We were a few minutes late, but were finally ready to go. I was even finally going to bring some work to the church to catch up on bookkeeping that I am so far behind on thanks to....well, everything! And then....Click. Click. Nothing.

Yep. Back to the present.

The kids sat there in silence with me, listening to me cry. I heard Esther sniffle and I could feel her shaking a little while she was hugging me. She was crying, too. Chloe was rubbing my shoulder, and Judah was looking on sweetly. I went back to my prayer, "Why can't we ever just have a break? Why has life been so impossible for over a year now? Not one moment to breathe!"

Elijah broke the silence. 

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday."

He had found Derrick's Bible tucked into the side pocket of the door and had randomly opened it. It fell on Psalm 91, and he said it just seemed to fit, so he started reading it. He didn't even know it's one of my favorite Psalms. Of course I cried more tears. And God's voice broke through all the noise my heart and said, "Don't miss this. I want you to see this. Yes there's struggle, sickness, missed plans, broken vehicles. But guess what. Right now your 10-year-old son is consoling you by reading Scripture. Is there anything better than that, in the whole world? Does anything else matter more than the spiritual health of your children?" 

Of course, He already knew that I knew the answer. Given the choice, I will always choose eternal value over temporary. My children know Jesus. They love Him. They have experienced His goodness. They have had to wrestle with a lot of doubt, grief, fear, and hurt over many things over the past year and a half, as we were already wrestling with some painful things that were out of our control even before Eliyanah was born. It has matured them in ways I never imagined possible. They are strong. They have a fierce faith and a deep understanding of God's Word. They are a force to be reckoned with against the Enemy. They are God's Kids, and it brings me peace and joy that I can't even describe. 

 "Well, I guess God wants us home today!" I said, letting go of my sadness and deciding to embrace our circumstances. Let's go for a walk, it's gorgeous outside. And it really was. It was over 50 degrees and sunny! We all went for a walk together (a slow one, since I was still recovering), and just talked about all sorts of things and laughed together. I forgot about the van. I honestly couldn't have cared less about it at that moment. I knew we'd figure it out.

Derrick came home and attempted to jump start the van, just to rule out the simple solution of the battery needing a charge. It would not even turn over after trying for a while, so he gave up and we decided to call around to mechanics in the morning. Yesterday, I began calling around and our local shop told me it would not be fixed until the end of next week. I decided to call around in Minot and quickly learned that it would be even longer than that. So I started the tow truck claim and continued on with our day. A few minutes later I got a call from who I believe is quite possibly an angel sent from heaven.

I had shed a few tears that morning thinking about how it used to be when we lived near family and had car troubles. We would have not had to get a tow truck and find a mechanic, because usually Derrick's dad would come by and help him figure it out and they would go get the parts and fix it together. That seems like a lifetime ago. However, in these years since we have lived without our families nearby, I have learned a greater and deeper dependence on our great and loving God. He is our Father. He cares, He understands, and He knows our needs before we do. I have seen Him provide for us time and time again when we have had no one to call on. He has increased my faith and proven to me that I need only to rest in Him and trust that He is good and He has a perfect plan. 

When the tow truck driver (I wish I knew his name!) showed up, he immediately asked me what was wrong with it and tried to start it. He said, "Oh it's just the battery." Just like that. I told him that we had tried to jump it, but he said that he was going to try anyway. He grabbed his fancy charger box thing (yeah I don't know much about this stuff) and hooked it up. The van started instantly. I'm standing there in disbelief and he's chuckling. Normally I'd be embarrassed and feeling dumb, but truthfully, I didn't even care that it was our mistake. I have been completely overwhelmed with life, and so has Derrick. We are allowed to not be on top of our game in every area! 😅 What we didn't realize is that the battery was SO dead, Derrick's little car plus our less than fancy jumper cables were just not enough to get it going. Because I had been sick, we had not driven the van in nearly a week. I discovered that two interior lights had been left on and the doors had been unlocked. Rookie (or kid) mistakes, I know. But again, I don't really care. Laugh at us all you want, I am just happy our van is running! 

What really struck me about this man was his kindness. I love all my North Dakotan friends, so please don't get me wrong if you are one (because this is also something I love about midwesterners), but some of y'all can be kind of blunt at times, and it's hard for this sensitive, exhausted, overwhelmed New Englander to always know how to handle it. lol. He wasn't like that at all. He gently explained to me why our attempt at jumping it didn't work and patiently waited while I figured out if I still wanted him to tow it. He told me that he's worked with cars for 40+ years and that he likes to take the time to educate people. I thought back to my sadness from earlier that day and realized God had sent me the exact right person. Someone who cared, was gentle, smiled, listened, and didn't judge me for not knowing better. He didn't send me a family member or friend, He did something even better. He sent me a stranger. So that I would know without a doubt this was all God. When he left, I teared up and thank him and told him how we had been praying for a simple solution. He just grinned, shook my hand, and said he was happy to help. 

(For all of you smart mechanically-minded people, yes I drove it down to the shop while it was still running to get the battery load-tested and the alternator tested, too. It was all perfectly fine! Shut it off and started it again, left it running for a LONG time, and started it again a few times later just to be sure. We are still good!)

Now here I am, at the end of the week, in big time reflection mode. The question still swirls in my mind occasionally. "Why IS God allowing one struggle after another in our family right now?" I don't know the full answer, maybe I never will. It seems like things have just been HARD since August of 2022 when I found out I was pregnant with Eliyanah. Sickness, major car troubles, terrible weather, no heat during extreme cold, and this was all before she was born and we knew that our life was starting a brand new chapter we never saw coming. Since then, it's been recovery, processing, doctors, therapy, and so many questions about the future. OH, and also car troubles, sickness, and extreme cold (we had heat this time, though! lol). I could wallow in this land of self-pity where it's all about me and how hard or easy my life is. But what is the point in that? I think we all have a tendency to want to do that when things aren't going the way we would like, and I get it. Sometimes it does seem unfair. Sometimes we look around us and it feels like everyone is having an easier time than we are. We all like to be comfortable and truthfully, I have not been comfortable for a long time. With this in mind,    I return to Psalm 91:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him..." (vs. 14-15a)

The answer to my question is not to look at my circumstances, but to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. To keep holding on to Him and not letting go. What is more important. A comfortable life, or a life of growing closer to the God who made us and loves us? What will matter at the end of our lives? These are hard questions, but the only ones that matter. I once heard a pastor say, and I am paraphrasing here, but basically, imagine you go to church and Jesus is there. He gives you one of two choices. You can choose an easy and carefree life, but in the end, you will not be close to Him or really know Him at all. OR, you can choose the pain, the suffering, the struggle, and through it all, you will be rewarded with a deeper relationship than you could have ever experienced otherwise. You will know Him in ways you never thought possible. You will have strong faith and trust and know He is with you every step of the way.

I used to think that was a hard choice. I don't anymore. I want to be close to my Father in heaven. I want to rely on Him to get me through every moment, every second of the day. I want to know Him as well as I possibly can this side of heaven. And as I've walked a road I never expected to walk, I have found a million little mercies and blessings along the way. It's like a rocky, thorny path surrounded by beautiful, sweet-smelling flowers, refreshing streams, thick green grass to rest in, and fruit trees and berries to your heart's content. This is because Someone already walked this road before us. He carried the weight of this world on his shoulders so that it wouldn't crush us. We still have to live in it, but we get to experience the joy of knowing we are not alone. We are loved, cared for, and every single one of our needs are met. Nothing is a surprise to Him. He makes sure we are provided for, so that we can rest and even enjoy the journey, no matter how hard it gets. And, really, what would a good adventure be without struggle? Pretty boring, I'd say.

I will choose this every day over an easy life. Always. 

I'll leave you with my new life anthem. What is even more special about it is that Rend Collective played this song when we saw them in August of 2022, a week before I found out I was pregnant. It was a new song to me, but I had no idea the meaning it was going to hold in my life. 

Lamentations 3:21-24 - "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."