Friday, August 24, 2018
Moving to ND - Part Two
Tuesday, July 31st
A tough day. Saying good bye to Allison was something we were both dreading. It was hard, especially after all we had been through together in the past few days! It had brought us even closer together, and the kids also felt closer to her. I woke up at 3 am, and was feeling really ill. The exhaustion and the stress was catching up to me! I thought perhaps maybe I had caught whatever the kids had, but after about an hour, I started to feel better. Again, I think it was just extreme nerves and stress! I told her as we were parting ways that my body was giving out on me. She just encouraged me, told me I could do this, we'd be ok and we'd get there! Even though she was so sad, she still gave me that little boost I needed. She and Matt left for the airport and Derrick and I packed up the kiddos. I think we left by about 4:30 am. The kids all stayed asleep for the first couple hours of the trip, thankfully. I think they were pretty tired out from playing all day with their MN friends! :) I will admit, I was very nervous about driving out of the city, but I knew that once I got out of Minneapolis, it would be pretty easy driving. Derrick was so patient with me and willing to stop whenever I needed. But as we headed west through MN and I watched the sun rise, I just knew everything was going to be ok. God was speaking peace and comfort into my soul. All of the worship songs on the radio were about facing fears and being confident in His strength. I felt my fear and anxiety melt away. And...it was strikingly beautiful to watch the sun rise. We just drove on and on, and eventually there was very little traffic. Just wide open spaces and a giant blue sky. We arrived in Fargo, ND at some point in the morning. Finally! We had made it to North Dakota! Still about 5 hours left, but no more state lines to cross, and very little highway driving left. After our exit off the highway, things got a little difficult only because we were VERY tired and it was just farmland as far as the eye could see. It was lovely....and relaxing...but a little TOO relaxing! I was falling asleep! Staying awake was truly painful. And once we crossed into North Dakota, we found the coffee to be not nearly strong enough...so that didn't help at all. haha. We finally made it to a beautiful little town called Carrington. We stopped there to eat lunch and found a cute park for the kids to play at. It was really lovely and it felt so nice after driving for hours and not seeing a single town! I didn't want to rush, but Derrick reminded me that we still had a few hours to go, and still needed to meet with our property manager and get into our house. We also planned to unload the truck that same afternoon. So...sigh...ok. I got myself moving again. As we got closer to New Town, though, my excitement grew and that gave me a little bit of adrenaline! I was recognizing names of towns after all the research I had done! This was getting real! And then.....
CONSTRUCTION.
Ugh.
So we sat completely stopped on the road for quite a while, I'm going to guess it was about 20-30 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Especially since we were so close!! I was literally throwing food into the back seat for the kids, who were HUNGRY and not too happy that we were stopped. Thank the Lord for our built-in DVD player, it was truly a life saver! But I rolled the windows down and the prairie was just stunning. Grass blowing around in the breeze, everything had this totally different feel than anything I had ever experienced. I felt truly thrilled and excited. Traffic finally got moving, and we finally got close to New Town! Driving into this area was breathtaking! One part of it that isn't all that pretty is seeing all the oil rigs everywhere. There are a lot! But there was something intriguing about them, just so big and powerful and always moving! Kind of mesmerizing like windmills are. And we saw plenty of those, too! But suddenly we were looking out over Lake Sakakawea as we drove into New Town. Just amazing. It is like being at the ocean, because the water goes as far as the eye can see. At this point I was truly excited. I was crying tears of joy and relief. I couldn't even chat with Derrick because my walkie-talkie had died. So I just talked to God and thanked Him for getting us here! We got into town and I just wanted to hurry up and stop so I could hug Derrick and cry! But....no time for that. We hit the ground running. We found out the moment we got here that our water had not yet been turned on, so we had to go set up our account with the city. And of course pay a nice hefty deposit. lol. So once we did that, we got to the house. I was a bit disappointed to find that "done" meant only on the inside. There were no porches built yet for any of the three entrances, our driveway cement had just been poured and didn't look driveable yet, and there was dirt all around, no grass. I was wondering at that point whether I should laugh or cry, after all the construction at Brookside and being excited to have all of that behind us! I don't think I did either one...I just kept telling myself it was ok and we would figure it out. The beauty of it all was that because of Brookside, I knew how this stuff all works and I wasn't bothered by it for very long! They were still putting a lock on the door on our only entrance with temporary stairs, the electrician was doing some work, and there was no water. hmmm. We walked around the house and were truly excited as we knew it would be awesome once we got settled! But, it had not been cleaned at all and the floors were dirty and have no carpeting (which is fine, but not great for sleeping on which is what we planned to do for the first night). While we were contemplating what to do, we were told that Derrick needed to go to the school to meet his boss. So, we left and headed to the school. Still really not having time to breathe, eat, go to the bathroom, etc. I took the kids to a small park by the school while Derrick went inside. I was getting a crash course in realizing that it was time to be ready to do things on my own with four kiddos! Thankfully he was not gone long, and we went back to the house only to discover that the water was still not turned on and they were still finishing up work there. So, I said, "Honey, this is great, but...we need water and beds. We need to find a hotel." We reluctantly called our property manager, Cheyenne, who is really very sweet and kind, and asked her for recommendations on where to stay. (Side note, she is the first person we met when we got here, and she was very welcoming, gave us church suggestions and was very supportive about us homeschooling as she had homeschooled kiddos as well! The next person we met was the guy working on our door. He had also homeschooled when his kids were young, and told us that it seemed like we were being led out here! More confirmation, and at just the right time, too! OK, back to the story. lol) There is a GREAT hotel right here in town and they got us right into a room, with a teacher discount! We didn't know if the school would reimburse us or not, but we knew we were too tired to do anything else, and the children needed a place with water and beds to relax and sleep. It was really perfect. They had great breakfast there too, which was pretty exciting! (And the school did end up reimbursing us with no hesitation!)
Wednesday, August 1st
We ended up staying there for two nights, because we had some difficulty figuring out how to get the water turned on (I think there was a main beneath the house that we weren't able to get to and there was some miscommunication about getting it turned on.) But by the end of the second day, it was on! This meant we had plenty of time to unload the truck, get our stuff kind of settled, and clean up in here a bit before living here.
Wednesday morning, we ended up having LOTS of help unloading the truck! We thought it was just going to be Derrick and me, and mostly Derrick as I had the two littles who needed my full attention. Because we had no back deck yet, he was able to back the truck right up to the back patio doors and unload from there! Which was kind of perfect! But he was still alone, and there were heavy items. Just as I was planning to leave the little ones in their car seats so I could help him, a group of 4 school employees showed up to help! They are here from the Philippines to work at the school, and were sent over by the superintendent to help. They were so sweet and kind and really took a liking to the kids! Then a lady who also works at the school, someone I met on Facebook before we got here, came with a group of kids who also helped! She also brought us a meal! We were just so blessed. I went back out to the car to get the kids unbuckled, and by the time I made it back in the house, everything was off the truck. It really went that quickly!
Well, this story isn't over! There is still so much happening daily. It's hard to keep track of the days now, as we have been here for over three weeks! It's a little bit difficult to put into words all that we have experienced, felt, and learned. I have posted a lot of the highlights on Facebook, but it isn't all fun and games. We are in the midst of a big adjustment. Daylight starts and ends later here, so we have had to adjust bedtimes. I'm trying to settle into housework, routine, chores, prepare for school, and in the middle of that we still have yet to finish unpacking! We have grocery shopping to figure out, online ordering, connections to make, etc etc etc. It feels exhausting and never ending. Derrick has a lot on his shoulders, but he is doing an amazing job and we are so proud of him. He had a week and a half of training before school started, which means we had to put some of our exploring and unpacking on the back burner. We didn't have internet for the first two weeks, so that also delayed some of our plans. But everything will eventually fall into place. We are trying to take one day at a time, and for me, sometimes it's just a minute at a time. Or an hour at a time. Sometimes I really miss my people. Sometimes the kids really miss their people. And other times we are all doing just fine! It's a bit of a roller coaster. I told Derrick recently that I believe God allowed all that craziness on the trip so that whenever we feel discouraged here, or like we are a bit lost, we can look back on all that happened and know with 100% certainty that it is GOD who brought us here and we are exactly where He wants us to be.
A few things I want to add about all that happened. First of all, NO one else got sick but three of my kids. Not any of the Howry family who were all there when Chloe got sick, none of Jen's family even though we definitely germed-up their house, no one we were around before we left, and not Judah, Derrick, Allison, or me. Even though were were all SERIOUSLY exposed to any germs that were possibly there. Call me crazy if you wish, but I think something bigger was going on than a possible bug. I think it was a spiritual battle, or a test....and it was crazy but I think it made us all tougher and stronger. And maybe that was the only point. Either way, I'm glad it did not spread to anyone else!
The other thing I wanted to mention here as a testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness, as well as our gratitude, is the way we were supported financially by so many for our trip. This was humbling and overwhelming, in the best sense of those words. We felt truly honored that folks who we love dearly, and who love us dearly, chose to give of themselves in such a generous way, to help us take this huge step as a family. We truly could not have done it without you. As always with things like this, we had some unexpected expenses for the trip, both beforehand with vehicle trouble, and upon arrival with electric and water security deposits! The school also reimbursed us a little less than we thought for the cost of moving expenses. But it didn't matter! We were blessed immensely by our loved ones and it all worked out perfectly. God has prepared the way for us. He told me several months ago when I was sitting at my computer looking at pictures of New Town, that we were going to live here. I knew then that when God speaks like that, I had better listen and watch to see what He is going to do! It has been painful, amazing, overwhelming, exciting, nerve-wracking, and everything else you can think of! But as I said before, the story is not over, it has really just begun. I plan to revive this blog and update you all on what is going on with us. We are feeling more and more led to connect with people right here in our community, and we have already taken steps to do just that. We will continue to follow His lead and see where He takes us! I just hope He doesn't lead us in the path of any rattlesnakes....LOL!
In all seriousness, I can't thank you all enough for the many ways that God used you, our dear friends and family, to get us here. From prayer, to encouragement, to financial support, to cleaning and packing and loading and childcare and letting us stay in your home...even getting in the car with us and driving us here...you have all played a part in this story. And many of you still are! You are staying in touch with us and praying for us. Sending me encouragement and chatting with the kids. All of these things help so much. To all who have done these and more...THANK YOU. From the very bottom of our hearts. We love you all!!!
More to come soon....from the ND prairie! In the meantime, I'll leave you with a You Tube link to a Rich Mullins song that tugged at my heart when we first learned of this job opportunity. Please give it a listen and will also add the lyrics here. And I am also sharing here a verse that my dear friend Erin reminded me of when we were first making the decision. God is good and faithful! There are no mistakes or coincidences with Him!
"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:19
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaNwTYJrYtA
Calling Out Your Name Well the moon moved past Nebraska And spilled laughter on them cold Dakota Hills And angels danced on Jacob's stairs Yeah they danced on Jacob's stairs There is this silence in the Badlands And over Kansas the whole universe was stilled By the whisper of a prayer The whisper of a prayer And the single hawk bursts into flight And in the east the whole horizon is in flames Chorus: I feel thunder in the sky I see the sky about to rain And I hear the prairies calling out Your name I can feel the earth tremble Beneath the rumbling of the buffalo hooves And the fury in the pheasant's wings And there's fury in a pheasant's wings It tells me the Lord is in His temple And there is still a faith that can make the mountains move And a love that can make the heavens ring And I've seen love make heaven ring Where the sacred rivers meet Beneath the shadow of the Keeper of the plains Repeat chorus From the place where morning gathers You can look sometimes forever 'til you see What time may never know What time may never know How the Lord takes by its corners this old world And shakes us forward and shakes us free To run wild with the hope To run wild with the hope The hope that this thirst will not last long That it will soon drown in the song not sung in vain Repeat Chorus And I know this thirst will not last long That it will soon drown in the song not sung in vain I feel thunder in the sky I see the sky about to rain And with the prairies I am calling out Your name
Thursday, August 23, 2018
The Move to North Dakota! - Part 1
This move has been the most exciting and challenging experience of my life thus far. This includes my childhood, going to college, moving to PA, moving back to NH, getting married, travelling to South America, having 4 kids, selling a house and moving, living with little to no income for 3 years, etc! Of all those things, this has been by far the most difficult, and also the most amazing time in my life and in my relationship with God.
He has shown me so much. I feel like I am a new person and also like everything in the last week has just been a dream. He has carried me through it.
There have been times where I have felt like I was floating, and I know it is because He and His angels have been lifting me up and helping me each step of the way.
I'm going to try to document each day, as best as I can remember, because it really is one for the record books. I felt like a movie was happening to me, like
a real life version of "The Truman Show", except it was all God and I know He was doing it to prepare me and show me so many wonderful things about Himself and about
what He wants for me. He is so good.
Wednesday - July 25th
This day was packing craziness. It was the day we cleaned out the entire upstairs, and my wonderful friend Michelle spent the morning with me helping me wash, dust, and vacuum. She is truly a blessing! I felt so thankful. I don't think I've ever had anyone come help me clean my house before! And it was so hot that day, too! Her sweet daughter Gwen played with Esther and the older three were at my friend Melissa's house playing with her kiddos one last time. It was beautiful. We finished
up and had a fellowship night at the church for people to come and say farewells and pray with and for us! I just felt the love in that room, it was such a comforting thing and also confirmation for me that we were on the right track. So much support, and yes also tears shed...but mostly optimism, support, and enthusiasm. I was uplifted and encouraged by a few specific people who made sure to pull me aside and speak life to me. I am so thankful. Looking back, there were many people throughout the process who spoke words of faith and hope and encouragement to me. Words that I should have been telling myself, but I felt so drained and weak. I think I was surviving on these words, that came through them but really from God. It was like He was filling up a tank of faith for me, and I'd be needing it many times over the next several days! I know that God got us here, but He sure did use so many people to help with that!
Thursday - July 26th
The kids slept over at their grandparents and we got an early start to get the Uhaul. Our plans were held up a little when we discovered that the van was stalling while idling! Yikes! I freaked out on Derrick. My first words were, "Well we're not moving now!" :o But God just kept reminding me over and over that He is in this and He is going to get us there. And to just wait and watch Him work! We were able to get the Uhaul, and some amazing guys showed up and loaded it SO quickly! I was a little overwhelmed because of how fast it all went, but once again God reminded me to just relax and go with the flow. It all worked out and we almost fit everything! We only had to leave a few things behind. I was so thankful! After seeing that 15' truck (which is really 12.5' in case anyone ever rents one lol), I did not think everything would fit...but it did!
Then we had to get the van into the shop. We learned that it was just a part that needed to be replaced, but we could not get it done until Friday. We decided to leave the van there, but we still needed a vehicle. Allison loaned us her van until it was fixed, which was such a blessing! I just remember being so overwhelmed and stressed Thursday night. It was like I could barely breathe or even speak. Allison showed up with her van and Jen came with her to give her a ride back home. I was a wreck. Allison helped get our stuff switched over and Jen came inside. She immediately recognized how upset I was about all that still needed to be done, and shooed me out the door. There was so much left to do in the apartment! Cleaning, packing, it was just crazy. Allison got me into the van and had me sit there in the a/c listening to a worship song. I just sat there and cried tears of sadness and gratitude. I felt like God had sent angels to minister to me. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching all at the same time. Those ladies are precious. Pure gold. I miss them so much already.
We left to have dinner with our dear friends, the Holts, and Derrick and the kids stayed there overnight. I still had much to do so I came back to the apartment, got Esther to bed, and got
to work. But I had come back to a precious surprise! Jen, Allison, and Michelle had come and cleaned the downstairs for us! The place looked great! I still had more packing to do, but at least now I could see it coming together. Feeling overwhelmed again, but ready. Another dear friend, neighbor, and sister, Renee, came over to encourage me and she just kept reminding me of truth over and over. Again, I felt like an empty tank that was being filled up! I couldn't remind myself of these truths and I needed others to feed them to me. I felt like their words and prayers just carried me. I worked for a couple more hours and then went to bed. But I did not sleep much at all! I laid down and my brain seemed to get more awake. I spent hours just trying to relax. Anxiety is no joke, and pre-moving anxiety is even worse. Praise God, He got me through that long night!
Friday - July 27th
The big day, the day before our trip. Grabbed Derrick and the kids, and we headed back to the apartment to finish up. We decided to take the truck to Gorham and then come back later to get the rest of our few things. Driving out of Brookside with the truck was something I will never forget. It was deeply emotional for me. I truly love that place and the people in it like family. When we moved in there, I never thought I'd see it as "home", but I truly did. I still get choked up thinking about how two of my babies were born there, and about all the many walks to the office I took with the kiddos! Especially when Chloe and Elijah were the only ones. It was so beautiful there in the fall, we had so many pretty leaves all around us. And a little stream running through it. It really felt like such a privilege to be there! We dropped Chloe off at her drama rehearsal and headed to Allison's to eat lunch and rest. I was so tired and had a headache but still could not relax. I kept thinking about the van, and about the things I had wanted to do that I now didn't have time for, and I just was a mess. I must have asked Derrick 20 times if he had heard back about the van yet! lol. After Chloe's play (which was super cute and sweet and she was amazing!!), I noticed she was starting to not act like herself. I thought maybe it was because she was overtired, anticipating change and feeling sad. But my observation was quickly forgotten, because at the same time, we also learned that the van was fixed! Hallelujah! We grabbed it and then went back to Brookside to grab our last few things and say our goodbyes. By this point we were all weary of these "goodbyes" that had been happening all week. It's important to have that time with everyone but it got to a point where we were all just feeling extremely drained. We got to Derrick's parents to have one more dinner with them, and Chloe began to definitely act unwell. A short time later, she vomited all over her grandparents' floor! Poor Chloe...poor everyone...it was no fun at all. I was a nervous wreck already, so this just put me over the top. I couldn't believe this was happening less than 12 hours before we were supposed to leave! Chloe perked up after that, so I chalked it up to nerves and sadness. She really was having a hard time with the idea of leaving, and I know I had been feeling nauseous about it myself!
After we left, we headed to Jen's for a few hours of sleep before our planned leaving time of 2 am. When we got there, Chloe started feeling yucky again, and then....Elijah started vomiting! At this point I was basically just in shock. I thought we were going to have to postpone the trip. I thought we would never make it to ND. I thought we'd have to give up. I was just crying out to God to heal
them and to fix this...and He just keeps saying, "I told you to go there, I'm going to get you there, just watch Me work." We were up most of the night with Elijah, and then...Esther joined the crowd! I am not making this up, but I wish I was! We were just in disbelief. We decided that if no one got sick for 2 whole hours, we'd leave around 4 am. Well, just when we decided that it had been two hours and we were going to get up to shower, Elijah got sick again! Finally we just decided we just needed to keep going and trust God. Like stepping out of the boat and keeping our eyes on Him, we just went through the motions of getting ready. Through all this, thank the LORD that Jen ended up staying at the house with us that night. That was a change of plans, and it was a perfect one. I needed her more than I knew. She was so calm, so relaxed, and so amazing. Again, an angel ministering to me and my children! When it was time to try to leave, I was feeling ill myself, but it was just from extreme nerves and anxiety. She sat with me and talked me through it, fed me some crackers and encouraged me to push through. She said, "I already thought God had big plans for you in ND but now I KNOW He does!" I don't think I would have gotten through that night if it weren't for her calming
presence. She was just amazing. I have told Allison a few times that we would never have made it to ND without her willingness to drive...and I also think that without Jen's help, I would never have even left! ;)
We finally got on the road at almost 5 am. Three hours behind schedule, but it didn't matter. The journey had begun.
Saturday - July 28th
Poor Elijah was sick most of the day. It was just one of those things that I couldn't even believe was happening. I kept telling Allison that I couldn't believe the things I was saying. Like the kinds of things you never want to say as a mom. "Please use the bag so your clothes don't get dirty!" "Just soak it up with a towel and we'll clean you up soon." Crazy, right? (And gross, I know.) But what else could I do, we had deadlines to meet, so we really couldn't delay the trip. And rest is really what they all needed anyway, which they got lots of! I was calm, strangely calm and I know it was the Holy Spirit because otherwise I would have been losing it! OK I did have a couple of breakdowns, but overall, we got through. We had LOTS of bags, lots of towels, a few clothes changes, and we made lots of stops! Allison did most of the driving because my nerves were shot. I have driving anxiety issues and I was nervous. I also hadn't slept for the previous two nights! I did finally drive for the last few hours of the day and in spite of Elijah getting sick one more time and one little panic attack (me, not Elijah lol), we still got to Ohio in 16 hours. I feel like that, in and of itself, was a miracle! Three sick kiddos, one grumpy toddler, and we still got there by bed time. Elijah was starting to feel better and had kept everything down for a few hours. We had a snack, got the kids bathed, got some decent sleep at the hotel, and set off again around 4:30 am the next morning!
Sunday - July 29th
Somewhere along the way I began to finally realize that if things happen that aren't according to our plans, it's because God has a better one. I just felt like every "hiccup" was actually Him working. I feel like a totally different person now as I realize that there are no mistakes with God. It is actually comforting to have Him lead and guide in such tangible ways, even if it's drastically different from how I want things to go! Being a Sunday, and assuming there would be less traffic, we were going to continue on our route straight through Chicago, but Derrick ended up grabbing the directions that took us around the city. I believe this was God's plan all along. At one of the stops, Allison noticed that the a/c wasn't running because it said it was protecting the engine. We knew the engine was fine so we decided to keep going. The a/c was working and the engine was not overheating. At the next stop, the van wouldn't start a couple of times, and when it finally did, it still had the a/c issue. Allison continued on driving and we just prayed a lot and trusted God to get us there. We knew this was the vehicle He had chosen to take us there and that He would not fail us. Even when the engine temperature gauge stopped working and it kept saying the engine was cold, we ignored it and pressed on. We drove through some beautiful places. Wisconsin was just surprisingly lovely. I've never seen it before and wish I had time to explore more! I did drive through part of it but all the exhaustion from the past week was catching up to me and I was so sleepy! I should also mention that Derrick drove the ENTIRE way all by himself...but Allison also drove at least 90% of the way from NH to MN! They are both rockstars and I'm so incredibly grateful! Allison is my best friend, she is the last person who wanted us to go, but she was the first person to tell me that this move is what God wanted and
that it is going to be an adventure. She's also the one who willingly drove us across the country to make this a reality. I told her when we got to MN that I owe her a move back to NH in a few years! Lol! We shall see...
As we got closer to Minneapolis, our stop for two nights, the engine gauge problem got increasingly worse. We hit traffic in the city because of construction, and at that moment, Derrick informed us that the Uhaul was almost out of gas. We knew we were close to our exit but weren't sure how far, so we wanted to stop right away. I prayed us through construction, praying that we wouldn't be idling long and that we could make it to a gas station. It was at this point that the van started acting up even worse. We were idling and it was revving all by itself! Then coming close to stalling! We were in the MIDDLE of Minneapolis, in heavy traffic. I just kept praying. Allison tried to act calm, she actually did a very good job. I didn't realize how scared she was until we got to Matt and Erin's! I kept saying, "OK God,You said You'll get us there, please get us there!" And we did. We got off the exit, which ended up being the wrong exit because we missed the correct one...but when we stopped for gas, we realized we weren't too far off course, thankfully! We hit mostly green lights and didn't have to idle much at all. We got to their house and parked. I told Allison, "You're done! You are done driving!" She was so worn and pushed to the max. I am so grateful for what she had to go through to get us that far. It was intense and exhausting and scary and emotional. But we got to MN in TWO DAYS folks. And no one had felt sick all day. The second day was an hour longer of driving and even with car issues, exhaustion, and getting a little lost... we still made it in 16 hours!
Monday - July 30th
We joked that some of the rest stops in Wisconsin were called "Oasis" but they didn't feel much like one! They were busy and congested, hard to park and also the rest area itself was in a walkway that went over the highway. Yep, that means using the bathroom in the air over traffic! lol! But arriving at the Hernicks' felt like a true oasis. It was the PERFECT rest we needed from a long trip. To be with dear friends, letting the children play, and getting a full night's sleep just made all the difference in the world. Matt helped Derrick figure out car issues and Erin helped us keep the children entertained. They also provided us with delicious, nourishing meals while we were there, and food for the last leg of the trip! I should also point out that they were just as welcoming even after learning that the children had been sick! Erin said, "We will welcome you, germs and all!" What a blessing of a friend she is. Derrick had figured out the part we needed (a temperature gauge sensor) and bought it for $20. He was going to put the part in himself, but it seemed more complicated than he anticipated so we started looking around at mechanics. The first quote he got was for $500!!! We were discussing that we may as well just not bother to fix it and pray it would get there. We talked about how we might have to just rent a vehicle and just then Matt said, "renting would probably cost you more than $500!" For some reason that struck a chord with me and I suggested that maybe we should just get it fixed. Derrick said he really wanted me to feel comfortable driving the van since he knows how nervous I get. Then they discussed calling another mechanic who they had already tried once with no answer. I had walked away from the table at this point to pray. Derrick called that mechanic and he was quoted $70-$100! He took it in right away and it was done in less than 2 hours. He told us later that this mechanic had sympathized with us being in the middle of a cross-country trip, because had done the same in the past, with vehicle problems. He wasn't accepting any more customers that day, because he was so busy, but he took us in, in spite of the fact that he really did not have time for it! And he only charged us $70! I know he was another person God placed along the way, to show us that He was with us. Renee had told me before we left that we may have some "Divine appointments" along the way, and she was right. I did not get to meet this mechanic but I wish I could have hugged him! haha.
For the rest of the day at Matt & Erin's, we had sweet fellowship, worship time with the kids, outside play and early bedtime for the kiddos. Which meant the grownups got to have a secret ice cream party before we also turned in for the night! We all had to be up around 3 am. Matt was taking Allison to the airport, and we were getting the vehicles loaded up for the last leg. Venturing out on our own, just the six of us.
He has shown me so much. I feel like I am a new person and also like everything in the last week has just been a dream. He has carried me through it.
There have been times where I have felt like I was floating, and I know it is because He and His angels have been lifting me up and helping me each step of the way.
I'm going to try to document each day, as best as I can remember, because it really is one for the record books. I felt like a movie was happening to me, like
a real life version of "The Truman Show", except it was all God and I know He was doing it to prepare me and show me so many wonderful things about Himself and about
what He wants for me. He is so good.
Wednesday - July 25th
This day was packing craziness. It was the day we cleaned out the entire upstairs, and my wonderful friend Michelle spent the morning with me helping me wash, dust, and vacuum. She is truly a blessing! I felt so thankful. I don't think I've ever had anyone come help me clean my house before! And it was so hot that day, too! Her sweet daughter Gwen played with Esther and the older three were at my friend Melissa's house playing with her kiddos one last time. It was beautiful. We finished
up and had a fellowship night at the church for people to come and say farewells and pray with and for us! I just felt the love in that room, it was such a comforting thing and also confirmation for me that we were on the right track. So much support, and yes also tears shed...but mostly optimism, support, and enthusiasm. I was uplifted and encouraged by a few specific people who made sure to pull me aside and speak life to me. I am so thankful. Looking back, there were many people throughout the process who spoke words of faith and hope and encouragement to me. Words that I should have been telling myself, but I felt so drained and weak. I think I was surviving on these words, that came through them but really from God. It was like He was filling up a tank of faith for me, and I'd be needing it many times over the next several days! I know that God got us here, but He sure did use so many people to help with that!
Thursday - July 26th
The kids slept over at their grandparents and we got an early start to get the Uhaul. Our plans were held up a little when we discovered that the van was stalling while idling! Yikes! I freaked out on Derrick. My first words were, "Well we're not moving now!" :o But God just kept reminding me over and over that He is in this and He is going to get us there. And to just wait and watch Him work! We were able to get the Uhaul, and some amazing guys showed up and loaded it SO quickly! I was a little overwhelmed because of how fast it all went, but once again God reminded me to just relax and go with the flow. It all worked out and we almost fit everything! We only had to leave a few things behind. I was so thankful! After seeing that 15' truck (which is really 12.5' in case anyone ever rents one lol), I did not think everything would fit...but it did!
Then we had to get the van into the shop. We learned that it was just a part that needed to be replaced, but we could not get it done until Friday. We decided to leave the van there, but we still needed a vehicle. Allison loaned us her van until it was fixed, which was such a blessing! I just remember being so overwhelmed and stressed Thursday night. It was like I could barely breathe or even speak. Allison showed up with her van and Jen came with her to give her a ride back home. I was a wreck. Allison helped get our stuff switched over and Jen came inside. She immediately recognized how upset I was about all that still needed to be done, and shooed me out the door. There was so much left to do in the apartment! Cleaning, packing, it was just crazy. Allison got me into the van and had me sit there in the a/c listening to a worship song. I just sat there and cried tears of sadness and gratitude. I felt like God had sent angels to minister to me. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching all at the same time. Those ladies are precious. Pure gold. I miss them so much already.
We left to have dinner with our dear friends, the Holts, and Derrick and the kids stayed there overnight. I still had much to do so I came back to the apartment, got Esther to bed, and got
to work. But I had come back to a precious surprise! Jen, Allison, and Michelle had come and cleaned the downstairs for us! The place looked great! I still had more packing to do, but at least now I could see it coming together. Feeling overwhelmed again, but ready. Another dear friend, neighbor, and sister, Renee, came over to encourage me and she just kept reminding me of truth over and over. Again, I felt like an empty tank that was being filled up! I couldn't remind myself of these truths and I needed others to feed them to me. I felt like their words and prayers just carried me. I worked for a couple more hours and then went to bed. But I did not sleep much at all! I laid down and my brain seemed to get more awake. I spent hours just trying to relax. Anxiety is no joke, and pre-moving anxiety is even worse. Praise God, He got me through that long night!
Friday - July 27th
The big day, the day before our trip. Grabbed Derrick and the kids, and we headed back to the apartment to finish up. We decided to take the truck to Gorham and then come back later to get the rest of our few things. Driving out of Brookside with the truck was something I will never forget. It was deeply emotional for me. I truly love that place and the people in it like family. When we moved in there, I never thought I'd see it as "home", but I truly did. I still get choked up thinking about how two of my babies were born there, and about all the many walks to the office I took with the kiddos! Especially when Chloe and Elijah were the only ones. It was so beautiful there in the fall, we had so many pretty leaves all around us. And a little stream running through it. It really felt like such a privilege to be there! We dropped Chloe off at her drama rehearsal and headed to Allison's to eat lunch and rest. I was so tired and had a headache but still could not relax. I kept thinking about the van, and about the things I had wanted to do that I now didn't have time for, and I just was a mess. I must have asked Derrick 20 times if he had heard back about the van yet! lol. After Chloe's play (which was super cute and sweet and she was amazing!!), I noticed she was starting to not act like herself. I thought maybe it was because she was overtired, anticipating change and feeling sad. But my observation was quickly forgotten, because at the same time, we also learned that the van was fixed! Hallelujah! We grabbed it and then went back to Brookside to grab our last few things and say our goodbyes. By this point we were all weary of these "goodbyes" that had been happening all week. It's important to have that time with everyone but it got to a point where we were all just feeling extremely drained. We got to Derrick's parents to have one more dinner with them, and Chloe began to definitely act unwell. A short time later, she vomited all over her grandparents' floor! Poor Chloe...poor everyone...it was no fun at all. I was a nervous wreck already, so this just put me over the top. I couldn't believe this was happening less than 12 hours before we were supposed to leave! Chloe perked up after that, so I chalked it up to nerves and sadness. She really was having a hard time with the idea of leaving, and I know I had been feeling nauseous about it myself!
After we left, we headed to Jen's for a few hours of sleep before our planned leaving time of 2 am. When we got there, Chloe started feeling yucky again, and then....Elijah started vomiting! At this point I was basically just in shock. I thought we were going to have to postpone the trip. I thought we would never make it to ND. I thought we'd have to give up. I was just crying out to God to heal
them and to fix this...and He just keeps saying, "I told you to go there, I'm going to get you there, just watch Me work." We were up most of the night with Elijah, and then...Esther joined the crowd! I am not making this up, but I wish I was! We were just in disbelief. We decided that if no one got sick for 2 whole hours, we'd leave around 4 am. Well, just when we decided that it had been two hours and we were going to get up to shower, Elijah got sick again! Finally we just decided we just needed to keep going and trust God. Like stepping out of the boat and keeping our eyes on Him, we just went through the motions of getting ready. Through all this, thank the LORD that Jen ended up staying at the house with us that night. That was a change of plans, and it was a perfect one. I needed her more than I knew. She was so calm, so relaxed, and so amazing. Again, an angel ministering to me and my children! When it was time to try to leave, I was feeling ill myself, but it was just from extreme nerves and anxiety. She sat with me and talked me through it, fed me some crackers and encouraged me to push through. She said, "I already thought God had big plans for you in ND but now I KNOW He does!" I don't think I would have gotten through that night if it weren't for her calming
presence. She was just amazing. I have told Allison a few times that we would never have made it to ND without her willingness to drive...and I also think that without Jen's help, I would never have even left! ;)
We finally got on the road at almost 5 am. Three hours behind schedule, but it didn't matter. The journey had begun.
Saturday - July 28th
Poor Elijah was sick most of the day. It was just one of those things that I couldn't even believe was happening. I kept telling Allison that I couldn't believe the things I was saying. Like the kinds of things you never want to say as a mom. "Please use the bag so your clothes don't get dirty!" "Just soak it up with a towel and we'll clean you up soon." Crazy, right? (And gross, I know.) But what else could I do, we had deadlines to meet, so we really couldn't delay the trip. And rest is really what they all needed anyway, which they got lots of! I was calm, strangely calm and I know it was the Holy Spirit because otherwise I would have been losing it! OK I did have a couple of breakdowns, but overall, we got through. We had LOTS of bags, lots of towels, a few clothes changes, and we made lots of stops! Allison did most of the driving because my nerves were shot. I have driving anxiety issues and I was nervous. I also hadn't slept for the previous two nights! I did finally drive for the last few hours of the day and in spite of Elijah getting sick one more time and one little panic attack (me, not Elijah lol), we still got to Ohio in 16 hours. I feel like that, in and of itself, was a miracle! Three sick kiddos, one grumpy toddler, and we still got there by bed time. Elijah was starting to feel better and had kept everything down for a few hours. We had a snack, got the kids bathed, got some decent sleep at the hotel, and set off again around 4:30 am the next morning!
Sunday - July 29th
Somewhere along the way I began to finally realize that if things happen that aren't according to our plans, it's because God has a better one. I just felt like every "hiccup" was actually Him working. I feel like a totally different person now as I realize that there are no mistakes with God. It is actually comforting to have Him lead and guide in such tangible ways, even if it's drastically different from how I want things to go! Being a Sunday, and assuming there would be less traffic, we were going to continue on our route straight through Chicago, but Derrick ended up grabbing the directions that took us around the city. I believe this was God's plan all along. At one of the stops, Allison noticed that the a/c wasn't running because it said it was protecting the engine. We knew the engine was fine so we decided to keep going. The a/c was working and the engine was not overheating. At the next stop, the van wouldn't start a couple of times, and when it finally did, it still had the a/c issue. Allison continued on driving and we just prayed a lot and trusted God to get us there. We knew this was the vehicle He had chosen to take us there and that He would not fail us. Even when the engine temperature gauge stopped working and it kept saying the engine was cold, we ignored it and pressed on. We drove through some beautiful places. Wisconsin was just surprisingly lovely. I've never seen it before and wish I had time to explore more! I did drive through part of it but all the exhaustion from the past week was catching up to me and I was so sleepy! I should also mention that Derrick drove the ENTIRE way all by himself...but Allison also drove at least 90% of the way from NH to MN! They are both rockstars and I'm so incredibly grateful! Allison is my best friend, she is the last person who wanted us to go, but she was the first person to tell me that this move is what God wanted and
that it is going to be an adventure. She's also the one who willingly drove us across the country to make this a reality. I told her when we got to MN that I owe her a move back to NH in a few years! Lol! We shall see...
As we got closer to Minneapolis, our stop for two nights, the engine gauge problem got increasingly worse. We hit traffic in the city because of construction, and at that moment, Derrick informed us that the Uhaul was almost out of gas. We knew we were close to our exit but weren't sure how far, so we wanted to stop right away. I prayed us through construction, praying that we wouldn't be idling long and that we could make it to a gas station. It was at this point that the van started acting up even worse. We were idling and it was revving all by itself! Then coming close to stalling! We were in the MIDDLE of Minneapolis, in heavy traffic. I just kept praying. Allison tried to act calm, she actually did a very good job. I didn't realize how scared she was until we got to Matt and Erin's! I kept saying, "OK God,You said You'll get us there, please get us there!" And we did. We got off the exit, which ended up being the wrong exit because we missed the correct one...but when we stopped for gas, we realized we weren't too far off course, thankfully! We hit mostly green lights and didn't have to idle much at all. We got to their house and parked. I told Allison, "You're done! You are done driving!" She was so worn and pushed to the max. I am so grateful for what she had to go through to get us that far. It was intense and exhausting and scary and emotional. But we got to MN in TWO DAYS folks. And no one had felt sick all day. The second day was an hour longer of driving and even with car issues, exhaustion, and getting a little lost... we still made it in 16 hours!
Monday - July 30th
We joked that some of the rest stops in Wisconsin were called "Oasis" but they didn't feel much like one! They were busy and congested, hard to park and also the rest area itself was in a walkway that went over the highway. Yep, that means using the bathroom in the air over traffic! lol! But arriving at the Hernicks' felt like a true oasis. It was the PERFECT rest we needed from a long trip. To be with dear friends, letting the children play, and getting a full night's sleep just made all the difference in the world. Matt helped Derrick figure out car issues and Erin helped us keep the children entertained. They also provided us with delicious, nourishing meals while we were there, and food for the last leg of the trip! I should also point out that they were just as welcoming even after learning that the children had been sick! Erin said, "We will welcome you, germs and all!" What a blessing of a friend she is. Derrick had figured out the part we needed (a temperature gauge sensor) and bought it for $20. He was going to put the part in himself, but it seemed more complicated than he anticipated so we started looking around at mechanics. The first quote he got was for $500!!! We were discussing that we may as well just not bother to fix it and pray it would get there. We talked about how we might have to just rent a vehicle and just then Matt said, "renting would probably cost you more than $500!" For some reason that struck a chord with me and I suggested that maybe we should just get it fixed. Derrick said he really wanted me to feel comfortable driving the van since he knows how nervous I get. Then they discussed calling another mechanic who they had already tried once with no answer. I had walked away from the table at this point to pray. Derrick called that mechanic and he was quoted $70-$100! He took it in right away and it was done in less than 2 hours. He told us later that this mechanic had sympathized with us being in the middle of a cross-country trip, because had done the same in the past, with vehicle problems. He wasn't accepting any more customers that day, because he was so busy, but he took us in, in spite of the fact that he really did not have time for it! And he only charged us $70! I know he was another person God placed along the way, to show us that He was with us. Renee had told me before we left that we may have some "Divine appointments" along the way, and she was right. I did not get to meet this mechanic but I wish I could have hugged him! haha.
For the rest of the day at Matt & Erin's, we had sweet fellowship, worship time with the kids, outside play and early bedtime for the kiddos. Which meant the grownups got to have a secret ice cream party before we also turned in for the night! We all had to be up around 3 am. Matt was taking Allison to the airport, and we were getting the vehicles loaded up for the last leg. Venturing out on our own, just the six of us.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Esther Joy Howry - September 6, 2017
Esther's finally here! She is 8 days old and I still haven't written about her birth yet! I'm not sure why. I've had a lot of crazy emotions and thoughts surrounding her arrival and it's been difficult to process. But I'm ready, I think. :) I want to share her story and I also want to have this here to remember, once things start to get foggy and events begin to blur. Because that happens after four kids turn your brain into something that doesn't quite resemble what it used to be. OK, it's complete mush. haha.
I'm going to be honest here. When I found out I was pregnant, in December, I was actually a little sad. I cried a lot. Please don't get me wrong, I celebrated and valued this life more than my very own, from the second I knew she was there. But, it didn't happen on the timeline I was hoping for. I wanted a longer break between kids, and I wanted it to be after Derrick was done with grad school. He graduates in May of 2018. This just seemed like the WORST possible timing. She was due September 2nd, after he started his student teaching. Right when we were officially starting up preK/K with Elijah and Chloe. Right when I wanted to be doing so many things that didn't involve babies and post partum recovery. I could go on....
But God's voice was clear to me. This is "perfect" timing, because here she is, growing and arriving on the timetable that He had chosen. It felt more and more purposeful as my pregnancy went on, not because I had a plan but because I knew that God did. It took a while to sink in, but it finally did, especially when we found out we were having a girl. Chloe really wanted a sister, and I truly was rooting for a girl, too, though I would have loved a boy just as much. Deep in my heart, though, I had known she was a girl and she would be named Esther, because in the Bible, the story of Esther is about a woman who God put in just the right place at just the right time, to be used by Him for a great purpose. That's my girl, destined to arrive "for such a time as this". I don't completely know her purpose yet, but God does. She has already taught me so much about trusting in His timing and plan. We had so many unknowns surrounding her birth. She was my third homebirth, and I truly wanted to have her at home! But with unending construction work inside and outside of our apartment, all of which we had zero control over, I found myself needing to surrender on a daily basis. I had more than a few panic attacks, something that hadn't happened to me in years. But I finally realized that trying to figure it all out was not going to change a thing. There was construction equipment outside our building all week leading up to her birth, including the two days before. And it was ok. It really was. In the end, it didn't even matter to me. I realized that comfort is just that...a luxury. Not something I'm entitled to, and not something I'm guaranteed. Thankfully, they ended up working around us and staying away from our building for a day or two when she arrived. I was so grateful, but I truly didn't expect them to do that for us. It was a gift and a blessing to have peace and quiet the day she arrived, so we could rest and recover. But if it hadn't happened that way, that would have been ok, too. Women have babies in a lot more difficult situations than that...and they don't have the option of comfort. It really struck me that I was blessed to even have a clean, private, peaceful place to bring my child into the world...I have a new sense of appreciation for that, one that I will never forget.
OK, on to the actual arrival story. :) She was in no hurry, so of course my due date came and went. But by the next day, I knew it was imminent. For about 2 days off and on, I experienced early labor contractions. But they were not consistent and even though some were strong, they weren't doing anything. Then Tuesday morning I woke up with regular ones for a couple hours, so Derrick stayed home. I really thought I'd do early labor all day, it would pick up in the evening like it did with the last two, and I'd have her in the middle of the night. WELL, this girl decided to make things interesting. We got to 2 am Wednesday (the 6th), and I still didn't have contractions any closer than 10-15 minutes apart, and I was going crazy. I checked in with my midwife (for the millionth time...she is so patient!) and she told me she was coming over. It was then that I found out she knew I'd be in labor and had already driven to Berlin! I was so relieved! After about an hour of talking with her and evaluating the situation, she determined that Esther's head wasn't quite in the ideal position for dilation and I just needed to get that fixed. This just involved a simple laboring position during contractions. It was easy, just arching my back and leaning backwards during a contraction... and actually made them hurt less! Yay! Derrick and I went upstairs to try to get some sleep and she decided to stay to check on me again in a couple hours. I truly thought I'd fall asleep, and I accepted that this could go on for another day. I got comfortable, dozed off, and suddenly, the contractions got a LOT stronger and a LOT closer together. It was literally like flipping a switch. But poor Derrick couldn't stay awake after all these hours of early labor, so when I finally had real labor start, he was passed out! I couldn't get him to stir, even when I told him they were suddenly back to back and keeping me from being able to lie down, sit, or even walk. I'll never forget his words, while talking in his sleep..."Can't you just fight through it?" Oh man...he's so wonderful, I didn't even feel annoyed. I think I laughed at him, then just somehow got myself down the stairs and sat with my midwife for an hour or so. I felt so much better, now that labor was finally here for real. I was still talking in between contractions, and aware of my surroundings. Which is why I felt like I still was going to have all day! But around 5:15, I knew I had dilated a lot more and we decided it was time to set up the birth tub. It takes about 45 minutes to inflate and fill it, and I kept saying that I wasn't sure we'd have that long! So she set up a spot on the floor just in case I ended up delivering "on land". :) It was funny to me, because I love water birth, but this time I just kept thinking that I really didn't want to be in the tub. I don't know why, and I'm still not really sure. But when she got Derrick up and they got me into the water around 6 or 6:15, I realized right away that it just wasn't going to work. I couldn't get into a good position and I started feeling frustrated and overheated. At this point, the kids started waking up and Derrick needed to occupy them. He put a video on in Chloe and Elijah's room, gave them a box of cereal (yes they ate the whole thing) and they were totally content. Judah was still in his crib, blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. :) Derrick came back downstairs just in time to find that I had moved to the bathroom...and was kinda freaking out about not wanting to have her on the toilet! 😅It took both of them to get me back to the living room. I fell onto my knees and there was a baby! She was out in a matter of 5 seconds or less. I yelled pretty loudly and it was 7:08 am, so I'm pretty sure some neighbors heard me, but that's ok. She was out and crying! I was crying and praising God that it was over! It was a bit intense and probably my most difficult labor since Chloe, mostly because it felt SO long. But real active labor only lasted three hours! So I can't complain.
It ended up being so perfect...everything just fell into place. And the kids got to meet their baby sister when she was less than one hour old! Now here we are just over a week later and I feel like we've already begun to find a new normal. My recovery is going slower than I'd like it to, but I'm so happy to not have that huge belly anymore! I'm so overjoyed to be holding her in my arms. To watch her big sister hold and sing to her. To see all of the many people who loved her before she was born, hold and love on her. To feel the support of a wonderful community of friends and family who see children as a blessing and are doing so much to help us as we navigate through this newborn fog. We've had so much encouragement from so many. It's not easy, for sure! Four kids, ages 5 and under...that was definitely not in my plans, especially when we got married! Derrick said that if he told me when we were first together that we'd have four kids by now, I would have laughed at him. The truth is, I would have freaked out on him! I truly love children but I was terrified of the birth process. Now I want to be a doula. Life is funny and God has a sense of humor! Back in December, I was scared of the unknown. I wish my present self could go back and tell the 3-week-pregnant me that it was all going to be ok. Crazy at times, exhausting, overwhelming, but ok. Actually, much more than ok....absolutely beautiful. There's always beauty in the chaos, just gotta learn to look for it! Esther is my lesson on God's wonderful, crazy, beautiful, wild, overwhelming, chaotic, perfect timing. I'm incredibly thankful. I can't imagine life without her. She fits right in like a puzzle piece, one I didn't even know I was missing.
And that ends my WAY TOO LONG story! If you read this long, you must have really been bored and had nothing better to do! haha! Seriously though, thank you to all who have offered help and support in so many different ways. You are all part of this story as well. We love you all!
I'm going to be honest here. When I found out I was pregnant, in December, I was actually a little sad. I cried a lot. Please don't get me wrong, I celebrated and valued this life more than my very own, from the second I knew she was there. But, it didn't happen on the timeline I was hoping for. I wanted a longer break between kids, and I wanted it to be after Derrick was done with grad school. He graduates in May of 2018. This just seemed like the WORST possible timing. She was due September 2nd, after he started his student teaching. Right when we were officially starting up preK/K with Elijah and Chloe. Right when I wanted to be doing so many things that didn't involve babies and post partum recovery. I could go on....
But God's voice was clear to me. This is "perfect" timing, because here she is, growing and arriving on the timetable that He had chosen. It felt more and more purposeful as my pregnancy went on, not because I had a plan but because I knew that God did. It took a while to sink in, but it finally did, especially when we found out we were having a girl. Chloe really wanted a sister, and I truly was rooting for a girl, too, though I would have loved a boy just as much. Deep in my heart, though, I had known she was a girl and she would be named Esther, because in the Bible, the story of Esther is about a woman who God put in just the right place at just the right time, to be used by Him for a great purpose. That's my girl, destined to arrive "for such a time as this". I don't completely know her purpose yet, but God does. She has already taught me so much about trusting in His timing and plan. We had so many unknowns surrounding her birth. She was my third homebirth, and I truly wanted to have her at home! But with unending construction work inside and outside of our apartment, all of which we had zero control over, I found myself needing to surrender on a daily basis. I had more than a few panic attacks, something that hadn't happened to me in years. But I finally realized that trying to figure it all out was not going to change a thing. There was construction equipment outside our building all week leading up to her birth, including the two days before. And it was ok. It really was. In the end, it didn't even matter to me. I realized that comfort is just that...a luxury. Not something I'm entitled to, and not something I'm guaranteed. Thankfully, they ended up working around us and staying away from our building for a day or two when she arrived. I was so grateful, but I truly didn't expect them to do that for us. It was a gift and a blessing to have peace and quiet the day she arrived, so we could rest and recover. But if it hadn't happened that way, that would have been ok, too. Women have babies in a lot more difficult situations than that...and they don't have the option of comfort. It really struck me that I was blessed to even have a clean, private, peaceful place to bring my child into the world...I have a new sense of appreciation for that, one that I will never forget.
OK, on to the actual arrival story. :) She was in no hurry, so of course my due date came and went. But by the next day, I knew it was imminent. For about 2 days off and on, I experienced early labor contractions. But they were not consistent and even though some were strong, they weren't doing anything. Then Tuesday morning I woke up with regular ones for a couple hours, so Derrick stayed home. I really thought I'd do early labor all day, it would pick up in the evening like it did with the last two, and I'd have her in the middle of the night. WELL, this girl decided to make things interesting. We got to 2 am Wednesday (the 6th), and I still didn't have contractions any closer than 10-15 minutes apart, and I was going crazy. I checked in with my midwife (for the millionth time...she is so patient!) and she told me she was coming over. It was then that I found out she knew I'd be in labor and had already driven to Berlin! I was so relieved! After about an hour of talking with her and evaluating the situation, she determined that Esther's head wasn't quite in the ideal position for dilation and I just needed to get that fixed. This just involved a simple laboring position during contractions. It was easy, just arching my back and leaning backwards during a contraction... and actually made them hurt less! Yay! Derrick and I went upstairs to try to get some sleep and she decided to stay to check on me again in a couple hours. I truly thought I'd fall asleep, and I accepted that this could go on for another day. I got comfortable, dozed off, and suddenly, the contractions got a LOT stronger and a LOT closer together. It was literally like flipping a switch. But poor Derrick couldn't stay awake after all these hours of early labor, so when I finally had real labor start, he was passed out! I couldn't get him to stir, even when I told him they were suddenly back to back and keeping me from being able to lie down, sit, or even walk. I'll never forget his words, while talking in his sleep..."Can't you just fight through it?" Oh man...he's so wonderful, I didn't even feel annoyed. I think I laughed at him, then just somehow got myself down the stairs and sat with my midwife for an hour or so. I felt so much better, now that labor was finally here for real. I was still talking in between contractions, and aware of my surroundings. Which is why I felt like I still was going to have all day! But around 5:15, I knew I had dilated a lot more and we decided it was time to set up the birth tub. It takes about 45 minutes to inflate and fill it, and I kept saying that I wasn't sure we'd have that long! So she set up a spot on the floor just in case I ended up delivering "on land". :) It was funny to me, because I love water birth, but this time I just kept thinking that I really didn't want to be in the tub. I don't know why, and I'm still not really sure. But when she got Derrick up and they got me into the water around 6 or 6:15, I realized right away that it just wasn't going to work. I couldn't get into a good position and I started feeling frustrated and overheated. At this point, the kids started waking up and Derrick needed to occupy them. He put a video on in Chloe and Elijah's room, gave them a box of cereal (yes they ate the whole thing) and they were totally content. Judah was still in his crib, blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. :) Derrick came back downstairs just in time to find that I had moved to the bathroom...and was kinda freaking out about not wanting to have her on the toilet! 😅It took both of them to get me back to the living room. I fell onto my knees and there was a baby! She was out in a matter of 5 seconds or less. I yelled pretty loudly and it was 7:08 am, so I'm pretty sure some neighbors heard me, but that's ok. She was out and crying! I was crying and praising God that it was over! It was a bit intense and probably my most difficult labor since Chloe, mostly because it felt SO long. But real active labor only lasted three hours! So I can't complain.
It ended up being so perfect...everything just fell into place. And the kids got to meet their baby sister when she was less than one hour old! Now here we are just over a week later and I feel like we've already begun to find a new normal. My recovery is going slower than I'd like it to, but I'm so happy to not have that huge belly anymore! I'm so overjoyed to be holding her in my arms. To watch her big sister hold and sing to her. To see all of the many people who loved her before she was born, hold and love on her. To feel the support of a wonderful community of friends and family who see children as a blessing and are doing so much to help us as we navigate through this newborn fog. We've had so much encouragement from so many. It's not easy, for sure! Four kids, ages 5 and under...that was definitely not in my plans, especially when we got married! Derrick said that if he told me when we were first together that we'd have four kids by now, I would have laughed at him. The truth is, I would have freaked out on him! I truly love children but I was terrified of the birth process. Now I want to be a doula. Life is funny and God has a sense of humor! Back in December, I was scared of the unknown. I wish my present self could go back and tell the 3-week-pregnant me that it was all going to be ok. Crazy at times, exhausting, overwhelming, but ok. Actually, much more than ok....absolutely beautiful. There's always beauty in the chaos, just gotta learn to look for it! Esther is my lesson on God's wonderful, crazy, beautiful, wild, overwhelming, chaotic, perfect timing. I'm incredibly thankful. I can't imagine life without her. She fits right in like a puzzle piece, one I didn't even know I was missing.
And that ends my WAY TOO LONG story! If you read this long, you must have really been bored and had nothing better to do! haha! Seriously though, thank you to all who have offered help and support in so many different ways. You are all part of this story as well. We love you all!
Deep Conversations with my 5-year-old
I think Chloe is well beyond her years in the way she views the world. It's like she reads my mind sometimes and when I explain something to her, she just gets it. I really don't need to simplify things or leave things out..she just grasps big concepts and with such grace. Today was no exception.
In the car today we got onto the subject of countries that do not allow Christianity. We have talked about this before, a few times, so it's not a new concept to her. We talked about how in some countries, people go to jail for being Christians. I explained that this is not a reality in our country, but it is for many other people. She got to thinking and had some fears that this could happen to us. She said, "Mom, if that ever happened to us, and we had to go to jail, would you help me to be brave and trust in God?" My heart ached at these words, because although I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be a reality as long as we live in the US, I can't promise her that it will never happen. But I didn't say anything about that. Her little heart doesn't need big fears that may or may not come true someday. What I did say is, "Chloe, if that ever happened to us, I am pretty sure that you are the one who would be helping Mommy be brave. You are such a brave girl, and you trust in God already."
"Yeah, I would! I'd help you and Daddy be brave and I'd help my brothers, too."
This is heavy on my heart as I was just reflecting with Derrick last night....I feel that we are too comfortable in this country. I've felt it for a long time, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I told him that I don't want to subject our children to the dangers of living in a country that doesn't allow Christianity, but at the same time, places like that are full of Christians who are on FIRE for Christ, who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the word out and are even ready to die for what they believe. It's real. The Church is active and alive in these places. Because there is no middle ground. You either love Christ or you don't. Here in America, we are so easily able to live "in between". We don't have to commit fully. We can do our Sunday thing and go about our lives as if God doesn't even exist. It bothers me a lot...we do really try to fill our home with truth by discussing, reading, and studying the Bible daily. We talk about the things God is teaching us and we pray together. But sometimes we are still so distracted by the comfort and ease of this temporary life. I want more for us as a family, and I want more for my children as they grow. Some may think, would you really want your kids to live such a dangerous life? I don't know. I mean, of course I don't want to go through suffering, no one does! But I'd venture to say that this "comfortable" life in America can be far more dangerous than a life lived in a place that is hostile towards Christians. Because at least there, it would be real, and alive, and meaningful. I really feel that where we are now has the potential to be much more destructive to the soul...and in the end, when we are facing eternity, what kind of safety matters more? Our physical bodies? Or the condition of our souls? As Jesus said, we don't need to be afraid of those who can kill the body...rather we should be much more concerned with our eternal existence.
In the car today we got onto the subject of countries that do not allow Christianity. We have talked about this before, a few times, so it's not a new concept to her. We talked about how in some countries, people go to jail for being Christians. I explained that this is not a reality in our country, but it is for many other people. She got to thinking and had some fears that this could happen to us. She said, "Mom, if that ever happened to us, and we had to go to jail, would you help me to be brave and trust in God?" My heart ached at these words, because although I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be a reality as long as we live in the US, I can't promise her that it will never happen. But I didn't say anything about that. Her little heart doesn't need big fears that may or may not come true someday. What I did say is, "Chloe, if that ever happened to us, I am pretty sure that you are the one who would be helping Mommy be brave. You are such a brave girl, and you trust in God already."
"Yeah, I would! I'd help you and Daddy be brave and I'd help my brothers, too."
This is heavy on my heart as I was just reflecting with Derrick last night....I feel that we are too comfortable in this country. I've felt it for a long time, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I told him that I don't want to subject our children to the dangers of living in a country that doesn't allow Christianity, but at the same time, places like that are full of Christians who are on FIRE for Christ, who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the word out and are even ready to die for what they believe. It's real. The Church is active and alive in these places. Because there is no middle ground. You either love Christ or you don't. Here in America, we are so easily able to live "in between". We don't have to commit fully. We can do our Sunday thing and go about our lives as if God doesn't even exist. It bothers me a lot...we do really try to fill our home with truth by discussing, reading, and studying the Bible daily. We talk about the things God is teaching us and we pray together. But sometimes we are still so distracted by the comfort and ease of this temporary life. I want more for us as a family, and I want more for my children as they grow. Some may think, would you really want your kids to live such a dangerous life? I don't know. I mean, of course I don't want to go through suffering, no one does! But I'd venture to say that this "comfortable" life in America can be far more dangerous than a life lived in a place that is hostile towards Christians. Because at least there, it would be real, and alive, and meaningful. I really feel that where we are now has the potential to be much more destructive to the soul...and in the end, when we are facing eternity, what kind of safety matters more? Our physical bodies? Or the condition of our souls? As Jesus said, we don't need to be afraid of those who can kill the body...rather we should be much more concerned with our eternal existence.
Monday, August 7, 2017
Thoughts on These Last Few Weeks
I haven't blogged in almost 2 years! I think it's time to start using this place to put my thoughts into writing. I benefit from it and I don't have to feel bad about writing too much for a Facebook post. :) I realized just now that I have never really journaled any of my thoughts about the upcoming arrival of a baby. Lots of times I've talked about the birth experience, but I think this is important to record and remember, too. I pray that this is encouraging to some of you, as I process through these feelings in the last weeks leading up to the birth of our sweet little baby #4.
I'm feeling a bit like I'm treading water and starting to sink. God's been teaching me so much, but I am struggling to sort through the lessons and apply them! My prayer is that I will trust Him completely, rest on His goodness and faithfulness, and believe that His timing is perfect.
We are about 3.5 weeks from my due date, and I feel "done" in many ways. My body is not keeping up with my brain and my "to do" list! I did some baby prep this morning for 2 hours and could hardly move afterwards. I'm not sleeping well, for various reasons (not all pregnancy related), so I'm needing to nap daily. I'm trying to plan out the beginning of our school year all while planning for baby and making list after list of things for Derrick to do that I physically cannot do. They are doing renovations on everything but the kitchen sink inside and outside of our apartment building this summer, and I have no idea if/when it will be all done and whether or not they will be in the middle of things when my baby decides to be born (at home). Because she doesn't care if there are workers on staging outside of my front window or if there is a giant hole outside my front door that day, or closets being ripped apart, she's going to come when she's ready! ;)
But PRAISE GOD! He knows all those details. I CAN trust in Him. I don't want this to be a complaint, but rather a true request for prayer that I will lean fully on my Father who knows what I need. That I will realize it will all get done, and we will find our new groove with a baby, 2 homeschooled students, and a toddler. That yes, noisy construction equipment might be right outside (or inside!) during those first few days of newborn fog and that it will all be ok. That this is the life God has given me and He has equipped me to do it...and what I'm not fully equipped for yet, He will prepare me for.
I think I have always worshiped "comfort" and God is truly stripping that from me. And to be honest, He could make things a LOT more uncomfortable if He wanted to, and this stuff is all minor in the grand scheme of things. I can make plans, but I submit them to Him for approval, and He gets the final say. In fact, He already planned my days before I was even born. So it's gracious of Him to even allow me some sort of opinion at all. I defer to my Daddy, the God of Heaven who also created me and knows me perfectly. Having said all of that, it's still a daily struggle to do this.
It may sound strange to say but the fire and great material loss that our dear friends experienced a couple weeks ago has given me this amazing amount of comfort. I can see more now than ever that with Christ, we can literally lose everything in this world, every comfort we enjoy, every keepsake we hold dear, and be completely fine. The temporary is just that...we are not guaranteed that anything will be permanent. Our lives are even fleeting and fragile, so we submit to His infinite wisdom and know that just like He knows the details of our lives, He also is the one who numbers our days.
On another note, related to the idea of comfort...I have always considered myself to be an introvert. I am pretty sure I am, because I have all the classic signs of being someone who is drained easily by spending time with people, especially in groups. I don't like crowds, I like quiet and peace, and I like to be alone to recharge. However...just because these things are true of me, does not mean I need to use them as an excuse! Just because it's how I'm most comfortable, doesn't mean I always get to choose that comfort! I live in a place where there are always people outside. People at our door regularly. Construction workers or other types of workers in and out of our apartment. I don't have the option of peace and quiet all that often anymore. I also don't get to be alone or secluded much, either. But you know what? That is perfectly ok with me! It's fine to acknowledge characteristics that are true of me, and make up who I am, but it doesn't mean I NEED all of those things to happen. I can be pushed out of my comfort zone to spend time with people, even if it tires me out. I can let it go if I don't get the alone time I need to recharge for a few days in a row. Because people, relationships, community...those things are way more important than my comfort. And God has put me here, it's where He wants me to be...and so I had better not just sit around and shut the rest of the world out for the sake of my own preferences! Plus...I'm about to have 4 kids. Who actually thought I'd be able to maintain "me" time with that many little ones around? Haha, I sure didn't! I needed to get this point or I'd be in for quite a disappointment very soon!
These are the things God is working on...see why I'm having trouble sorting through it all and applying it at the same time? I want to learn and grow, but I also keep getting hit over and over with these things. So hopefully I get it together and realize this stuff in the moment. So that when the next "inconvenience" comes my way, I'll be ready. And rejoicing. :)
I'm feeling a bit like I'm treading water and starting to sink. God's been teaching me so much, but I am struggling to sort through the lessons and apply them! My prayer is that I will trust Him completely, rest on His goodness and faithfulness, and believe that His timing is perfect.
We are about 3.5 weeks from my due date, and I feel "done" in many ways. My body is not keeping up with my brain and my "to do" list! I did some baby prep this morning for 2 hours and could hardly move afterwards. I'm not sleeping well, for various reasons (not all pregnancy related), so I'm needing to nap daily. I'm trying to plan out the beginning of our school year all while planning for baby and making list after list of things for Derrick to do that I physically cannot do. They are doing renovations on everything but the kitchen sink inside and outside of our apartment building this summer, and I have no idea if/when it will be all done and whether or not they will be in the middle of things when my baby decides to be born (at home). Because she doesn't care if there are workers on staging outside of my front window or if there is a giant hole outside my front door that day, or closets being ripped apart, she's going to come when she's ready! ;)
But PRAISE GOD! He knows all those details. I CAN trust in Him. I don't want this to be a complaint, but rather a true request for prayer that I will lean fully on my Father who knows what I need. That I will realize it will all get done, and we will find our new groove with a baby, 2 homeschooled students, and a toddler. That yes, noisy construction equipment might be right outside (or inside!) during those first few days of newborn fog and that it will all be ok. That this is the life God has given me and He has equipped me to do it...and what I'm not fully equipped for yet, He will prepare me for.
I think I have always worshiped "comfort" and God is truly stripping that from me. And to be honest, He could make things a LOT more uncomfortable if He wanted to, and this stuff is all minor in the grand scheme of things. I can make plans, but I submit them to Him for approval, and He gets the final say. In fact, He already planned my days before I was even born. So it's gracious of Him to even allow me some sort of opinion at all. I defer to my Daddy, the God of Heaven who also created me and knows me perfectly. Having said all of that, it's still a daily struggle to do this.
It may sound strange to say but the fire and great material loss that our dear friends experienced a couple weeks ago has given me this amazing amount of comfort. I can see more now than ever that with Christ, we can literally lose everything in this world, every comfort we enjoy, every keepsake we hold dear, and be completely fine. The temporary is just that...we are not guaranteed that anything will be permanent. Our lives are even fleeting and fragile, so we submit to His infinite wisdom and know that just like He knows the details of our lives, He also is the one who numbers our days.
On another note, related to the idea of comfort...I have always considered myself to be an introvert. I am pretty sure I am, because I have all the classic signs of being someone who is drained easily by spending time with people, especially in groups. I don't like crowds, I like quiet and peace, and I like to be alone to recharge. However...just because these things are true of me, does not mean I need to use them as an excuse! Just because it's how I'm most comfortable, doesn't mean I always get to choose that comfort! I live in a place where there are always people outside. People at our door regularly. Construction workers or other types of workers in and out of our apartment. I don't have the option of peace and quiet all that often anymore. I also don't get to be alone or secluded much, either. But you know what? That is perfectly ok with me! It's fine to acknowledge characteristics that are true of me, and make up who I am, but it doesn't mean I NEED all of those things to happen. I can be pushed out of my comfort zone to spend time with people, even if it tires me out. I can let it go if I don't get the alone time I need to recharge for a few days in a row. Because people, relationships, community...those things are way more important than my comfort. And God has put me here, it's where He wants me to be...and so I had better not just sit around and shut the rest of the world out for the sake of my own preferences! Plus...I'm about to have 4 kids. Who actually thought I'd be able to maintain "me" time with that many little ones around? Haha, I sure didn't! I needed to get this point or I'd be in for quite a disappointment very soon!
These are the things God is working on...see why I'm having trouble sorting through it all and applying it at the same time? I want to learn and grow, but I also keep getting hit over and over with these things. So hopefully I get it together and realize this stuff in the moment. So that when the next "inconvenience" comes my way, I'll be ready. And rejoicing. :)
Friday, November 13, 2015
The Story of Judah Benjamin's Arrival - November 11th, 2015
Several months ago, we had a bunch of very exciting things happen all in the same week. It was Sunday, March 1st, and I found out there was going to be a third Howry baby joining our family! Beyond ecstatic, I had no idea just how much was about to change in our lives! The next day, we had a showing for our house. It was nothing new, we had many showings over the years, but this one was THE one that changed everything. On Tuesday, March 3rd, we received an offer, and the next day, it was under contract. Now we were weeks away from living in a new place, with two small children and one sick pregnant mama. Oh boy, here we go! What an adventure. We found a place to live just in time, the sale of the house went as smoothly as anyone could hope for, and right after we moved in I made these shirts for the kids to wear as we announced our news to the Facebook world. Our family was going to grow yet again!
Overall, it was a pretty easy pregnancy. I was really sick in the beginning which was difficult with the move, but soon after we settled in, I started feeling better and we began our new "normal". Chloe turned 3 in June and I took on a couple of children to babysit for the summer. We stayed busy, busy, busy! I have to say this was definitely the "fastest" pregnancy I have had yet. I just feel like the time flew by. We were constantly on the go, I stayed really active, and we made the most of the beautiful weather we had. Then fall arrived, and with it, our first real homeschooling adventure...preschool! All the way through September and October, we stayed busy with so many activities. I just wanted to soak up all the time I could with my two munchkins before I had a baby to focus my attention on. These two kids have been such a joy and I adore them...and watching them become older siblings has been an incredible thing. I know they will be great at taking care of their baby brother.
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| October 14th - Still 4 weeks out from Judah's birth date! |
I'd say things began to change on my actual due date, which was on a Thursday. That night I had regular contractions and once again, they went away. But I do remember that they started to feel different. I was terrified that Tuesday would come and Derrick would have to go back to work. I could barely lift Elijah anymore and regular chores were incredibly difficult. I prayed and pleaded with God to keep Derrick home the following week. And then, Tuesday morning at 3:30, I woke up with REAL contractions. I waited about an hour before waking Derrick, but I couldn't sleep. They were real ones, I was definitely in pain, and I knew this was good. But I also knew it could be a long early labor because of how the baby's position had been. So I finally woke him and we decided that I was too uncomfortable to be alone. Praise God! He let me keep my hubby home that day. Nothing was regular, though, and after a whole day, they actually got weaker and further apart. I was so discouraged. My wonderful midwife told me that things would probably pick up once the kids were in bed and I wasn't distracted by them any longer. She was right! They went to bed at 8 and almost immediately, my contractions started in again. But they were still REALLY far apart and I still didn't feel like it was active labor. I fully expected it to be a long night and for the baby to be born sometime during the day on Wednesday. I pretty much resigned myself to this, even though the contractions were long and very painful, some even lasting almost 2 minutes! Finally, around 10 pm, I decided to check in with my midwife again. My contractions were still further than 12 minutes apart at this point, and she didn't want me to keep going like this as it would just tire me out and still not progress things very much at all. She suggested that I do a position technique to try and get the baby to come up out of my pelvis and realign his body to be in a better position for delivery. In my head I seriously doubted this would work, but when I got off the phone with her, I knew I should at least try it! So I did, then laid down for a little while and tried to sleep. Dozing off in between contractions, I started telling Derrick when they were coming and we realized that they had suddenly become regular, but were still only 10 minutes apart. I stood up and felt my belly and realized that now the baby's back was perfectly positioned in the middle, right where it should be! The intensity and frequency of contractions picked up considerably from that point on. Around 11 pm, I was begging God to not let this last all night, because I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it! We still thought I had plenty of time, because they weren't much closer together at all. I labored through them, moved around a lot, and even ate and drank! (Something I had just insisted would be impossible for me to ever do during labor). I stayed completely alert and aware this whole time, which I think made Derrick and I both believe I hadn't progressed too far yet. Usually when things get intense, I'm completely in the "zone" and don't really interact much. Finally, around 12:30, I asked him to at least inflate the birth tub so I could just see it and have some hope. He agreed and got to work. Shortly after that (probably closer to 1), I started saying I wanted Natanya here, so he called her and she got ready to head out. She also told him he should start filling the tub. But at this point, my contractions were still probably 8 minutes apart (or close to that), and it really did not seem imminent. So he told her not to rush. Right after he talked to her, they jumped to about 5 minutes apart. I could barely move or catch my breath. Yet I was still walking to and from the bathroom, trying to sit or stand in different positions to find some relief, and then trying to get ready so I could jump in the water as soon as it was filled. I started telling Derrick that he needed to hurry up because I felt like I was holding the baby in with every contraction! Right when he finished filling it, I felt like I was transitioning because the contractions were back to back and I had no more breaks in between. I even started yelling a little bit through some of them which is also something I've never done before! Finally, the tub was filled and at the perfect temperature. I got right in and had some immediate relief as the water lifted me and helped me relax.
My contractions almost came to a halt. My first thought was, "Oh no, I got in too early, now my labor will be even slower!" But then I just decided I'd might as well enjoy the water as much as I could so I found a good position and just hung out there.
One contraction came and went, but nothing happened. Then another. This time I felt like pushing a little to see if my water would break...it didn't. I think I had been in the tub for about 25 minutes total, if that, when suddenly the last contraction came and that was the moment it all happened! My water broke and instantly the baby started coming out with it! I had been sitting, but jumped up to my knees and screamed, "The baby's coming!!" And there he was, just like that. I think this delivery was even faster than Elijah's. It all felt so surreal, especially since only minutes before this, I had worried that I still had hours left to go. I delivered his head, and the rest of him came out instantaneously. Derrick wasn't close enough to reach him so I had the amazing experience of catching my own baby and bringing him up out of the water. WOW. My baby was in my arms and I had no idea what had just happened.
He was beautifully pink and those lungs kicked into gear right away with nice loud cries. We busied ourselves making sure he was all set. Good color, check. Breathing, check. Crying, yes. Warm blanket around him, good. Oh....what about the gender???? Maybe we should look now! And at the same time we both exclaimed, "A boy!" We laughed (because I was totally wrong about my "gut feeling" that it was a girl) and I kissed our little baby and finally got to name him....Judah.
Once we assessed that all was well, we called Natanya. She was 5 minutes away. This guy just did not want to wait for her to get here!
She came in and took care of us...seriously my midwife is amazing. She just went right to work and was perfectly calm. Two hours later, she left and I was resting and nursing Judah and we all dozed off for a couple of hours before the kids woke for the day.
Reflecting on this experience, I'd say it was my most challenging labor yet, and also the most rewarding. Having the opportunity to experience this with my husband just cannot be described very well with words. He was amazingly calm, did all the work, and got to be my "honorary" midwife. I already thought he was incredible, but now he's pretty much a rock star in my book!
God has blessed us with another child to love and care for. I don't take this responsibility lightly! We are so thankful for the opportunity to raise up children to know and follow Him. Will we have more? I don't know...but He does. And that's enough for me right now. :)
Saturday, February 7, 2015
How to Have a PERFECT Marriage......For Real.
Did I get your attention with this? Think I'm just gonna brag on my husband and gush over him for the next few (or several) paragraphs? Well, I do love him, but that's not what this post is really about. So, bear with me as I try to unpack these deep, meaningful realizations founded on God's Word that I think many of you will find encouraging....at least it was for me, so I hope it is for you, too.
I often feel like there is something missing in Christianity. Well, there are a lot of things missing. But one big thing is that we don't talk enough about the eternity that awaits us. You know, the one that will be infinitely longer than the mere decades we spend here on earth. We somehow forget that, as a dear friend once told me, earth is just our "training ground" for the life that is to come. And oh, what a life it will be! Peace, comfort, and unspeakable joy. I mean, we have these things now, to a degree. But it is not without intermittent periods of sorrow, anxiety, stress, and other struggles. Not there, though. One day, all the negatives will be gone from the equation...and life will be as God designed it originally. It will be His perfection and glory resounding everywhere and in all of our hearts forever.
Catch my vision yet? Hang on, it gets better.
Occasionally it hits me hard that one day my darling love and I will be separated. Temporarily, of course, but still, unless we are ushered into eternity at the same time, we will exist apart someday. Last night was one of those times. That thought usually brings me quickly to the next thought, which is to try to imagine what life in heaven will be like. I know that God's Word says there is no marriage in heaven. But won't I miss him? Won't I long for that relationship we once had? It breaks my heart at the thought of being near him but not being "allowed" to be together. It sounds cruel. It sounds devastating. I was saying all this with tears streaming down my face...until Derrick shattered my thoughts of despair with these words:
I often feel like there is something missing in Christianity. Well, there are a lot of things missing. But one big thing is that we don't talk enough about the eternity that awaits us. You know, the one that will be infinitely longer than the mere decades we spend here on earth. We somehow forget that, as a dear friend once told me, earth is just our "training ground" for the life that is to come. And oh, what a life it will be! Peace, comfort, and unspeakable joy. I mean, we have these things now, to a degree. But it is not without intermittent periods of sorrow, anxiety, stress, and other struggles. Not there, though. One day, all the negatives will be gone from the equation...and life will be as God designed it originally. It will be His perfection and glory resounding everywhere and in all of our hearts forever.
Catch my vision yet? Hang on, it gets better.
Occasionally it hits me hard that one day my darling love and I will be separated. Temporarily, of course, but still, unless we are ushered into eternity at the same time, we will exist apart someday. Last night was one of those times. That thought usually brings me quickly to the next thought, which is to try to imagine what life in heaven will be like. I know that God's Word says there is no marriage in heaven. But won't I miss him? Won't I long for that relationship we once had? It breaks my heart at the thought of being near him but not being "allowed" to be together. It sounds cruel. It sounds devastating. I was saying all this with tears streaming down my face...until Derrick shattered my thoughts of despair with these words:
"You won't need me. You'll be complete."
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