Esther Joy Howry - September 6, 2017

Esther's finally here! She is 8 days old and I still haven't written about her birth yet! I'm not sure why. I've had a lot of crazy emotions and thoughts surrounding her arrival and it's been difficult to process. But I'm ready, I think. :) I want to share her story and I also want to have this here to remember, once things start to get foggy and events begin to blur. Because that happens after four kids turn your brain into something that doesn't quite resemble what it used to be. OK, it's complete mush. haha.
I'm going to be honest here. When I found out I was pregnant, in December, I was actually a little sad. I cried a lot. Please don't get me wrong, I celebrated and valued this life more than my very own, from the second I knew she was there. But, it didn't happen on the timeline I was hoping for. I wanted a longer break between kids, and I wanted it to be after Derrick was done with grad school. He graduates in May of 2018. This just seemed like the WORST possible timing. She was due September 2nd, after he started his student teaching. Right when we were officially starting up preK/K with Elijah and Chloe. Right when I wanted to be doing so many things that didn't involve babies and post partum recovery. I could go on....
 But God's voice was clear to me. This is "perfect" timing, because here she is, growing and arriving on the timetable that He had chosen. It felt more and more purposeful as my pregnancy went on, not because I had a plan but because I knew that God did. It took a while to sink in, but it finally did, especially when we found out we were having a girl. Chloe really wanted a sister, and I truly was rooting for a girl, too, though I would have loved a boy just as much. Deep in my heart, though, I had known she was a girl and she would be named Esther, because in the Bible, the story of Esther is about a woman who God put in just the right place at just the right time, to be used by Him for a great purpose. That's my girl, destined to arrive "for such a time as this". I don't completely know her purpose yet, but God does. She has already taught me so much about trusting in His timing and plan. We had so many unknowns surrounding her birth. She was my third homebirth, and I truly wanted to have her at home! But with unending construction work inside and outside of our apartment, all of which we had zero control over, I found myself needing to surrender on a daily basis. I had more than a few panic attacks, something that hadn't happened to me in years. But I finally realized that trying to figure it all out was not going to change a thing. There was construction equipment outside our building all week leading up to her birth, including the two days before. And it was ok. It really was. In the end, it didn't even matter to me. I realized that comfort is just that...a luxury. Not something I'm entitled to, and not something I'm guaranteed. Thankfully, they ended up working around us and staying away from our building for a day or two when she arrived. I was so grateful, but I truly didn't expect them to do that for us. It was a gift and a blessing to have peace and quiet the day she arrived, so we could rest and recover. But if it hadn't happened that way, that would have been ok, too. Women have babies in a lot more difficult situations than that...and they don't have the option of comfort. It really struck me that I was blessed to even have a clean, private, peaceful place to bring my child into the world...I have a new sense of appreciation for that, one that I will never forget.
 OK, on to the actual arrival story. :) She was in no hurry, so of course my due date came and went. But by the next day, I knew it was imminent. For about 2 days off and on, I experienced early labor contractions. But they were not consistent and even though some were strong, they weren't doing anything. Then Tuesday morning I woke up with regular ones for a couple hours, so Derrick stayed home. I really thought I'd do early labor all day, it would pick up in the evening like it did with the last two, and I'd have her in the middle of the night. WELL, this girl decided to make things interesting. We got to 2 am Wednesday (the 6th), and I still didn't have contractions any closer than 10-15 minutes apart, and I was going crazy. I checked in with my midwife (for the millionth time...she is so patient!) and she told me she was coming over. It was then that I found out she knew I'd be in labor and had already driven to Berlin! I was so relieved! After about an hour of talking with her and evaluating the situation, she determined that Esther's head wasn't quite in the ideal position for dilation and I just needed to get that fixed. This just involved a simple laboring position during contractions. It was easy, just arching my back and leaning backwards during a contraction... and actually made them hurt less! Yay! Derrick and I went upstairs to try to get some sleep and she decided to stay to check on me again in a couple hours. I truly thought I'd fall asleep, and I accepted that this could go on for another day. I got comfortable, dozed off, and suddenly, the contractions got a LOT stronger and a LOT closer together. It was literally like flipping a switch. But poor Derrick couldn't stay awake after all these hours of early labor, so when I finally had real labor start, he was passed out! I couldn't get him to stir, even when I told him they were suddenly back to back and keeping me from being able to lie down, sit, or even walk. I'll never forget his words, while talking in his sleep..."Can't you just fight through it?" Oh man...he's so wonderful, I didn't even feel annoyed. I think I laughed at him, then just somehow got myself down the stairs and sat with my midwife for an hour or so. I felt so much better, now that labor was finally here for real. I was still talking in between contractions, and aware of my surroundings. Which is why I felt like I still was going to have all day! But around 5:15, I knew I had dilated a lot more and we decided it was time to set up the birth tub. It takes about 45 minutes to inflate and fill it, and I kept saying that I wasn't sure we'd have that long! So she set up a spot on the floor just in case I ended up delivering "on land". :) It was funny to me, because I love water birth, but this time I just kept thinking that I really didn't want to be in the tub. I don't know why, and I'm still not really sure. But when she got Derrick up and they got me into the water around 6 or 6:15, I realized right away that it just wasn't going to work. I couldn't get into a good position and I started feeling frustrated and overheated. At this point, the kids started waking up and Derrick needed to occupy them. He put a video on in Chloe and Elijah's room, gave them a box of cereal (yes they ate the whole thing) and they were totally content. Judah was still in his crib, blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. :) Derrick came back downstairs just in time to find that I had moved to the bathroom...and was kinda freaking out about not wanting to have her on the toilet! 😅It took both of them to get me back to the living room. I fell onto my knees and there was a baby! She was out in a matter of 5 seconds or less. I yelled pretty loudly and it was 7:08 am, so I'm pretty sure some neighbors heard me, but that's ok. She was out and crying! I was crying and praising God that it was over! It was a bit intense and probably my most difficult labor since Chloe, mostly because it felt SO long. But real active labor only lasted three hours! So I can't complain.
 It ended up being so perfect...everything just fell into place. And the kids got to meet their baby sister when she was less than one hour old! Now here we are just over a week later and I feel like we've already begun to find a new normal. My recovery is going slower than I'd like it to, but I'm so happy to not have that huge belly anymore! I'm so overjoyed to be holding her in my arms. To watch her big sister hold and sing to her. To see all of the many people who loved her before she was born, hold and love on her. To feel the support of a wonderful community of friends and family who see children as a blessing and are doing so much to help us as we navigate through this newborn fog. We've had so much encouragement from so many. It's not easy, for sure! Four kids, ages 5 and under...that was definitely not in my plans, especially when we got married! Derrick said that if he told me when we were first together that we'd have four kids by now, I would have laughed at him. The truth is, I would have freaked out on him! I truly love children but I was terrified of the birth process. Now I want to be a doula. Life is funny and God has a sense of humor! Back in December, I was scared of the unknown. I wish my present self could go back and tell the 3-week-pregnant me that it was all going to be ok. Crazy at times, exhausting, overwhelming, but ok. Actually, much more than ok....absolutely beautiful. There's always beauty in the chaos, just gotta learn to look for it! Esther is my lesson on God's wonderful, crazy, beautiful, wild, overwhelming, chaotic, perfect timing. I'm incredibly thankful. I can't imagine life without her. She fits right in like a puzzle piece, one I didn't even know I was missing.
And that ends my WAY TOO LONG story! If you read this long, you must have really been bored and had nothing better to do! haha! Seriously though, thank you to all who have offered help and support in so many different ways. You are all part of this story as well. We love you all!

Deep Conversations with my 5-year-old

I think Chloe is well beyond her years in the way she views the world. It's like she reads my mind sometimes and when I explain something to her, she just gets it. I really don't need to simplify things or leave things out..she just grasps big concepts and with such grace. Today was no exception.
 In the car today we got onto the subject of countries that do not allow Christianity. We have talked about this before, a few times, so it's not a new concept to her. We talked about how in some countries, people go to jail for being Christians. I explained that this is not a reality in our country, but it is for many other people. She got to thinking and had some fears that this could happen to us. She said, "Mom, if that ever happened to us, and we had to go to jail, would you help me to be brave and trust in God?" My heart ached at these words, because although I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be a reality as long as we live in the US, I can't promise her that it will never happen. But I didn't say anything about that. Her little heart doesn't need big fears that may or may not come true someday. What I did say is, "Chloe, if that ever happened to us, I am pretty sure that you are the one who would be helping Mommy be brave. You are such a brave girl, and you trust in God already."
"Yeah, I would! I'd help you and Daddy be brave and I'd help my brothers, too."

This is heavy on my heart as I was just reflecting with Derrick last night....I feel that we are too comfortable in this country. I've felt it for a long time, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I told him that I don't want to subject our children to the dangers of living in a country that doesn't allow Christianity, but at the same time, places like that are full of Christians who are on FIRE for Christ, who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the word out and are even ready to die for what they believe. It's real. The Church is active and alive in these places. Because there is no middle ground. You either love Christ or you don't. Here in America, we are so easily able to live "in between". We don't have to commit fully. We can do our Sunday thing and go about our lives as if God doesn't even exist. It bothers me a lot...we do really try to fill our home with truth by discussing, reading, and studying the Bible daily. We talk about the things God is teaching us and we pray together. But sometimes we are still so distracted by the comfort and ease of this temporary life. I want more for us as a family, and I want more for my children as they grow. Some may think, would you really want your kids to live such a dangerous life? I don't know. I mean, of course I don't want to go through suffering, no one does! But I'd venture to say that this "comfortable" life in America can be far more dangerous than a life lived in a place that is hostile towards Christians. Because at least there, it would be real, and alive, and meaningful. I really feel that where we are now has the potential to be much more destructive to the soul...and in the end, when we are facing eternity, what kind of safety matters more? Our physical bodies? Or the condition of our souls? As Jesus said, we don't need to be afraid of those who can kill the body...rather we should be much more concerned with our eternal existence.

Thoughts on These Last Few Weeks

I haven't blogged in almost 2 years! I think it's time to start using this place to put my thoughts into writing. I benefit from it and I don't have to feel bad about writing too much for a Facebook post. :) I realized just now that I have never really journaled any of my thoughts about the upcoming arrival of a baby. Lots of times I've talked about the birth experience, but I think this is important to record and remember, too. I pray that this is encouraging to some of you, as I process through these feelings in the last weeks leading up to the birth of our sweet little baby #4. 

I'm feeling a bit like I'm treading water and starting to sink. God's been teaching me so much, but I am struggling to sort through the lessons and apply them! My prayer is that I will trust Him completely, rest on His goodness and faithfulness, and believe that His timing is perfect.

We are about 3.5 weeks from my due date, and I feel "done" in many ways. My body is not keeping up with my brain and my "to do" list! I did some baby prep this morning for 2 hours and could hardly move afterwards. I'm not sleeping well, for various reasons (not all pregnancy related), so I'm needing to nap daily. I'm trying to plan out the beginning of our school year all while planning for baby and making list after list of things for Derrick to do that I physically cannot do. They are doing renovations on everything but the kitchen sink inside and outside of our apartment building this summer, and I have no idea if/when it will be all done and whether or not they will be in the middle of things when my baby decides to be born (at home). Because she doesn't care if there are workers on staging outside of my front window or if there is a giant hole outside my front door that day, or closets being ripped apart, she's going to come when she's ready! ;)

But PRAISE GOD! He knows all those details. I CAN trust in Him. I don't want this to be a complaint, but rather a true request for prayer that I will lean fully on my Father who knows what I need. That I will realize it will all get done, and we will find our new groove with a baby, 2 homeschooled students, and a toddler. That yes, noisy construction equipment might be right outside (or inside!) during those first few days of newborn fog and that it will all be ok. That this is the life God has given me and He has equipped me to do it...and what I'm not fully equipped for yet, He will prepare me for.

I think I have always worshiped "comfort" and God is truly stripping that from me. And to be honest, He could make things a LOT more uncomfortable if He wanted to, and this stuff is all minor in the grand scheme of things. I can make plans, but I submit them to Him for approval, and He gets the final say. In fact, He already planned my days before I was even born. So it's gracious of Him to even allow me some sort of opinion at all. I defer to my Daddy, the God of Heaven who also created me and knows me perfectly. Having said all of that, it's still a daily struggle to do this.

It may sound strange to say but the fire and great material loss that our dear friends experienced a couple weeks ago has given me this amazing amount of comfort. I can see more now than ever that with Christ, we can literally lose everything in this world, every comfort we enjoy, every keepsake we hold dear, and be completely fine. The temporary is just that...we are not guaranteed that anything will be permanent. Our lives are even fleeting and fragile, so we submit to His infinite wisdom and know that just like He knows the details of our lives, He also is the one who numbers our days.

On another note, related to the idea of comfort...I have always considered myself to be an introvert. I am pretty sure I am, because I have all the classic signs of being someone who is drained easily by spending time with people, especially in groups. I don't like crowds, I like quiet and peace, and I like to be alone to recharge. However...just because these things are true of me, does not mean I need to use them as an excuse! Just because it's how I'm most comfortable, doesn't mean I always get to choose that comfort! I live in a place where there are always people outside. People at our door regularly. Construction workers or other types of workers in and out of our apartment. I don't have the option of peace and quiet all that often anymore. I also don't get to be alone or secluded much, either. But you know what? That is perfectly ok with me! It's fine to acknowledge characteristics that are true of me, and make up who I am, but it doesn't mean I NEED all of those things to happen. I can be pushed out of my comfort zone to spend time with people, even if it tires me out. I can let it go if I don't get the alone time I need to recharge for a few days in a row. Because people, relationships, community...those things are way more important than my comfort. And God has put me here, it's where He wants me to be...and so I had better not just sit around and shut the rest of the world out for the sake of my own preferences! Plus...I'm about to have 4 kids. Who actually thought I'd be able to maintain "me" time with that many little ones around? Haha, I sure didn't! I needed to get this point or I'd be in for quite a disappointment very soon!

These are the things God is working on...see why I'm having trouble sorting through it all and applying it at the same time? I want to learn and grow, but I also keep getting hit over and over with these things. So hopefully I get it together and realize this stuff in the moment. So that when the next "inconvenience" comes my way, I'll be ready. And rejoicing. :)

The Story of Judah Benjamin's Arrival - November 11th, 2015

Several months ago, we had a bunch of very exciting things happen all in the same week. It was Sunday, March 1st, and I found out there was going to be a third Howry baby joining our family! Beyond ecstatic, I had no idea just how much was about to change in our lives! The next day, we had a showing for our house. It was nothing new, we had many showings over the years, but this one was THE one that changed everything. On Tuesday, March 3rd, we received an offer, and the next day, it was under contract. Now we were weeks away from living in a new place, with two small children and one sick pregnant mama. Oh boy, here we go! What an adventure. We found a place to live just in time, the sale of the house went as smoothly as anyone could hope for, and right after we moved in I made these shirts for the kids to wear as we announced our news to the Facebook world. Our family was going to grow yet again! 

Overall, it was a pretty easy pregnancy. I was really sick in the beginning which was difficult with the move, but soon after we settled in, I started feeling better and we began our new "normal". Chloe turned 3 in June and I took on a couple of children to babysit for the summer. We stayed busy, busy, busy! I have to say this was definitely the "fastest" pregnancy I have had yet. I just feel like the time flew by. We were constantly on the go, I stayed really active, and we made the most of the beautiful weather we had. Then fall arrived, and with it, our first real homeschooling adventure...preschool! All the way through September and October, we stayed busy with so many activities. I just wanted to soak up all the time I could with my two munchkins before I had a baby to focus my attention on. These two kids have been such a joy and I adore them...and watching them become older siblings has been an incredible thing. I know they will be great at taking care of their baby brother.

October 14th - Still 4 weeks out from Judah's birth date! 

There's the back story. :) During the month of October it quickly became more and more difficult to function. My belly got VERY big and "pointy" as many people liked to say, but I still felt good and did as much as possible to keep the kids active and busy. Around the end of October, I began with false labor contractions. They would start to get regular, then stop all together. This went on night after night for weeks! It made me think I might not make it to my due date (which of course I was wrong about yet again!), but I was actually very happy to make it to the 40-week mark as I knew this meant the baby was nice and healthy and strong. Another thing that was causing me to feel anxious was the baby's position. His head was down, but he kept moving from posterior to anterior multiple times a week or even in the same day! I was nervous about having a long painful labor and delivery because of that, so I was trying all kinds of exercises and positions to try and help this little guy flip into the right spot and stay there, but nothing I did seemed to change anything. I definitely felt that God was teaching me that ultimately this is not in my hands and I have zero ability to control this. I still felt that temptation and struggle on a daily basis, though. I just wanted to do whatever I could to get this baby here as quickly and easily as possible! As the days past my due date ticked by (I was due on the 5th), I became increasingly frustrated with myself and feeling like I needed to "do something". I have been down this path before with Elijah and I did not mind what the calendar said, but I was getting so uncomfortable that I really couldn't do any of my normal things anymore and I was just tired and ready to be done. I found myself withdrawing from pretty much any gathering of people because, as much as I love them all, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want all the eyes staring at my belly (because trust me, that's what everyone does when you're that huge!), and I didn't want to answer questions. Because..I had no idea why I was still pregnant either!! I told Derrick that I now understand why cats go off on their own to deliver their babies. There is something so private about the whole thing and I just didn't want to involve the whole world anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was so blessed and encouraged by all the love and support I had from family and friends. I was just worn and emotionally drained. I needed time alone to reflect and pray and come to a place of surrender...it wasn't easy and I wavered many times, but ultimately I knew it was not in my control.

I'd say things began to change on my actual due date, which was on a Thursday. That night I had regular contractions and once again, they went away. But I do remember that they started to feel different. I was terrified that Tuesday would come and Derrick would have to go back to work. I could barely lift Elijah anymore and regular chores were incredibly difficult. I prayed and pleaded with God to keep Derrick home the following week. And then, Tuesday morning at 3:30, I woke up with REAL contractions. I waited about an hour before waking Derrick, but I couldn't sleep. They were real ones, I was definitely in pain, and I knew this was good. But I also knew it could be a long early labor because of how the baby's position had been. So I finally woke him and we decided that I was too uncomfortable to be alone. Praise God! He let me keep my hubby home that day. Nothing was regular, though, and after a whole day, they actually got weaker and further apart. I was so discouraged. My wonderful midwife told me that things would probably pick up once the kids were in bed and I wasn't distracted by them any longer. She was right! They went to bed at 8 and almost immediately, my contractions started in again. But they were still REALLY far apart and I still didn't feel like it was active labor. I fully expected it to be a long night and for the baby to be born sometime during the day on Wednesday. I pretty much resigned myself to this, even though the contractions were long and very painful, some even lasting almost 2 minutes! Finally, around 10 pm, I decided to check in with my midwife again. My contractions were still further than 12 minutes apart at this point, and she didn't want me to keep going like this as it would just tire me out and still not progress things very much at all. She suggested that I do a position technique to try and get the baby to come up out of my pelvis and realign his body to be in a better position for delivery. In my head I seriously doubted this would work, but when I got off the phone with her, I knew I should at least try it! So I did, then laid down for a little while and tried to sleep. Dozing off in between contractions, I started telling Derrick when they were coming and we realized that they had suddenly become regular, but were still only 10 minutes apart. I stood up and felt my belly and realized that now the baby's back was perfectly positioned in the middle, right where it should be! The intensity and frequency of contractions picked up considerably from that point on. Around 11 pm, I was begging God to not let this last all night, because I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it! We still thought I had plenty of time, because they weren't much closer together at all. I labored through them, moved around a lot, and even ate and drank! (Something I had just insisted would be impossible for me to ever do during labor). I stayed completely alert and aware this whole time, which I think made Derrick and I both believe I hadn't progressed too far yet. Usually when things get intense, I'm completely in the "zone" and don't really interact much. Finally, around 12:30, I asked him to at least inflate the birth tub so I could just see it and have some hope. He agreed and got to work. Shortly after that (probably closer to 1), I started saying I wanted Natanya here, so he called her and she got ready to head out. She also told him he should start filling the tub. But at this point, my contractions were still probably 8 minutes apart (or close to that), and it really did not seem imminent. So he told her not to rush. Right after he talked to her, they jumped to about 5 minutes apart. I could barely move or catch my breath. Yet I was still walking to and from the bathroom, trying to sit or stand in different positions to find some relief, and then trying to get ready so I could jump in the water as soon as it was filled. I started telling Derrick that he needed to hurry up because I felt like I was holding the baby in with every contraction! Right when he finished filling it, I felt like I was transitioning because the contractions were back to back and I had no more breaks in between. I even started yelling a little bit through some of them which is also something I've never done before! Finally, the tub was filled and at the perfect temperature. I got right in and had some immediate relief as the water lifted me and helped me relax.

My contractions almost came to a halt. My first thought was, "Oh no, I got in too early, now my labor will be even slower!" But then I just decided I'd might as well enjoy the water as much as I could so I found a good position and just hung out there.



One contraction came and went, but nothing happened. Then another. This time I felt like pushing a little to see if my water would break...it didn't. I think I had been in the tub for about 25 minutes total, if that, when suddenly the last contraction came and that was the moment it all happened! My water broke and instantly the baby started coming out with it! I had been sitting, but jumped up to my knees and screamed, "The baby's coming!!" And there he was, just like that. I think this delivery was even faster than Elijah's. It all felt so surreal, especially since only minutes before this, I had worried that I still had hours left to go. I delivered his head, and the rest of him came out instantaneously. Derrick wasn't close enough to reach him so I had the amazing experience of catching my own baby and bringing him up out of the water. WOW. My baby was in my arms and I had no idea what had just happened.



He was beautifully pink and those lungs kicked into gear right away with nice loud cries. We busied ourselves making sure he was all set. Good color, check. Breathing, check. Crying, yes. Warm blanket around him, good. Oh....what about the gender???? Maybe we should look now! And at the same time we both exclaimed, "A boy!" We laughed (because I was totally wrong about my "gut feeling" that it was a girl) and I kissed our little baby and finally got to name him....Judah.
 Once we assessed that all was well, we called Natanya. She was 5 minutes away. This guy just did not want to wait for her to get here!

She came in and took care of us...seriously my midwife is amazing. She just went right to work and was perfectly calm. Two hours later, she left and I was resting and nursing Judah and we all dozed off for a couple of hours before the kids woke for the day.

Reflecting on this experience, I'd say it was my most challenging labor yet, and also the most rewarding. Having the opportunity to experience this with my husband just cannot be described very well with words. He was amazingly calm, did all the work, and got to be my "honorary" midwife. I already thought he was incredible, but now he's pretty much a rock star in my book!

God has blessed us with another child to love and care for. I don't take this responsibility lightly! We are so thankful for the opportunity to raise up children to know and follow Him. Will we have more? I don't know...but He does. And that's enough for me right now. :)

 

 

How to Have a PERFECT Marriage......For Real.

Did I get your attention with this? Think I'm just gonna brag on my husband and gush over him for the next few (or several) paragraphs? Well, I do love him, but that's not what this post is really about. So, bear with me as I try to unpack these deep, meaningful realizations founded on God's Word that I think many of you will find encouraging....at least it was for me, so I hope it is for you, too.

I often feel like there is something missing in Christianity. Well, there are a lot of things missing. But one big thing is that we don't talk enough about the eternity that awaits us. You know, the one that will be infinitely longer than the mere decades we spend here on earth. We somehow forget that, as a dear friend once told me, earth is just our "training ground" for the life that is to come. And oh, what a life it will be! Peace, comfort, and unspeakable joy. I mean, we have these things now, to a degree. But it is not without intermittent periods of  sorrow, anxiety, stress, and other struggles. Not there, though. One day, all the negatives will be gone from the equation...and life will be as God designed it originally. It will be His perfection and glory resounding everywhere and in all of our hearts forever.

Catch my vision yet? Hang on, it gets better.

Occasionally it hits me hard that one day my darling love and I will be separated. Temporarily, of course, but still, unless we are ushered into eternity at the same time, we will exist apart someday. Last night was one of those times. That thought usually brings me quickly to the next thought, which is to try to imagine what life in heaven will be like. I know that God's Word says there is no marriage in heaven. But won't I miss him? Won't I long for that relationship we once had? It breaks my heart at the thought of being near him but not being "allowed" to be together. It sounds cruel. It sounds devastating. I was saying all this with tears streaming down my face...until Derrick shattered my thoughts of despair with these words:

 "You won't need me. You'll be complete."

Philippians 2:1-11 - The Ultimate Example

I am really enjoying typing out my thoughts on Philippians! I also find that it really helps me to focus as I'm reading each passage. Instead of just reading it and moving on, I'm reflecting and trying to organize my thoughts. There is so much we can learn from God's Word. If I did this study 3 more times, I'm sure I could pick out at least that many more topics to write about! And then a year from now, I would probably see completely new things. The Bible truly is alive and powerful!

This passage is definitely one of my favorites. I am just so blown away by what Christ has done for us all. And I love the mental picture I get when I think of seeing "every knee bow" in worship of our great Savior!

In Chapter 1, Paul talked about how there were some who were preaching the gospel out of rivalry, and not out of the right motivation. He went on to say that he wants the Philippians to be "standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel" (1:27).

In Chapter 2, he tells them how they can achieve this unity in spirit: through following Christ's example of humility--

"Do nothing from rivalry of conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (vs. 3-8)

I have always had a longing deep within me to be a part of something bigger than myself. I believe that this is something most people desire, and that God wired us to want to be part of a community. We need each other! However, too often I have allowed myself to build walls, to remain distant, to just be an "island" and not be truly unified with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The reason? Pride. Exactly the opposite of what Jesus has done. Instead of counting others more significant than myself, I have put my own needs and wants first. Because of that, when those requirements were not being met, I decided that being part of a body of believers was not worth my time and energy. I nursed my wounds and hid in the corner, playing the victim and blaming others for my loneliness. The reality is, I wasn't willing to obey God's Word in this area. I didn't want to put others first. I wanted everyone to put me first! The thing is, we can't read God's Word in order to fix everyone else. James says that it acts like a mirror, by which we can see our own reflection. It is not our job to make sure everyone else measures up, but that we ourselves are obeying and following! This is why obeying requires TRUST. Because we must do as He asks, and recognize that His way is always best, whether things turn out the way we would like or not.

Hmmm, that may have been a bit of a tangent.

Anyway, my point is, I needed an attitude adjustment (and still do, from time to time!). And on a daily basis, I need a reminder to put others before myself. To look at their interests and needs as more important as my own. How do I achieve this? This is not easy, because as humans, we are naturally very selfish. The answer? Jesus. It's always Jesus. His example is so incredible. He IS GOD. That is not something to be taken lightly! He gave up position in heaven to become a lowly human on earth. And, that kind of humility is just unthinkable...but it doesn't stop there. No, he didn't just walk the earth for a few decades, being subjected to sickness, grief, hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. It goes far, far beyond that. You see, He allowed Himself to be put to death by us. The same people who He counted as more significant than Himself. The ones who He came to rescue. We crucified Him and He still did not fight back, because His death is what would save us, and He was putting us before Himself.

So, if you are desiring to be truly connected with the body of Christ, follow His example. And in those times when it seems like you're on the outside looking in, take a look at how you're viewing others. Are you seeing their needs? Are you truly reaching out, asking people how they are doing, and praying for others on a regular basis? Are you inviting people into your home, participating in times of study and prayer? I promise you, if you are doing these things, you will be unified with other believers. It will just happen naturally. And, in the process, you will think less of yourself and more of others, just like Jesus has done when He came to live on this earth. And the next time you struggle to sacrifice yourself for others, think of all He gave up for us. It may change your perspective.

Philippians 1:19-30 -- What would YOU choose?

While reading through this last section of Philippians 1, I was struck by the way that Paul wrote as if he truly had a choice whether or not he would live or die. I don't think God was leaving it up to him, but I think he was really trying to share openly and honestly about how he was feeling as he faced certain death (and, come to think of it, we ALL face certain death, it's only a matter of when). Verse 21 sums up his thoughts well.

 "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

I've actually reflected on this verse many times in my life. How can dying be greater than living? Well, because of Christ. He has turned death into a thing of victory and joy, if we belong to Him. But life has its perks, too. We are placed here for a purpose. Bringing glory to God is the only way to have fulfillment. It's the only thing that satisfies. That's why he says that to live IS Christ. And, Christ IS life. There is not one without the other. But, Paul was honest when he said,

"I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account."